All things work together for good ...

"And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God."

      - Romans 8: 28

OK, I promsed that I would tell you about all things working together for good.

Once upon a time I was a teacher.  I was an elementary school teacher.  I loved it.  In those days there was a king in the land.  His name meant son of salmon.  He hated anyone who was smarter than he was, and, since he was pretty dumb, that covered a lot of ground.  (Since he was pretty dumb, they first made him education minister, and then king.)

He passed a law saying that teachers had to be paid less, and work more, and teach larger classes, and then caused about eleven thousand teachers to be fired. I was one of the first.

(Parenthetically, I should note that, prior to doing it, I never wanted to be a teacher.  Both my parents were teachers, and didn't particularly like it, and weren't particularly good at it.  Dad once suggested that I become a teacher so that I could put in the thirty years and then retire, which I thought was a poor recommendation for the profession.  But I became a teacher, and found that I'd been doing it for years, and that I loved it.)

I was devastated about being fired.  I went back home.  And I went to the BCTF.  They had started UTAC, the Unemployed Teachers Action Centre.  I started volunteering there, and, since I had started using the computer to teach kids, held seminars teaching unemployed teachers how to use the computer.

In those days the BC Computer Education Committee came to the BCTF and said that they had a seat available on their committee.  The BCTF, knowing nothing about computers, didn't know who to send.  But they knew they had this guy teaching about computers down in UTAC so they gave me the seat.

You will notice that it was because I got fired that I went to UTAC. And because I was fired and went to UTAC I got a seat on the BCCEC. 

While serving on the BCCEC, I was given an account on UBC's computer system, and then on SFU's.  Therefore I got on to the Internet (before it was called the Internet) when there were only about a thousand people there.

I was still trying to get back into teaching, so I looked into a Masters program for teachers using computers in education.  I had enough money to take the degree, but only if I could do it in one year.  I talked to the program head, and he said that, yes, it could be done in a year.  After the first (summer) term, I found out that, no, they didn't run any of the courses for the degree other than in the summer months.  The head said that I could take whatever computer courses I could find.  I had no pre-requisites for any technical courses, so that only people who would let me sign up for their courses were those teaching specialties.  So I ended up taking human factors engineering, and microprocessor interfacing, and artificial intelligence, and database management (which, to this day, I recommend that *anyone* who goes into *any* area of information technology should take), and other non-standard courses.  It gave me a pretty broad exposure to the field.

Because I was on the Internet, at that time, I started researching these new programs (new then anyways) called computer viruses.

Now, again, I want to point out, that if I hadn't gotten fired, I wouldn't have been at UTAC, and, therefore, if I hadn't gotten fired I wouldn't have gotten on the BCCEC, and therefore, if I hadn't gotten fired I wouldn't have gotten on the Internet as early as I did.  If I hadn't gotten fired, I would probably still be somewhat content, teaching kids in Kitimat.  I wouldn't have been desperate to take another degree, and I wouldn't have been forced to take all those weird courses.

Eventually, I was doing an awful lot of security consulting.  So I decided that I should take this test to see if I knew what I was talking about when I was talking about security.  It turned out the researching viruses was awfully good preparation for this certification, and the breadth of background I had from the Masters degree didn't hurt, either.  I got high enough marks that I was allowed to become one of their instructors.

I got sent to teach these preparation seminars all over the world.  I got to teach on six continents.

All of this took time, of course.  I got on to the BCCEC fairly quickly.  But it was another five years before I started researching viruses.  And it was another 15 years before I'd done enough security consulting to think that maybe I should take this exam.  And then it took me about another 10 years to realize that, yes, I was doing an awful lot of teaching.  In an awful lot of different places.

But eventually, because I had been fired from teaching (and specifically because I got fired), I got to teach on six continents.

Review of "Without Remorse" movie

When I read the book, "Without Remorse," I found it to be, overall, a satisfying read, and an acceptable part of the canon.

But, just to indicate how pointless and interchangeable most "shoot-em-up" movies are, even though I was alerted to the fact that the recent movie *was* based on a Tom Clancy book, I didn't realize *which* book it was until the very end ...

