ESS exercise

We had an ESS exercise yesterday.

What's ESS, I hear you say?  Emergency Support Services.  Nowadays.  It used to be Emergency Social Services.  We are the people who, when there is a disaster, make sure everybody (well, as many as we can find) have food, and clothes, and a place to stay, for the immediate aftermath.  We do big disasters, like when four thousand people are displaced from their homes by a wildfire.  We also do small disasters, like when someone is burned out of their apartment.  There are a lot more small disasters, but a disaster is a disaster, for the person it affects.

We had an ESS exercise yesterday.  I'd forgotten how much fun they were.  We put up signs, put out tables, took down some of the signs because we weren't doing those parts, moved the tables around, took some tables away and set the chairs out for a waiting area, and generally made a bunch of mistakes.  Of course, that's the whole point of an exercise.  We make the mistakes during the exercise, so that we make fewer mistakes when we're doing it for real.

We don't want to make mistakes when we are doing it for real, because we are dealing with people who, as we frequently say, are going through the worst experience of their lives.  (And then there's my *other* volunteer work: for the hospice society.  I must be a really depressing person to talk to about volunteer opportunities.)  You are not going to get an awful lot of thanks out of the people that we are helping.  They are going to complain.  They are going to be impolite.  They are going to be inconsiderate.  That's because they are going through the worst experience of their lives.  They are not going to thank you for the help: they are going to complain that there isn't more help, or the right type of help, or something that they want, but don't actually need.  They're stressed, and they're not thinking clearly.  But you don't do this kind of work, this kind of volunteer work, if you are looking for gratitude, thanks, or recognition.

These are my people.  They are there to help.  That is the only reason they are there.  You're not getting paid, you're not getting much recognition, you are working long hours, you were working with people who are extremely stressed, you are not getting thanked.  The only reason anybody volunteers for ESS is because they want to help.

Which is the other reason, besides being able to make dumb mistakes, that it's so much fun to go through an ESS exercise.  These are my people.  They are only there because they want to help people.  When they ask how your week has been, and you say you've had a bad week, they want to know why.  They do actually want to know why you have had a bad week.  They want to know what the problem is.  They want to know how they can help, if they can help.

So there's probably a bit of irony in the fact that, after every exercise, we are all thinking (and sometimes say), "Can't wait for the next regional disaster, when we can all get together again!"

Walking

I am the only

non-jogging, non-dog-walking

pedestrian here.

Intuitive problem-finding

An interesting aspect of being a combined instrumental and intuitive griever is that of problem finding, and problem solving.

As an instrumental griever, I have been very active, and even somewhat organized, in regard to the grief projects (for example, organizing, structuring, promoting, and preparing the grief guys program and materials).  However, in regard to the intuitive side of my grief, I have recently become more aware of a need to speak about my feelings, and to deal with some of the affective/intuitive aspects of my grief.  I am considering, and have been considering, and in fact have decided to, seek more time in professional counseling.

But, I have not yet done so.  I am working with the hospice society, and I'm at the hospice office regularly.  It would be, seemingly, fairly easy to simply request sometime with one of the counselors.  However, so far I haven't actually done it.  This morning, in a conversation on another topic, this point came up, and the other person was querying why I had not yet done so.  I'm wondering the same thing.  And, in studying more on the differences between intuitive and instrumental grieving, I know that this is an aspect of intuitive grieving: that intuitive grievers, while they do fulfill their obligations in their jobs, or for their immediate family, tend not to solve problems related to their own grief, affect, or emotions.

So, it's interesting that I have not yet made an appointment for counseling.  And, it will be interesting to see how long it takes me to actually do it.

My life

My life is pointless.

I have neither purpose nor

reason for being.

Coffee, recidivus

Yeah, I'm definitely drinking more coffee.  And, very likely, too much.

In particular, I'm *buying* more coffee.  I mean, when I was in Delta, since a lot of the coffee I was drinking was from the carafe that was always on the go at one of the churches, my Scottish soul could justify it on the basis that it was free (at least in terms of cost to me).  Now I'm going to McDonalds fairly regularly for my "fix."

It's not to the point that, when I wake up at 2 AM, I can't wait for the McDonalds to open.  (Yet.)  But there definitely is something, probably to do with caffeine and glucose, that, in my grieving and damaged state, is about the only comfort I (complaining whiner that I am) can find.  It's not caffeine alone: Diet Coke doesn't have the same comfort level.  (Maybe I should try regular Coke, with the sugar.  But I think the warmth also has some contribution to the comfort factor.)  Hot chocolate has a similar comfort level, but, given that I definitely exceed the manufacturer's recommended dosage when I make hot chocolate, coffee may be slightly better for me than the hot chocolate.

Because, of course, I have to note (complaining whiner that I am) that there is a problem with finding comfort in coffee.  I take cream and sugar in it.  As previously noted, a *lot* of cream and sugar.  Since I really don't like coffee all that much.  And, of course, that's bad for my diet.  And I haven't lost any weight in six months.  And the coffee may be one of the reasons.  Although, even with the amount of sugar I put into it, a cup of coffee is probably better than a donut or something, and takes longer to drink, so has a longer period of comforting.  I think.

There is also the caffeine factor.  My sleep is still fairly messed up, although not as bad as it was in the first couple of months after Gloria died.  So, I do try to keep my coffee intake to the morning, so as to lessen the impact on sleeping at night.  (I don't seem to find that getting coffee in the morning makes me feel any more awake, but I do seem to find that drinking coffee in the afternoon or evening is not conducive to a good night's sleep.)

How desperately low can you go?

Coffee shop calling.

One decent conversation.

Pathetic, or what?

It doesn't end ...

Oh, I read your blog.

The beginning, or the end?

Needed how it ends.

Sermon 4 - Grief and Dying to Self

Sermon 4 - Grief and Dying to Self

And this is love, that we walk according to his commandments; this is the commandment just as you have heard it from the beginning--you must walk in it. - 2 John 1:6

I am a grieving widower.  I have experienced grief.  I have also been studying grief, and, if I can put it this way, the grief industry.  That is, the people and organizations providing support and counseling to the bereaved. (I am a systems analyst.  If I am going to grieve, I am going to study grief, and find out all the aspects of it.)

One of the items that I have come across, in my studies, is a book about how the brain deals with grief.  Well, at least the author is a neurologist, and seems to have a feeling that she has some insight into how the brain actually processes grief. 

According to Mary-Frances O'Connor, the grief, and the grieving, are not the same thing.   Grief is the feeling, possibly the emotion, possibly a syndrome of emotions, experienced when you have had a loss.  Grieving is not the experience of grief, but rather an adaptation.  It is the learning, or the relearning (or even the unlearning), of the difference between the world as you knew it with the loved one and the new world without the loved one in it.

I have found the book extremely interesting.  As a teacher, and as a lifelong learner, anything to do with learning is of interest to me.  And so, looking at grief, or to use O'Connor's terminology, grieving, as a form of learning is an interesting speculation.

We build mental models of the world around us.  When you have a close relationship with someone, be that a parent, a spouse, a partner, or any other close relationship, our map of the world includes that person and that relationship.  When we lose that relationship our map of the world becomes flawed.  That map is still there, and that person is still there in our mental map.  But the map no longer corresponds to reality.  The disparity, discontinuity, or difference, between the two causes confusion, which we feel, in a variety of ways, as grief.

In any case, her central thesis is that grief is our brain's reaction to the fact that our mental model of the world, following a bereavement, still is based upon the existence of the loved one who has died.  Grief is, in some way, our experience of what is happening while the brain is correcting the model: unlearning the references to the existence of our loved one in the immediate world, and relearning new references to the world without the loved one in it.

I was explaining this concept to a pastor.  The pastor's almost immediate response was that this was an interesting illustration, or reference, to the Christian concept that one needs to die to self in order to live for Christ.

We build mental models of the world.  We have these models in our minds, as references to guide us as to how the world works.  These models are not mere inventories of facts.  When I was trying to explain the concept of the mental model, with and without the deceased loved one in it, to a colleague, his reaction was that if you were unlearning the mental model after the loved one died, did that mean that you forgot all memory of them.  This is not the case.  But our mental model of the world, when it contains a significant other, does provide us with expectations.  We expect that when we are sad or disappointed, the significant other will try to support our mental state.  The significant other will try to make us feel less bad about whatever the problem is.  The significant other will possibly try to distract us, with more cheerful thoughts.

We have learned this about our significant other.  Over time we have come to realize that we can expect this assistance.  This is something about the way the world works, and it becomes part of our mental model of the world.  When the significant other has died, and is no longer there, we have to unlearn these expectations, and relearn other expectations about how the world works when we are sad, or lonely, or angry.

We have other aspects to our mental maps.  And, of course, our mental map of the world has a central idea which we either believe, or we don't.  We believe that there is a God who is in charge of the universe, and created it.  Or we don't.  We believe that God is a personal God, and a good God, and loves us.  Or we don't.

There is an interesting piece of advice that the Bible gives us with regard to marriage.  It says that we should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.  A lot of people may simply see this as the same advice given in a song in the musical play "West Side Story," to stick with "your own kind."  In one sense it probably is, but it does go somewhat deeper than that.  Marriage, which is a complicated business, is difficult enough at any time.  You don't need to make it more difficult by being married to someone whose central belief about this basic fact of the universe differs from yours.

Our mental model of the world, if it does not account for God, is probably fairly self-centered.  After all, if there is no God, there is nothing in the world more important than you.  Okay, yes, there may be other people in the world.  You may even like some of these other people in the world.  But there is no particular reason that any of them are more important than you are, because they are simply people, the same as you.  And there is no reason to prefer them to you.  There is no reason that they are any better than you.  So, if there is no reason that they would be any better than you, there is no reason that you have to defer to them, when their desires are at odds with yours.  Your ideas, desires, and concepts can take central place in your mental map of the universe.  There's no particular reason to do otherwise.

This is a central pillar of our mental models of the world: whether there is a God.  If there is a God, and if God loves us, and if God loves us so much that he has, at great sacrifice, created a means for us to have a relationship with him, when we don't deserve it, we have to react to that.  We have to change our mental model of the world.  Our mental model of the world has to be significantly different then it was before we believed this.  So different, that you might almost say that it has to be completely destroyed and rebuilt again.  Almost as if we died.

So we have to die.  Our original mental model of the world, which did not account for the existence of God, has to be destroyed.  It has to die.  We have to build an entirely new set of expectations.

If God exists, God is much more important than we are.  God's concepts, ideas, and desires are more important than ours.  They are probably more correct than ours.  God has the owner's manual for the universe; we don't.  It is automatic that God is better than we are.

It is also automatic that God has the right to instruct us, and direct us.  God can tell us what to do.  After all, God created us.  God knows what we are for.  The fact that God loves us, knows what is best for us, has made provision for what is best for us, and wants us to have what is best for us, is an added bonus.

We have to rebuild our mental maps.  We have to rebuild our ideas of the universe.  We have to kill our original concept that we know enough to direct our own lives.  We have to die to that idea, and that idea has to die as a part of our mental map of the universe.

Dying is painful.  Even changing our mind is painful.

I like learning.  I am a proponent of lifelong learning.  I like to learn new things.  But I feel pretty strongly that I am in the minority in this.  Most human beings do not like to learn, at least not very much.  We have a saying: "learning experience."  This is what we say of a particularly nasty or unpleasant experience.  People will say to you, "Well it's a learning experience."  To which my usual response is, "I hate learning experiences."  And, it's true.  As much as I love learning, I hate learning experiences.

But many people don't just hate learning experiences, but learning itself.  Change is bad, and learning tends to indicate a change.  Maybe it's a change in your situation which is forcing you to learn something new, or maybe it's simply that when you learn something new you change, and change how you relate to the world around you.  Which tends to make a problem for somebody.  So, overall, human beings don't think too kindly of learning.

If the author of this book about grief is correct, changing our mind, changing our mental model of the universe, is painful, because grief is excruciatingly painful.  The wholesale changes that we have to make in our mental image of the universe results in a lot of pain.  We want to avoid pain.  So we resist changing our minds.  And we resist changing our minds about whether or not God exists.  We don't want to give up our idea of ourselves at the center of the universe.  We don't want to change our model to have someone else, even God, at the center of the universe.  It's a change.  It's painful.  We don't want to do it.

But, of course, until we do change our mind, until we do change our mental model of the universe, we are wrong.  Not only are we wrong, but we are doing the wrong things.  We are basing our decisions on a flawed model.  We are basing our choices, and our relations with the world on an idea that is fatally incorrect and flawed.  There isn't any way to get it right, until we change our mental model.  Until we die to ourselves.

Once we have the correct model; once we know that God is in charge and we are not; a lot of our decisions are going to change.  We are going to be making our choices based on what God wants, rather than what we want.  We are going to be using his laws, and commands, and expectations, to guide what we do in the world, and how we relate to the world.  And, particularly, how we relate to God.

Change is painful.  That is partly why grief is painful.  We are changing.  We have to change: change our ideas, change our ways of doing things, change our considerations, change the way we view the world.  So it is not easy becoming a Christian.  We have to change.  And we suffer grief because of the pain of that change.  We also suffer grief over our sinfulness.  We suffer grief over the time that we have wasted without God.  We suffer grief because of the wrong that we have done, and even our failures, now that we do know God, to follow his ways as well as we might.

As well as feeling grief, we are grieving.  As O'Connor has it, the grieving is our adaptation, our change.  We are grieving and relearning the ways of God as opposed to the ways of the world.  We are grieving, as we are changing and learning, what it is that God wants us to do.  We are changing our model of the world, and we are grieving.  This is good grieving, productive grieving.  This is the grieving that we were meant to do.  We just have to do a little more of it now.

And we have to go on grieving, because we find that it isn't just once that we have to change.  We find that we make one change, and we improve, and we get closer to what God wants us to be.  But then as we get closer we see a little bit more clearly.  And when we see more clearly we see we have to make another change, and then another, and then another.  And at each stage change is involved, and we are grieving.  And then at one point we realize the biggest grief of all: we never will be good enough.  It is not our changing, it is not our improving, it is not our grieving that makes us acceptable to God.  It is not our works.  Our works will never be good enough.  What we have to do is accept that God has accepted us, and God has made provision for us to meet him, and we just have to accept it.  Though we still give grateful thanks for his acceptance of and provision for, us, and we try and be as good as we can, for Him.

Koodo

Koodo's service is pretty dismally bad.

First of all, you have to start with the Website.  The Website's "Help" system isn't much help.  There is absolutely no option for calling anybody.  You have to go through the "Koodo Assist," which, of course, can't assist you with much of anything.  Then, when you get to a certain point in the "Koodo Assist," you can ask to speak with an agent.  The system will schedule a callback.  In the future.  For a specific half hour period, which is nice (in that it doesn't tie you up for a whole day, or more).

Unfortunately, all of the agents you will deal with have extremely thick accents.  (Mostly Hispanic.)  And they all speak at a very rapid clip, so it's *really* hard to understand them.

And, you will probably have to deal with more than one agent.  Koodo seems to divvy up the responsibilities into fiefdoms, and, of course, you won't be able to deal with your problem with only one person, because it'll be multiple areas of responsibility (at least, according to Koodo logic).

And, that may not fix the problem.  In my case, the problem was that they sent me a ntoice that I hadn't paid my bill.  Except that they had never *sent* me a bill, and, in fact, when I set up the account, I set it up with pre-authorized payments on a credit card.  And, apparently, Koodo's internal systems are *also* a mess, because nobody I talked to could find any trace of any of that.

Koodo's service is pretty dismally bad.

Disinformation

 Disinformation

comes in a great many forms.

Monument movie.

I'm used to being the smartest person in the room, but my *Roomba* would have been the smartest person in *that* room

Butterfly flitting

from topic to topic in

fields that I have long taught ...

Heroes

A recent article in "The Atlantic" starts out: "Turn your mind for a moment to a friend or family member you cherish but don’t spend as much time with as you would like.  This needn’t be your most significant relationship, just someone who makes you feel energized when you’re with them, and whom you’d like to see more regularly."  Oh, that's easy.  Gloria.

Of course, I don't spend as much time with her because she's dead, so I guess their suggestion that we spend more time with the people we love (which is, overall, a good suggestion) doesn't really hold for me.

OK, yes, that's unfair.

So, let's go back to the men's "Bible" study from yesterday.  I put Bible in quotes because they aren't really studying the Bible, but a book.  And, in one chapter, the author is pitching a similar idea: that the approbation of those we respect and admire is important to us.  And the book asks, how do you feel when one of your real heroes admires you, or says something great about you, or says that they love you?

I don't know.  I don't have heroes.