House and toilet

Okay, I did not expect to be doing this today.  I expected to go to the Vancouver coastal health isolation outreach committee meeting, and then to the trade show.  The trade show was pretty convenient, even though I had to leave the meeting early, because it was only two blocks down the street from where I have to change from the SkyTrain to the bus anyway.

Well, I got out of the meeting on time okay.  Then, the first problem was that, this being the summer and all, and it being the *beginning* of summer all of a sudden, the 257 was full.  Right at the initial stop.  Right beside the ferry terminal.  Full of people with suitcases who had just gotten off of the ferry.  So, I had to stand all the way downtown.  But then there was no problem getting the sky train down to Brighouse.  And it's a nice walk, in the sunshine (after they had been predicting showers), down to the hotel where the trade show is being held.  But, after a while, particularly having stood on the bus all the way downtown, my back was killing me.  So I had to take a break.

At first I just wanted to sit down for a bit.  Then I went back into the fray.  But that really didn't do it, so, I thought I'd find a chair with a table nearby.  While I was looking for that kind of a situation, I realized that what I really needed was the bathroom, and maybe a bit of a sit.

So, I found one, and sat down.  And, as is my wont, I set myself up with something to do.  Now, of course, being an information security maven, one of the things to try is to see what the wifi is like in the hotel.  So I checked it out.  "Sheraton Guest," of course, wants a room number and a name.  "Sheraton Conference" wasn't really open: it wanted a guest pass.  There was also "Staff 2022," which I figured would need usernames and passwords.  But there was, intriguingly, another option, of "Sheraton_CONFERENCE".  That one, while having a slightly weaker signal, was, in fact, open.

So, having established myself with an internet connection, I decided to check what the girls were doing on WhatsApp.  I reported on what I was doing, and then was surprised when I was told hey, there's another option on your house.  Are you interested in doing it sooner? 

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, a number of recent factors and events make moving sooner quite an attractive option.  However, buying a house is a big deal.  Do we have to do this right now (while, you will recall, I am sitting on the toilet), or can we talk about it this weekend?  Well, no, as a matter of fact we *do* have to do it right now.  So, I did.  I bought a house.  Literally, while I was sitting on the toilet.

For a whole bunch of reasons it's a good idea.  It has a number of benefits.  It may have some reasonable financial benefits.  There is a slight increase in the cost of the house.  But there are some offsetting savings.

There are psychological reasons why it's a good idea, such as the fact that it will, at least, be settled.  Being unsettled is a little unsettling.  There are social reasons why it's a good idea.  I will be closer to Number One Daughter.  I will be closer to Number One Grandson.  (I will be slightly further away from Number Two Grandson, but only by a matter of about fifty feet.)  I will be closer to my great-grandson.  I will be closer to my granddaughter-in-law, and will have much more of a chance to get to know her.

I will have the chance to get to know Port Alberni much sooner.  I will have the chance, possibly as early as late summer, to map out walking routes around town.  (Before winter rains?)  I think it will be an interesting test to see if I can walk to Sproat Lake, and back.  (The one-way trip is only about the same length as some of the trips that I'm doing now.)

It's a very good idea for a whole bunch of reasons.  I am grateful for the work that is being done on my behalf to get it done.  At the same time, my stomach is going, "You did *WHAT*?  I am still at the trade show.  I am walking around still checking out the booths.  I can no longer figure out whether I have seen these people before, whether I have seen everybody I want to see, and whether I have gathered all the swag that I want to gather.  My brain is just continually going processing, processing, processing, processing, processing, .....

Blog interface

Some of you may know, I am writing a blog.

(Well, of course you know.  You're reading it.)

Google's Blogger interface has some interesting quirks.  One that I find the most interesting has to do with basic input. 

I write most of the blog entries in Notepad.  Notepad is simple.  Well, Microsoft is trying to make it more complex, but it's still a pretty basic text editor.  It doesn't, for example, find that I have put in a quotation mark and decide that it should replace it with an open left quotation mark, or an open right quotation mark.  Honestly, MS Office, why do you think I put a space before the quotation mark? 