I'm Canadian.  We don't *do* heroes.  (Well, except for, maybe, Terry Fox.)

I know a lot of nice people.  I even know some "names."  (In various fields.)  It's fun to hear C talk about the worldwide knowledge he has of the community.  B can be really incisive at times.  It's hard to talk to J for any length of time because he is so much in demand.  It's hilarious sitting in the back (because you can heckle better from the back) of a conference keynote with W.  I once helped B (no, the other B) buy a word processor so he could write a book, and found out about what a hard time he had starting a new, prestigious, position.

I like them.  They're great.  We have fun, when we can get together.  (Which is far too seldom, in all cases.)  I learn things from them.

But, heroes?

I've had some good bosses, and even a few great ones.  I've had some good teachers.  (Not sure I could put any of them into the "great" category, but ...)  I've got some great friends, and, as noted, some of them are even "names," and I'm sure that others might put them in the "hero" category.

I don't.

I'm not sure why not.  It's not a "feet of clay" thing: I could talk about foibles and limitations, but I doubt that that is the real issue.  I already know that people aren't perfect.  That's not exactly a surprise.

Loser

Never let what you

cannot do prevent you from

doing what you can.

Grief Guys materials and resources

This has become a general catch-all file for ideas about the "Grief Guys" project and possibilities, so I think I need to post it in order to ensure that all the bits have at least some kind of home.

Instrumental and intuitive grieving

Grief Guys is not just about guys.  Although there is a gender-related preference that seems to occur, it has more to do with a personality type, and women can be on the instrumental end of the scale.  Which brings up another point: it is not a dichotomy between intuitive and instrumental grieving, but rather a continuum.

Recently, some counsellors have begun to propose a type of counselling based on Stoic philosophy, rather than the more traditional recounting of feelings.  While this is similar to, and might help with those on, the instrumental end of the continuum, it misses the point: while some may grieve in a more instrumental style, and some might grieve in a more intuitive style, everybody does both, just with a different emphasis and balance.

Intuitive processing of grief, which is more traditional in the grief industry, concentrates on feelings, talking about your feelings, and remembering the past (often talking about the deceased).  Instrumental processing of grief concentrates on cognitive activities (often learning), projects and activities, and planning for the future.

The idea of "grief work" seems to be fixated and limited to the concept that grief work is primarily (and often *only*) dealing with emotions.  But Mary-Frances O'Connor's idea of grieving, as expressed in "The Grieving Brain," seems to point to a need for cognitive "grief work," possibly related to learning or relearning, and therefore an instrumental type of grief work, as not quite distinct but possibly adjunct to the idea of affective grief work as seems to be universal in the grief industry.

The Grief Guys idea is an experiment and exploration of how to incorporate both styles of grieving, and both types of grief work, into a program to address a wider range of needs for all bereaved.  Hopefully we will learn enough about these factors from this project to augment existing counselling programs, and render the Grief Guys program unnecessary.

I think that it would be a good idea to divide the two-hour meeting into two parts.

The grief groups tend to divide into two parts anyways, with a break for coffee in the middle, but for the grief guys group, this would be a bit more structured.  The first hour would be project type work.  This would give the feeling of activity, and it would give the guys in the group a bit more of a comfort level, when, after the midpoint break, it moves into the second part, which is more of the Kumbaya stuff.  At that point, having already worked with the group on a bit of project stuff, the guys in the group might be more willing to discuss the aspects of grief, and their feelings, and their need for help.

To give more of an idea of "work" and activity, I think it would be important to set up the group meetings in a room with tables, rather than just the circle of chairs for the current groups.  This allows for taking notes, etc, and provides more of a "work" impression, which is probably important.

Projects, in a number of aspects, would be suggested by the guys in the group.  An initial, seeder, project would be the formation of a death list, or a series of death lists: a list of things to do in preparation for an upcoming death to do or to check, a list of things to do immediately following a death, and a list of things to do immediately following a death specifically for men.  (There are such lists, of course, and we could use them as an initial basis, and starting point, but, from my own experience, I would say that there is a lot of work to be done on such lists.)

Grief Guys group guidelines

Each person's grief, and style of grieving, is unique.  There are probably many common aspects or symptoms of grief that you will share with others, but there is no predictable pattern or timetable.

Grief is not a disease, it is a consequence of having loved.

You may talk about your grief, if you wish.  If someone wishes to talk about their grief, please listen, respectfully.  Actively, if you are able.  (If you are talking about your grief, remember that others may wish to, as well.)  It is probably easier and more appropriate to talk about your grief in the second half of the meetings.

It may be that you do *NOT* wish to talk about your grief.  That is OK, too.

You've had lots of friends giving you "advice" over your grief, and it's probably bugged you.  Remember that when you offer advice within the group.

This is particularly true is someone is talking about their grief.  Guys tend to want to "fix" things.  It is not likely that grief can be "fixed."  You probably want to help, and fix the grief, and give advice, and you may feel uncomfortable if you can't.  But please think twice, or even several times, before you offer advice about someone else's grief.

What is shared in the group, stays in the group.  Please respect the confidences that are shared here.

This is currently a "drop-in" style group.  Do not expect everyone to have attended, and listened to, everything.  However, if you are going to come, please respect other's time, and be on time.

When working on projects, think of what *can* be done, before we get into what *can't* be done.

Grief Guys group guidelines

Confidentiality                        Don't criticize either feelings or style

Listen when others talking             Talk, or don't talk

Mute cell if possible                  

Session 1 (introduction)

(repeat for session 2, possibly intermittently thereafter)

Part 1

Intuitive

 - feeling, emotion

 - talking about feelings

 - remembering the past or the deceased

Instrumental

 - thinking, learning

 - working

 - planning for the future

Everybody has both styles, but the "balance" varies.  Men *tend* to be more instrumental, and women *tend* to be more intuitive, but there is no dichotomy.  *Everybody* is on a continuum between both styles.

"Grief work" may be talking about feelings.  It may be working on projects.  It is probably a bit of both.

This project is experimental.  It attempts to provide both styles of "grief work."  If you can let us know how well this is working for you, that will help us, and will help more bereaved people in the future.

Grief Guys group guidelines

Confidentiality                        Don't criticize either feelings or style

Listen when others talking             Talk, or don't talk

Mute cell if possible                  

This program will be two-hour meetings divided into two parts, with a break for coffee in the middle.  The first hour will be project type work, mostly related to what we can do to help others.  After the break, it moves into the second part, which is more of what you might have expected from a bereavement group.

Projects, in a number of aspects, will be suggested by those attending the group.  An initial project could be the formation of a death list, or a series of death lists: a list of things to do in preparation for an upcoming death to do or to check, a list of things to do immediately following a death, and a list of things to do immediately following a death, especially for men.  (There are such lists, of course, and we could use them as an initial basis, and starting point.)

Initial projects:

 - planning tool/checklist for the recently bereaved

   - what did *you* wish you had known when your loved one died?

 - list/description of other projects

 - list of activities that "grief guys" can do for other bereaved

Guidelines

Part 2

Grief - consequence of having loved

O'Connor

grief - reaction to loss

grieving - relearning/rebuilding new "mind map" of world without loved one

Commonly experience:

 - sleep disturbance

 - anger

 - intense loneliness

 - "bereavement brain"/brain fog

 - depression

 - nobody understands

 - friends have abandoned you

 - guilt/regret

Emotions may be strong (or absent), you may feel that you are crazy

 - you aren't: everybody feels this way

 - you are: but so is everyone who is bereaved

If there is a "right" way to grieve, we haven't found it yet.

Questions for attendees at end of session:

Do you want more information about grief?  Is this too little?

Do you want readings about emotions or feelings?

Would you like a bibliography of books/Web pages to read about grief?

   https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2022/12/grief-bibliography.html

   https://www.instagram.com/notsorryforyourloss/

   https://www.instagram.com/optionb/

   https://www.instagram.com/empowered_through_grief/

   https://www.instagram.com/the_grief_project/

   https://www.instagram.com/johndelony/

   https://twitter.com/CPAmom6

   https://twitter.com/CPAmom6/status/1613017459879202816

   https://twitter.com/WhatsYourGrief

Session 2 (review, recap, extract)

(repeat some for session 3)

Part 1

Query for subsequent feelings about first session?

 - did anything from the first session particularly help during the past week?

Assess group for new attendees, recap introduction?

Review project work from previous session

Further project work

Part 2

How was your week?

Primary loss

Secondary losses

 - finance

 - status

 - confidence/security

 - plans/schedule

 - friends

Self-care activities

 - support system?

 - something you enjoy?

   - can you enjoy anything?

(Katja: Self-care assessment sheet?  Compassionate Self-Care sheet?  Creating a support system sheet?)

Journalling/writing

 - helps clarify/focus feelings

Questions for attendees at end of session:

Do you want more information about grief?  Is this too little?

Homework: creating a support system sheet

Session 3 (  )

(repeats?  )

Part 1

Query for subsequent feelings about second session?

 - did anything from the first or second session particularly help during the past week?

Assess group for new attendees, recap introduction, session 2?

Review project work from previous session

Further project work

Part 2

How was your week?

Depression

 - learned helplessness

 - keep going

   - take one more step

   - when going through hell, keep going

   - "heroism consists in hanging on one second longer"

 - volunteer

 - do something new

 - exercise, health

   - walking

(Katja: PHQ-9?)

Family

 - How is the rest of your family handling things?

   - grieving, too?

   - supportive?

   - obtructive?

Session 4 (  )

(repeats?  )

Part 1

Query for subsequent feelings about third session?

 - did anything from the prior sessions particularly help during the past week?

Assess group for new attendees, recap?

Review project work from previous session

Further project work

Part 2

How was your week?

Anniversaries, holidays, and other triggers

 - how do you experience this?  is it a problem?

 - strategies for triggering situations?

Rebuilding, re-inventing, building a new life

 - schizoid/quantum life

   - I am, at the same time, both [married, taking care of Gloria, discussing everything with Gloria, living in North Vancouver] and, at the same time [Gloria is dead, I am alone, bereaved, lonely, and in the wrong city].  I am in a quantum state of marriage.  I am in a quantum state of life.  My life, my old life, my original life, is over.  But I am still alive.

Resources

https://www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/life-events/death/after-death

Literature search:

https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/exc_0816.shtml

stoicism and "instrumental" expression of grief

"working through" allows the bereaved to adapt to the world in the absence of their loved one while maximizing social support networks and reinvesting in other relationships and meaningful activities

https://mygriefandloss.org/continuum-of-grief

intuitive vs instrumental grief, dissonant grief

https://www.psychotherapy.net/interview/grief-counseling-doka

interview with Kenneth Doka, styles of grieving

I would like to thank Pascale, who, of all the grief counsellors (professional, individual, group, volunteer, or amateur) that I encountered in my own grief "journey," was the most professional and helpful, and whose words of encouragement, and direct assistance (at a time when my energy was at low ebb and this idea could very well have died) provided the impetus to continue and develop the project.

Thought-provoking question

Give me a thought-provoking question, for the group, he said.

Okay, I said, why aren't we doing N's idea of a men's breakfast, inviting the homeless?

They aren't up then, he said.

So we'll do a lunch, I said.

You'd have to build support, he said.

So we'll build it, over time, while we get going, I said.

But we'd have to . . . 

You asked for a thought-provoking question, I said.

Is it easier to do the loving thing, when the loving thing doesn't involve unlovely people?

Is it easier to stand up, step forward, and stretch out, when all you are stretching out is to hand over a sandwich, rather than being at close range?

Is it easier to talk about how important relationships are to life if we don't have to have them?

Is it easier to talk about the importance of providing a social centre for the community if we don't have to deal with *that* community?

Thoughts

The men's breakfast sparks

ideas for pondering:

lots of thought needed

Friends help

Have I made new friends here in Port Alberni?  Of course I have.

One friend is a photographer.  A really good photographer.  A professional photographer.  With a whole collection of camera equipment.  We have talked about various types of cameras, and the different functions that you can perform with different cameras.  I have told him of my need to get a digital camera body, and an adapter to use my existing lenses.  He's not interested in helping me find any appropriate camera equipment.

I have met another friend, at another church, who is big into woodworking.  He does lots of things, for lots of people.  He does all kinds of things for different members of his family.  He helps out people who have difficulty with hardware, and particularly woodworking, problems around their homes.  I have told him of my project, stalled for many years because I have absolutely no hardware skills, finishing up the rack to store and display Gloria's collection of thimbles, which I augmented during my travels.  He's not interested in helping me finish that project.

I have met another friend, had yet another church, who is interested in fixing and repairing things.  I have told him the sad story of my of the Roomba breaking the female character figurine, and my desire to glue the broken pieces back together.  A desire which is stalled because, of course, I have absolutely no manual dexterity, or skills with repairing much of anything.  He is not interested in helping me repair the figurine.

Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move *bodies*.

Functional

How am I doing?

Going back to replying

"I am functional."

I walked a mile with death ...

I walked a mile with Gladness,

She chattered all the way.

Leaving me none the wiser

For all she had to say.

And I walked a mile with Sorrow,

And never a word said she,

And, oh, the things I learned from her

When Sorrow walked with me.

What did you learn from the death of your loved one?

I didn't learn much from the death of my cousin.  Well, I *was* only seven years old.

From the death of my sister, when I was fifteen, I learned that nobody would talk about death.  Nope.  Not at all.  A lesson that holds to this day.

From the death of my grandmother, when I was eighteen, I learned that everybody was embarrassed by death.

Then I lost status, and position, and jobs, and I learned about depression, and learned helplessness.

From the deaths of a couple more grandparents (and, looking back on it, my sister), I learned that people make up myths and legends about, not only death itself, but individual deaths.  The stories about the individual deaths are formulated to support the general myths about death and dying.

So, I guess, I was primed to learn from Gloria's death. I already knew that there were things to be learned from death, and from deaths.

I learned that grief doesn't actually kill you.  (Although often you wish it would.)  And that it is often true that what doesn't actually kill you does, indeed, make you stronger.  And that while most things in this world that make you stronger make you less sensitive, grief makes you both stronger and *more* sensitive.

I learned about the two distinct styles of grieving.  I learned that the grief industry knows only the one style, and addresses only that type of need.  I learned of the hypothesis of grieving as relearning of the nature of the world.

I learned of the uniqueness of grief, but also the commonalities of the symptoms or factors.  I learned that nobody who is not bereaved understands grief.  Some people do care about grief, and sometimes even ask about it, but they are extremely rare.

Pain 2

Let's meet for coffee.

Sure. Good. Let's. In the vague and

undefined future.

Online safety seminar

"Now arrogant men, God, are attacking me, a brutal gang hounding me to death: people to whom you mean nothing."         Psalm 86:14

"Rescue me, Lord, from evildoers; protect me from the violent, who devise evil plans in their hearts and stir up war every day."         Psalm 140:1,2

"Keep me out of traps that are set for me, from the bait laid for me by evil men."         Psalm 141:9

"The net is always spread in vain if the bird is watching."         Proverbs 1:17

"Whoever listens to me may live secure, he will have quiet, fearing no mischance."         Proverbs 1:33

I have prepared and will be presenting a workshop on spam, scams, frauds, online security and safety, and possibly other topics.  It will be presented at:

So, I am willing to offer it (at the same rate that I'm charging the Sunshine Club and the churches--nothing) to any venues that want it.  I can bring a laptop (or a USB stick), but I would need a projector since there are slides to show.

This is a seminar on a very basic level of protection or warnings about "online" (phone, text, and email) frauds, scams, and spam.  This would cover topics like:

 - the difference between spammers and scammers

 - the grandparent scam (in detail)

 - robot "press 1 now" calls ("Your Visa/Amazon/Norton is being charged/will be renewed at a cost of ..." or "CRA will throw you in jail if you don't pay")

 - advance fee/lottery/419/Nigerian/Spanish Prisoner scams

 - discord attacks

 - spotting spam

 - and, of course, grief scams

 (- and then there's oddities like iPhone vs MMS ...)

There will also be extended time for questions about other dangers attendees may have heard about and want more information about.

If there was any interest, I was also thinking of a subsequent three part series:

Online Security level 1, "Things Your Grandkids Wish You Knew"

Online Security level 2, "Things You Can Discuss With Your Grandkids"

Online Security level 3, "Things You Can *Teach* Your Grandkids"  :-)

I was thinking that level 1 would be pretty basic, and would be of interest to pretty much any of the members, but that, if people were interested in going beyond that, the level 2 and 3 would provide that opportunity once we had started with level 1.  (There could also be variations on this.)