Blogspot, or Blogger, likes to put a blank line between paragraphs.  However, it likes to be told when a new paragraph is.  If I don't put in two line feed carriage return combinations, Blogger sometimes decides that this is all one paragraph.

However, on occasion, and more really than on occasion, putting in two line feed carriage return combinations generates three lines between the paragraphs.  It's the same sequence of characters.  Why does it make one or no returns sometimes, and three returns at other times?  Inquiring minds want to know.

Gosh darn hero

In the movie "Free Guy" there is a line, "That security guard is a gosh darn hero!"  (Well, no, actually they don't say "gosh darn" in the movie, but you get the gist.)  It's not a major line, but it does explain two subsequent throw-away scenes in the movie.

I cry every time I see it.  Or think about it.

Is it just because it's one of my trigger buttons ("self-sacrifice")?

Is it just because I have worked as a security guard?

Is it just because the movie, as a whole, is so emotionally fraught?

Magical "Singularity?"

Someone is warning us of the dangers that AI (artificial intelligence) could develop it's own kind of magic.

This could only be of concern in a world where "Sharknado" was not only a successful movie, but went on to become a franchise.  (Oh.  Wait ...)

First of all, you have to believe in magic.  I mean, can you even *define* magic?  (Go ahead.  I'll wait ...)

Then you have to believe in AI.  (*Can* people who are serious about AI believe in magic?  Other than those who consider computers to be "magic" anyway?)  I'm not sure that I'm willing to say that artificial intelligence will never exist.  But the more we "develop" it, the further off it seems to get.  Yes, we can get certain forms of AI to do some pretty impressive things these days.  But I recall one of the really big names in AI being willing to predict that we'd have human level intelligence in ten years, and then, what with the Singularity, it would just explode from there.

(You know what the Singularity is, don't you?  Since artificial intelligence can be upgraded and modified so fast [much faster than we can evolve], the first thing a true artificial intelligence, at our level, would do is to find ways to improve itself.  That intelligence would then become smarter, and would develop new improvements for itself quicker, and the intelligence would develop in an exponential fashion that would completely leave us in the dust.  This is kind of like the ending of the movie "Her.")

So, as I say, this big name was willing to predict that all this would happen, and, within ten years of achieving that "human" level breakthrough, AI would be far and away smarter than we are.  And, as I say, he was willing to say that the human level would be achieved within ten years.

Mind you, he said that over twenty years ago ...

Review of McDonalds at Scott and 86th

Well, let's start out as we enter the restaurant.  First of all, since we have already examined some aspects of the MyRewards program, we might as well note that, for the new summer cheap drink special, it's unnecessarily complicated.  It used to be that you just got any size drink for a dollar.  Now McDonalds seems determined to use this annual special to promote its MyRewards program.  If you want a small drink that's $1. If you want a medium drink that's $1.25. if you want a large drink that's $1.50.  Unless you use the app.

The cheap summer drink special coupon, tied to the MyRewards program, does not work with the kiosks.  This is not necessarily the fault of those at the 86th Avenue location.  Presumably it is a fault in the programming of the MyRewards app using the kiosk interface.  The kiosk will recognize the coupon code for this special.  It then presents you with a menu.  You are supposed to choose what type of drink you want.  And then choose the size of drink that you want.  And then choose what type of drink you want.  And then choose what size of drink you want.  And then choose what type of drink you want.  And then choose what size of drink you want.  All while numbers of drinks are being racked up in a sidebar on the interface.  Since this coupon is only good for one drink it's hard to understand why the interface is presented in this way.  And, in any case, there is no point at which you can get out of this infinite loop, and finish the order for your drink.  Or, at least, I haven't found it yet.  I've tried this several times and it's never worked.

So then you go to the counter.  Having started ordering via the coupon at the kiosk, the coupon code is no longer valid.  However, the coupon code will generate a new code for you, after several error messages. First of all you have to wait in the lineup. 

There is always a lineup.  Like their cousins, at Wendy's, eight blocks farther north up the street, this location seems fixated on the drive-thru.  The drive-thru always takes priority.  Even when nothing in particular is happening on the drive-thru.  There is no one at the counter most of the time.  There is no one fulfilling the orders that have been processed and are ready to be handed across the counter.  By the time you get someone's attention, there is a lineup.