Some of the level 2, and level 3, topics, listed and described below, are also online at https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUuvftvRsRv4bMs_scU3TyBZzuvW7kpZi

Just to be clear, I am not looking at doing this as a business, and would not expect to charge for the workshops.  This is just part of my volunteer work.  (Although I am still an active security maven, so I *do* know what I'm talking about  :-)

I *do* have experience in presentations.  I have taught information security on six continents.  You can check out some of what I've done at

  https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLUuvftvRsRv4bMs_scU3TyBZzuvW7kpZi

In addition, for any of the churches, there are further presentations that I have, prepared and ready to go.  Some of the topics are:

 - Level 2 - Artificial Intelligence

With the release of the Large Language Models (LLMs) such as ChatGPT and DALL-E, there is a great deal of interest in artificial intelligence.  However, there are risks, and there is much confusion, particularly since a lot of people talking about "AI" are actually talking about different things.  Artificial intelligence is not a single thing, or even a single field.  This presentation looks at the various components of AI, and what they can (and can't) do.

 - Level 2 - Digital privacy

 - Level 3 - Business Continuity Planning (2 hr)

 -  Level 3 - Security Lessons from CoVID-19

Lessons, or reminders, of important information security operations concepts which have been pointed out by the CoVID-19 pandemic crisis. Using the SARS- CoV-2/CoVID-19 pandemic as a giant case study, and structured by the domains of information security, this looks at security aspects of the crisis, pointing out specific security fundamentals where social, medical, or business response to the crisis failed, or needed to make specific use of those concepts. For the most part, these lessons are simply reminders of factors that get neglected during times of non-crisis, and particularly point out the importance of advance planning and resilience in systems and business.

So, first I started explaining CoVID to my colleagues using security concepts they'd understand. Then I did a presentation, but it got too big and became a half a dozen presentations. Then I wrote "Cybersecurity Lessons from CoVID-19" at about the same time that I was putting together a full CISSP seminar (which is also being done, experimentally, online). So then I thought that a "one day" CISSP seminar would be a good thing, and I could use the pandemic as a giant case study to demonstrate the various security concepts and fundamentals. So, this *can* be broken into a variety of short presentations, or it can be a half-day workshop just on the CoVID security lessons, or it can be a full-day, one-day CISSP seminar using CoVID examples

 - Information Security Ethics

 - Crimeware

For twenty years, malware was a steadily growing threat.  It was not seen as a major problem since it was untargetted: the work of amateurs who released their programs as random nuisances.  That has now changed.  Organized groups use viruses to create spambotnets, and then use those networks not only for spamming but for advanced fee (419) fraud and phishing.  Similar networks of RAT controlled machines are used to threaten companies with DDoS extortion.  Botherders use sophisticated fast-flux DNS and IP address rotation in order to avoid both detection and shutdown.  Groups are now specialized in nature, using credit card numbers obtained from phishing attacks to order goods from online sales and auction sites, laundering their money and increasing their profits--at your expense.  Malware has become the largest single class of computer crime: crimeware.  And yet most general security literature still explains malware using thirty year-old virus models.  This presentation gives analysis of malware trends and the changes in levels and types of risks.

 -  Level 3 - Incident Response Planning (2 hr)

a two-hour seminar on incident response planning.  This session was aimed at planning for any kind of incident, although, at the time, most examples were taken from "cyber" incidents, involving computers, malware or communications.  A response planning tool handout is part of the presentation, and hands-on exercises during the seminar.

 - Level 2 - Decentralized Finance (Bitcoins and Blockchains and Digital Cash, Oh my!)

Bitcoin, NFTs, cryptocurrencies, and many things that might be called "decentralized finance" have become enormously popular, recently, but are also wildly speculative.  This seminar will give you some background, starting with the principles of, and research into, digital cash, valuation, fungibility, technologies, infrastructures, and the basic principles underlying this field.  In addition, we will note the speculative nature of much of this "wealth."  What is a cryptocurrency?  We'll also look at the shortcuts that cryptocurrencies have taken, and why that is a problem.  We build an outline for the requirements for digital cash, why cryptocurrencies have only partly fulfilled those requirements, and why NFTs are even worse.  Currently, "investment" in cryptocurrencies is highly speculative, and seems to be roughly equivalent to putting anticipated winnings at a casino into your stock portfolio.  And, by the way, BLOCKCHAIN IS NOT THE ANSWER!!!

 - Level 3 - Security Implications of Quantum Computing

Quantum computing has been seen, in trade, research, and even science fiction literature, as a way to crack encryption keys with ease. With the advent of the first practical (and now commercial!) quantum computing devices, it is possible to see that such a "universal decryption" application is likely a long ways off. On the other hand, there are some very interesting applications that are much closer, with implications, both positive and negative, for information security. This presentation will provide a brief outline of the realities and limitations of quantum computing, and then look at a wide variety of applications and implications in all domains of security. Even trying to understand the concepts of quantum computing can make your head hurt, but true quantum computing (and some quantum operations that are not true quantum computing, such as analogue quantum co-processors) can have implications for functions and operations that are terrifically helpful (and sometimes very dangerous) for security. Using least path, simulation, and pattern matching as the most likely and helpful models, we can see advances (and attacks) in the areas of security management, security architecture, access control, cryptography (quite aside from quantum cryptography), physical security, BCP/DRP, applications security, security operations, telecommunications, and law and investigation. There are also some quantum considerations that will make traditional computers faster and more power efficient. (If time can be extended for the presentation, we can even model the BB84 protocol for quantum cryptography [which is not really cryptography].)

 - Security Awareness Lessons from Dr. Bonnie

Dr. Bonnie Henry, as BC's Chief Medical Health Officer, has demonstrably saved over 5,000 lives in just a few months. With the regular CoVID press briefings, she has also provided a MasterClass in effective communication of complex technical subjects. This reference provides real-world examples of the most significant points in designing and implementing an effective security awareness program. It also conclusively proves, with mathematical certainty, the importance of a security awareness training.

 - Security Frameworks

Find out the BS behind BS 7799. We give you the ITILlating facts to help you pull up your SOX and get the jump on the quidelines from "Audit" to "Zachman." As has been famously said, the nice thing about security standards is that there are so many of them. Which security framework is most appropriate for you? What can they help you to achieve? And where do Treadway and Turnbull come into it? Come with questions, get answers, and share experiences about the all-too-often mysterious checklists that govern our professional lives.

 - Level 2 - Social Media

Oversharing, curating, "ego searches," the ways social media sites aggregate data from you and all your friends, and also subtly encourage you to share more than you meant to.  Remember that their business model is to get you to tell them all about yourself, and then to sell that information to others.  Does "deleted" *really* mean deleted?  Does "private" mean what you think it means?

 - Level 2 - Disinformation and Discord

The "I" in the "CIA" triad stands for "integrity" of information, and, in our "post-truth" world, that has become more important, not less.  We are faced not merely with errors and misinformation, but active and increasingly directed efforts to deceive and mislead.  We need to be aware of the types of efforts involved in disinformation, as well as the ways we can fool ourselves, and rely too much on novel ideas such as artificial intelligence.  In addition, we need to look at social factors that can make us (and our technologies and enterprises) more susceptible to misinformation and disinformation.

 - Level 2 - Social Engineering and Social Media

Businesses are attempting to make use of social media, such as Facebook and Twitter, for corporate (primarily marketing) purposes. It is best to become informed about the concerns and security dangers related to such use. This presentation examines a number of risks (and benefits) using the CIA triad as a structure.

 - Level 2 - A 35 Year History of Malware

 - Level 2 - Security Dangers of the "Internet of Things" (IoT)

Although the "Hello Barbie" toy seems to have disappeared from the market, it's very existence provides a framework for examining issues in the Internet of Things (IoT).  This presentation is a thought experiment to examine questions of security common to many such devices.  The "Hello Barbie" toy is an excellent example for pointing out what we *don't* know about many "Internet of Things" devices and applications. What is done (and stored) locally, and what remotely? When remotely, what privacy regulations prevail? How much bigger can "big data" make aggregation attacks?

Rob requests those attending to bring their nominees for "world's stupidest Internet connected device.  Current front runners: net-connected vibrators, net-connected sniper rifle scope, iCon Smart Condom (tracking a man's "thrust velocity," calories expended "per session," skin temperature, as well as tests for chlamydia and syphilis)

 - Level 2 - Psychological Factors of the Metaverse

And then there are some more advanced seminars ...

 - Level 3 - Digital Fingerprints of Advanced Fee Frauds

 - Level 3 - Botnets

 - Level 2 - Presenting Technical Forensic Evidence in Court

This presentation will cover a number of areas, including the fact that lawyers don't just have a different job than we do¬they are a different species, different types of legal systems, types of evidence, rules of evidence, the chain of custody, the difference between witnesses of fact and expert witnesses, rules for expert testimony (opinion), and factors involved in presenting technical material to a non-technical audience.  We'll touch on liability, negligence, due diligence, and due care. This presentation is based on decades of working with lawyers in preparing for primarily civil lawsuits, but is applicable to investigative management of criminal cases as well. And remember: they don't have to prove you are wrong, they just have to make you look bad.

 - "One-Day" CISSP seminar

So, first I started explaining CoVID to my colleagues using security concepts they'd understand. Then I did a presentation, but it got too big and became a half a dozen presentations. Then I wrote "Cybersecurity Lessons from CoVID-19" at about the same time that I was putting together a full CISSP seminar. So then I thought that a "one day" CISSP seminar would be a good thing, and I could use the pandemic as a giant case study to demonstrate the various security concepts and fundamentals. So, this *can* be broken into a variety of short presentations, or it can be a half-day workshop just on the CoVID security lessons, or it can be a full-day, one-day CISSP seminar using CoVID examples

 - Level 3 - Differential Privacy

Differential privacy is a relatively recent topic, although it is an amalgam of well- known, and long utilized, concepts. Oddly, outside of academic circles, it was almost unknown until Apple made a big deal of it in an announcement in 2016. Differential privacy is, however, the "quantitative risk analysis" of privacy, which is why it has such important points to make to the field of privacy, and why almost nobody is using it. (Including, mostly, Apple.) It's hard to know where to put differential privacy into the security domains. Law? But it's not that kind of privacy. Cryptography? There are lots of similar concepts. Security management? We have to deal with measures, metrics, budgets, and risk management. My vote tends to be for applications security, because we are primarily dealing with database management and database queries. We have to deal with the old problem of data aggregation attacks, but we also are using aggregation as a form of defence. It's not a perfect or binary system, because data cannot be fully anonymized and yet remain useful. So we have to balance total records, records of a given individual, the number and type of queries allowed, local or global privacy, probability, and noise, to get *enough* privacy: privacy as if an individual wasn't in the database. Differential privacy is the "quantitative risk analysis" of privacy, and therefore may be shunned by many. (Or used improperly.)

 - Level 3 - Homomorphic Encryption

How do you encrypt something, and still use it? Recently security operations has become very excited about homomorphic encryption. It seems to be the latest "magic" security technology that will solve all our problems, but I don't think we've really provided a good outline of what it is, and, particularly, what it can't do. This presentation will outline the basic concepts, note some specific forms and applications, and point out the various factors for use or consideration. Homomorphic encryption is not just a weak form of encryption (although you have to be careful, when creating or assessing a homomorphic encryption algorithm, that it isn't *too* weak). It actually isn't that new: we've been using it, in some ways, for decades. One issue in regard to homomorphic encryption is that it isn't universal: you have to choose the function that you want to use in order to determine your encryption algorithm. Various algorithms are being created and explored for the functions of addition, multiplication, comparison, and others, and you can download code for these and play with them yourself.  The best current example is probably the Rivest Three Ballot voting system, which opens a whole range of possibilities for voting security that we never had before.  Still, you have to be careful with what you think homomorphic encryption will do for you, and what it will actually do.

Not on security, but also available:

"Men's" Grief: Intuitive and Instrumental Grieving

After Gloria died, I started researching grief.  (I'm a systems analyst: if I am going to grieve, I am going to study the heck out of it.)  Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka had researched what they initially thought was a gender difference in grieving.  What they found were two different styles of grieving: not a dichotomy, but with definite gender "preferences."

Intuitive grieving; talking, about your emotions, based in the past; is the style that almost all bereavement counselling is based upon.  It is so universally perceived as "grief" that most grief literature states, outright, that failure to express emotion demonstrates a failure to do "grief work."  However, Martin and Doka also identified instrumental grieving; cognitively based, thinking and learning, planning for the future, and engaging in activities and projects.

Martin and Doka's research noted that there is not a dichotomy in styles: almost everyone grieves in both styles ("blended"), but with a tendency to one end or the other of the intuitive/instrumental continuum.  Most women tend to the intuitive end; most men tend to the instrumental end.  Since almost all grief counselling is based on the intuitive model, men tend to be underserved in regard to grief.

With the support of the Alberni Valley Hospice Society, I have been experimentally developing group grief group peer support incorporating the instrumental (as well as intuitive) concepts.  This presentation reports on the overall ideas, an attempt to structure a program and materials, and the initial results of some experimental groups.

Resources:

https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2023/02/review-of-men-dont-cry-women-do-by.html

https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2022/07/review-of-grieving-brain-by-mary.html

https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2022/03/grief-guys.html

https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2023/01/grief-guys-materials-and-resources.html

https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2022/12/grief-bibliography.html

Instrumental grieving

Grief Guys is not just about guys.  Although there is a gender-related preference that seems to occur, it has more to do with a personality type, and women can be on the instrumental end of the scale.  Which brings up another point: it is not a dichotomy between intuitive and instrumental grieving, but rather a continuum.  I am a systems analyst, so I am studying both my grief, and grief in general (instrumental) while grieving.  But I have cried a lot over Gloria's absence, and continue to have occasional (and sometimes major) grief bursts (intuitive).

This is one of the reasons why it is so important to get the idea to bereavement counsellors, who tend to be trained primarily on intuitive styles of grief.  The idea of "grief work" seems to be fixated and limited to the concept that grief work is primarily (and often *only*) dealing with emotions.  But O'Connor's idea of grieving, as expressed in "The Grieving Brain," seems to point to a need for cognitive "grief work," possibly related to learning or relearning, and therefore an instrumental type of grief work, as not quite distinct but possibly adjunct to the idea of affective grief work as seems to be universal in the grief industry.  (This is also why the "one size fits all" style of the "Grief Share" program, very deeply invested in emotive "grief work," does not fit at least half of mourners.)  (It is also why I am already regretting having chosen the "Grief Guys" sobriquet, which is catchy, but not exactly accurate.)

Stamps Cafe, Best Western Plus Barclay Hotel

Your coffee is dark,

bitter, expensive, and has

limited refills.

Go back?

Do I want to go back?  Do I want Gloria back, like so many of the online grievers are talking about?

No.

Gloria always had physical and medical problems, and she was often in a lot of pain, and she often said that she wanted her resurrection body *right now!*, and now she has it, and she is with God.  No way do I want her back in the fallen world and in pain just because I miss her.

And I have learned so many things, even though the learning process has been excruciatingly painful.  And I am doing new things I never would have done.

So, even though my life really sucks right now, no, I don't want to go back.

Patience

God grant me patience.

And I want it right away!

(Consistency?  No.)

Me

I'm not only weird,

I enjoy being that way.

(Also, I practice.)

(Remembering GJS and thanks to DH)

Review of JIBC online training

I have been an ESS volunteer for almost two decades now.  Back when I started, it was Emergency Social Services.  Recently they changed the name to Emergency Support Services.

I have taken, over the years, all kinds of training in all kinds of courses, related to emergency services and emergency management.  I have had courses taught by JIBC (the Justice Institute of British Columbia), the Red Cross, the Salvation Army, St John Ambulance, and various other groups and agencies.  Starting up again here in Port Alberni, I have to take a bunch of the basic courses all over again.  And these, the most basic courses, are taught through JIBC, online via their website.

I don't really mind retaking the basic courses.  It's always good to remind yourself of the basics.  It's always good to get a refresher.  (When I took them to begin with, they were pretty much review, since I have been teaching business continuity and disaster recovery planning, internationally, for several years longer than I've been in ESS.)  But taking the courses online through JIBC has been really, incredibly painful.

First of all, there is the registration process itself.  I can't say that it doesn't work, but it didn't work for quite a while.  Apparently, at some point in the dim and distant past, before JIBC set up their online training website, I must have given them an email address at some point.  Therefore, when I went to sign up and register as a new student on their website (which I had never done before, because the last time that I was taking courses from JIBC it was all paper-based), I couldn't get registered.  For anything.  I was told (by the Website), every time I attempted to register, that they would be sending me a confirmation email.  I never got any email.

The support staff at JIBC are terrific.  They are patient, and helpful.  They have to be.  They are dealing, everyday, with people who are unable to register for the courses that they need, or, unable, for various reasons related to the design of the courses, to complete the materials.  (Although, given the importance of the Website, it is intriguing that, when you *do* find the "Contacts" page [which is oddly rather hidden], there is no listing for technical support.)

So, when I dealt with an actual person, on the JIBC support staff, she was able to identify the fact that this additional email address was in my account.  Unfortunately, this doesn't really explain what happened.  The old email address is one that I still use, and, indeed, check every single day.  The JIBC did not send any messages either registering me, or indicating any kind of error, to either address.  The website said it was sending an email message, but no email message was ever sent to either address.  (Yes, I did check. I have checked both email addresses, and I have checked the spam filters on both email addresses.  Of all the messages that JIBC said that they sent in that time period, none went to either address in any way, shape, or form.)

At any rate, once the support agent was able to remove the old email address, I did start to receive email messages from the JIBC.  I was able to register for, and to start to take, the first couple of courses.  Which only demonstrated exactly how poor JIBC's Web-based educational materials are.

Those who pride themselves on educational design note that having an online course is not just putting text-based materials up on a Web page.  As an educator, for more than fifty years, who has taught in a variety of situations, including online, and as a sometime Web designer myself, I know that this is true.  Unfortunately, in the case of JIBC, this is basically what they do.

Actually, if they stuck to just putting the text materials up on the Web page, it might be better.  Instead, someone has convinced them to put all kinds of Web-based tricks up on the page.  Instead of a bulleted list of items, which someone could read fairly easily and quickly, the Web page relies on the little "plus" symbols to open the contents of the bullets in a list.  So, you, as the student, need to know about that form of web interface design, and click on the items to get the content, and then click on the next one to the next few sentences of content, and so forth, instead of just simply reading several sentences of materials which would take much less time, and would be much clearer.

In addition, the JIBC, in the course content, makes some pages available as PDFs.  When you click on these PDFs, the PDF content does not come up in a separate window, or in a tab, or in a sub window of the window that you're currently in.  No, for some reason, even if you ask for the material to be opened in a separate window, it will open up a separate window, but then, for some reason, close your original window.  So, wherever you were in the course, is basically lost.

And some of these supporting resources, the documents that contain extra details, or even full details of the material, simply aren't there.  And, in many cases, if you click on those resources, and the content isn't there, you can't get back to your course again.  You would have to shut down everything, and then go back, open a new window, login again, and proceed through the course to the point at which you tried to access a resource.  And then remember not to try to access that particular resource, or otherwise you need to go through the whole process all over again.

There are more problems with registration.  Going through various programs, some courses require prerequisites.  This is fairly normal in any kind of curriculum.  However, in the case of the Web-based materials, JIBC enforces the prerequisite requirements, by not allowing you to register for a course if you don't have the prerequisites on your account.  Unfortunately, JIBC, even though it has this computer-based system, which should have access to course marks pretty much instantly, can take an unreasonably long time to credit you the marks for your course.  So, in many cases, you will be unable to register for a subsequent course, even after you have successfully completed one course as a prerequisite, if the system still doesn't recognize that you have, in fact, completed, and passed, the course.

And there are all kinds of reasons why it won't register you for a course.  And the registration process requires, for some reason, multiple screens for you to go through for a simple registration or checkout process.  All of these screens are very busy, with very tiny print and very small fonts, in multiple forms, with boxes and bars and grade areas, and it's hard enough to fill them out in the first place.  If the system coughs on something that you have entered, it will, actually, present you with a new screen with the error on it.  Unfortunately, the new screen is pretty much identical to the old with the addition (again, in a very small font) of some kind of error message buried in amongst the other verbiage on the screen.  It is therefore extremely difficult to figure out from this new screen that is presented to you, what the problem is, or, indeed, that there is in fact a problem and that this is a new screen rather than simply a non-responsive original screen.

And the site isn't even consistent with itself.  Different screens will tell you different things.  About the same course.  I can't tell what I am registered for, and what I have passed.  My "report card" (and don't ask me how to get at it, because most stuff I just come across by accident, and can't ever find again) doesn't show any mark for either the first course that I took (and passed), or a subsequent course (which I also passed).  The last time I tried to register for a third course, it said I couldn't because I didn't have the second.   (That was after I had passed the second.)  But somewhere, I came across a page that shows me registered for the third!  So I have no idea whether I will be able to do the next course next month.

I enjoy helping.  I enjoy volunteering.  I like the fact that I am an important part of helping people at the worst time in their lives.  I very much enjoy being an ESS volunteer.  But JIBC is driving me nuts!

Priceless

Never gain what you

cannot keep at the cost of

what you shouldn't lose.

South southport wifi hotspots

There is a weak ShawOpen hotspot out the front and back of the Alberni curling centre, but not off to the side.  There is some Shaw Open signal behind the Industrial Heritage building, but not accessible in the front.  There is a strong signal around the side of the woodworking/billiards room, but it is not in an area physically accessible from inside the building, and you have to walk around and through the garbage.

There is a strong signal around the tennis club, and the tennis club does have one doorway protected by an overhang, and some steps that could act as a place to sit in the warmer summertime.

There is a strong ShawOpen signal in the Quality Foods parking lot, but the Quality Food guest wifi signal itself doesn't seem accessible from outside the building.  The hotspot disappears as you go down the China Creek side of the building.  Kitty corner across the street there is a reasonable shot open signal.  The hotspot on China Creek and 10th does not appear to be from the Del Rio academy, but rather the Thumbs Up Therapy behind it.  This, in conjunction with The Comfort Zone, provides for a pretty much complete coverage of a two block long stretch of China Creek, between 8th and 10th.  It seems to be a very useful place to be able to walk and dictate.

There is a reasonable connection in the area of the Coulson storage/old Woodwards building, although it is hard to determine the exact location.  (It may radiate from the Woodward's Village office across the street.)  The Royal Bank, as is common, radiates a strong RBC guest signal, although it is sometimes problematic to get a connection.

Sermon 3 - Blackberries

On one of my walks, I was pondering over expressions of love, and our expectations of what those look like.  I realized that, for me, people show love to me by feeding me.  (This is not a particularly edifying thing to learn about about oneself, but fortunately this sermon is not about me, but about God's provision for all of us.)  This is not to say that I feel that McDonald's or Boston Pizza particularly love me, or are demonstrating love for me.  No, what I feel as a gift of love is when somebody feeds me without me paying for it, without me doing anything in return, without any expectations of what I will do as repayment for this meal.

Also, while I have been out walking, I have been noting, cataloging, and inventorying the blackberry bushes along the various routes that I take.  And shortly after I realized what I realized about people feeding me, I realized that this was a demonstration of God feeding me.  God is demonstrating his love for me.  I didn't plant the blackberry bushes.  I didn't water them. (This is a particularly strong indication that God is doing the work, especially since I have been watering Deltassist's gardens all summer. Regularly. Religiously, you might say.)  Nobody is taking care of the blackberry bushes.  Indeed, when anybody does concern themselves with most of the blackberry bushes, it is to send out a crew to cut them back.

So, regularly thereafter, on my walks, which were taking place earlier and earlier in the morning to get out of the heat of the day, I was having breakfast with God.  God's treat.  God was providing the blackberries, so that I could have breakfast.

Blackberries are a pretty nice fruit.  If you know what you're doing, and only pick the ripe ones, they're really sweet and quite delicious.  And God is not only providing for me.  The blackberries have some berries that come fully ripe into large, juicy, sweet berries.  And some that stay small.  And even dry on the vine early in the summer.  So God's provision is not just for me, but for the birds, as well.  These dried berries will provide nourishment for a variety of small birds well into the winter.  Late in the winter, it may be almost all the nourishment that those birds can obtain in order to survive the winter.

This prolific provision, for people, bears, and birds, is probably an additional lesson that we learn from blackberries.  The first lesson is, of course the provision itself: God loves us.  God is providing for us.  God provides for us in a variety of ways, and provides not only for us but for many others as well.  God, of course, provides for, as he created, all living things.  It's just that blackberries give us a very specific illustration of this.

Which brings me to the next theological lesson that blackberries teach us.  It's rather strange that these blackberries grow in such abundance, and perfusion, and produce such delectable fruit, and provide so well for those of us who live in this area.  Because these blackberries are not native to this area.  What you know of as blackberries, and what pretty much everyone who lives in British Columbia thinks of in terms of blackberries, are not a native species.  They are, in fact, an invasive species.  God never planted them here.  God created them elsewhere.  They are known, for reasons which completely escapes me, as Himalayan BlackBerry.  They don't come from the Himalayas; they come from Iran.  It's quite possible that Abraham ate blackberries from this species.  (Well, I guess at that point he was known as Abram.)  Somebody imported them, and cultivated them in Oregon.  And then the birds took over.  And now you see blackberry all the way from Alaska to California.  Himalayan BlackBerry.  An invasive species.

So, what is the second lesson? God takes even our mistakes, and interference with his plan, and can make something good out of it.

There are native species of BlackBerry.  I know of at least four different native species.  I am getting really interested in native species of British Columbia, and I'm trying to collect samples of them.  I collected two native species from a church in Delta, before I moved to Port Alberni.

So, lesson one: God loves us and provides for us.  Lesson 2: God provides lavishly for everyone.  Lesson 3: God makes provision for us, sometimes in very merciful ways, even when we disobey him.

Okay, that's three points.  And we've already got the illustration.  The illustration is blackberries.  So, according to the rules, I've completed the requirements for a sermon.  But wait!  There's more!  (God isn't the only one who can be lavish in his provision.)

God uses blackberries to teach us patience.  (If we have the patience to learn the lesson.)  As I said, I am collecting samples of native blackberry plants.  I've collected samples this year.  I've stuck them in pots, and watered them, and, so far, they haven't died.  But I don't expect to get any fruit next year.

The first year that blackberries send out vines, they just send out long shoots.  These long shoots cover a lot of ground.  Sometimes the ends of the shoots touch down on the ground, in which case they tend to root into the ground, and develop a new plant.  But what they don't develop is any flowers.  Or any fruit.  The first year the blackberry just sends out vines.  The second year, those vines develop side shoots, and those shoots will develop flowers, and, eventually, blackberries.

So we have to wait.  We have to be patient.  God doesn't do things on our time, or our demand.  God does things in his time.  And his time is eternity.  We need to learn that what we consider urgent is not.  In the grand, universal, logical cosmological scheme of things, what we consider urgent is simply a passing phase.

Reconciliaction

See it on TV.

It's different to hear live

survivor stories.

Small towns

I am remembering one of the things that bugs me about small towns.  Just because someone is marginally smarter than most of the population of [Your Home Town!], and has marginally more information than is absolutely required in their day-to-day existence, they feel that I should agree with them in their conspiracy theory of the day.

Argh.

And then there are those who, because some of my projects are starting to bear fruit, (and ignoring the fact that a number of the projects that I have started have sunk without a trace, as is usual: I am, in a sense an activity or idea "entrepreneur," and you have to start a number of projects and ideas, hoping to have one succeed) some people are getting annoyed that I, as the new kid in town, am succeeding, where they, who have been in town longer, are not succeeding.  Well, have you actually tried to do anything?  I am remembering that an awful lot of people in small towns are somewhat lazy.  Particularly intellectually lazy.  I hope I do not become so.  But I strongly suspect that it is a possibility.

And, recently, one of the residents of the town pointed out to me that it was a small town, and felt the need to pass along the importance of never saying anything bad about anybody, since whatever you say will eventually get back to the person you said it about.  Sorry, I'm used to being a big city boy, and having the fact that I am completely unimportant mean that I can say whatever I think.  I am not looking forward to having to watch my tongue for the rest of my life.  I suppose I can say whatever I feel like here, since it's unlikely that anybody in [Your Home Town!] is going to consider it important to check out my blog, and for all of you who are reading this, all two of you, it's unlikely to get back to anybody in [Your Home Town!].

Driving, walking, streets

Aggressive drivers

seem to be the norm on

Port Alberni streets.

Pain

Nobody in this insular, provincial, self-absorbed town cares whether I live or die.

Okay, how's that for a self-absorbed statement?  Why should they care?  Why should anyone in this town, where I am new, where I have no background, where I have no connections, care about me?

Of course, there is no reason.  But, that is what pain does to you.  Pain concentrates your attention on the pain.  Pain concentrates your attention, because something is wrong.  You need to fix whatever is wrong, or, at least, avoid making the problem any worse.

If I knew what the problem was, I would fix it.

Of course, I do know what the problem is.  The problem is that Gloria is dead.  The problem is that I am alone, in a strange town, with strange people, and strange churches, and I do not have a best friend.  I do not have a wife.  I do not have any administrative support, for any of my attempts to address any of these issues.  The various projects that I am proposing to people, and organizations, and charities, and churches, could all use some administrative assistance.  And I could use administration, in contacting the right people, bugging them after I contacted them, and developing the ideas further so they are as complete as possible when I do get somebody's interest.  It's only one aspect of what I don't have.  I also don't have a job: my previous job was, basically, taking care of Gloria.  I do not have any friends, since all my former friends are terrified that I will talk about Gloria, or death, or grief.  And, of course, all of the people here, who do not care if I live or die, also are terrified that I will talk about Gloria, or pain, or death, or grief, as soon as I start to do so.  They can't wait to veer the subject off any of those topics, as quickly as possible.

If I knew what was wrong, I would fix it.  But, of course, what is wrong is the Gloria is still dead.  I do not have a wife.  I do not have any friends.  As well as being intensely lonely (which is simply a part of grief: one of the symptoms of grief).  And I am not likely to attract friends.  Or a wife.

I have been church shopping.  So far, I cannot say that I am terribly surprised that I haven't found one.  In the times that I have gone church shopping in the past, I haven't found any churches that were particularly useful.  It is an act of purest optimism to continue the attempt.  Churches are insular.  You will perhaps recall Slade's Law of Church Choice: do not attend any church with the word "friendly" in the name or the slogan.  All churches claim to be friendly.  But they're not.  Oh, they are not unfriendly.  They are welcoming.  On a very superficial level.  They are polite.  They say welcome.  They say we are glad you came.  And they do not care whether you live or die.  Not until you prove useful to them.  (Extensively useful.)  (And, I was reminded the day before yesterday, churches do not know how to do deal with single males.)

Obviously something is wrong.  Otherwise I would not be in pain.  Other than the fact that Gloria is still dead, I do not know what, specifically, is wrong.  I do not know what I am doing wrong that ensures that I am still in pain.  Possibly I am guilty of something.  Guilt is what you feel when you have done something wrong.  Perhaps I have done, or am doing, something wrong.  If so, I wish I knew what it was.  But then there is shame.  Shame is what you feel about something you *are*.  So, perhaps it is not that I have done something wrong.  Perhaps I simply *am* wrong.  That would be much harder to fix, even if I could figure out what the problem was.

Help

How can I help you?

Well, there is this, and also ...

Oh dear, you are gone.

Advice on advice

Well, he did ask.  He asked how I was, and I said terrible.  He asked what I was looking for in a church, and I said I was looking for a church that cared whether I lived or died.  To his credit, he did not immediately and automatically object that their church cared whether I lived or died.  So it wasn't just an auto response.  But he didn't really respond, either.

He asked whether I was at peace with myself.  I did think about that.  But, by and large, I *am* at peace with myself.  I know that I'm very definitely not perfect.  I know what I am capable of, and what I have trouble with.  I know that I am not as capable as I was before Gloria died, and that my cognitive capacities are somewhat impaired.  I still know that I can function at a reasonable level, and I'm okay with that.  I know that there are a number of areas where I am not confident, and I'm okay with that too.  So, I replied that, yes, generally I was at peace with myself.

So, for an hour and a half, when he wasn't distracted by driving, or spotting the next charity target, he advised me, basically, that I needed to be at peace with myself.  After several repetitions of this, I pointed out that I had said that I was at peace with myself, and he changed his wording to say that I needed to find some comfort of mind, rather than peace of mind.

Oh, really?  Yah think?

Yeah, I can definitely use some comfort.  Starting with, I'd like somebody to listen to me.  *Listen* to me.  How I'm feeling.  Listen to Gloria's story.  Listen without feeling the need (or the license) to give me advice.  As if I'm stupid.  As if cliched pieces of standard advice, which probably don't apply to very much of anybody anyway, are what I need.  Listen to what I actually *do* need.  Listen, rather than maundering on with cliches, and partial ideas that never do get completed, for an hour and a half.  It was hard work trying to listen to it.  It was hard work trying to parse out any kind of useful idea out of the mass of verbiage.  And, in the end, it was not of any benefit at all.

Yes, I could use some comfort.  Starting with somebody who will listen.

Which he, signally, did not.