By the time you reach the front of the line, the code for the coupon for a cheap summer drink has expired, or timed out.  You then have to go through the entire process of selecting the specials, selecting the summer cheap drink special, asking to use this coupon, and asking it to generate a code.  At this point there's usually one more error message objection, before it presents you with the code.  Once it presents you with the code, ordering is generally not a problem.  You do have to specify that it is a large drink that you want.  And paying for your order is generally not a problem. 

Getting your order, now that's a problem.  The person at the counter has gone on to the next person in line behind you.  Even if all you want is a cup of coffee, or a cheap summer drink (which only requires a cup), no one is available to serve you.  You can starve to death before anyone comes up to the counter to see what it is that you want.  So if you don't want to starve to death you yell at the staff at the back.  Eventually somebody comes.  You say that you want a cup for order number such and such.  And you get your cup.  At this point you can get your drink. 

So, service is not a strong point at this location.

McDonald's is big on quality control.  So, the quality should not necessarily be an issue.  However, I have noted that the food items that I have ordered at this particular location are not the best that I've ever had at any McDonald's.  I'm not quite sure what the problem is.  I can't really put my finger on anything that is done wrong.  Yes the food is not necessarily terribly warm.  But nothing is necessarily missing unless I'm missing something.  However, I just don't find that the food at this McDonald's is as good as at other locations.  So something is wrong with the quality somewhere.

Venting

 Then again, this may be a review of my (rental) apartment building.

We were told that vents were provided so that portable air conditioners could be connected and "exhaust" hot air to the outside.  I have learned some interesting things about the air conditioning vents in this building.  First of all, the fittings for those "vents" were never manufactured for, nor were they intended for, exhaust for portable air conditioners.  They are, in fact, intended to be the vents for *providing* cold air, from a central air conditioning system.  This isn't hard to figure out, or confirm, when you note the adjustable nature of the vents.  It's meant for a central air conditioning system, that is always on, so that the user can open or close the vents, or limit the flow, themselves.  This building does not have a central air conditioning system, despite having a heat pump for heating and hot water.

Those vents are not intended to be air return vents or exhaust vents.  Exhaust vents for portable air conditioners have a standardized hose size.  (Although that standardized hose size isn't standardized to anything else.)  It seems to be about 5 and 3/4 inches in diameter, and doesn't fit anything else like dryers or whatever.  But it does have a standard.  (At least it has up until now.  Now, air conditioners have standardized on a rectangular exhaust vent, which then connects to a round, possibly four inch hose, for venting through a window.  So the standardized air hoses for exhausting portable air conditioners will be changing in the near future, and it may become difficult to get the current sized hose.  But, in any case, it's certainly has nothing to do with the vents that we were shown as exhaust vents for portable air conditioners.)  The new, through window, exhaust venting hoses, will also not fit the vents that are installed in the apartment.

(The owner is now denying ever claiming that portable air conditioners could use the vents.)

Vacation

Now that Gloria is dead, a lot of people are suggesting that I take a vacation.

Most of them seem to think that the best vacation is just to come and visit them.  These are the same people who have trouble with me talking about Gloria even on a phone call.  And who can't be bothered making a phone call to me, in any case.  I'm not sure why they would think that not being able to talk to them in person is better than not being able to talk to them about Gloria on the phone.  If you have no other choice, and you desperately need to get away from where you are, and be someplace else (*any* place else), then I suppose going and visiting someone, and staying in their house, is a cheap way to do this.  But I don't think that I am quite that desperate just to be someplace else.  Visiting someone, and staying in someone else's house, is not necessarily restful.  You want to be a good guest.  You want to get up when they get up, and eat when they eat.  And eat *what* they eat.  You want to talk to them, because they obviously expect this.  You can't just go for long walks, by yourself, in solitary, without reference to anybody else.  Which I can do at home anytime I don't feel like doing something else.  It helps my cardiovascular health, it helps my weight loss, and it gives me time to think.  By myself.  Without reference to anybody else.

There are a couple of variations on this theme.  My cousin wants me to go on the Camino de Santiago de la Compastelo.  Possibly because this is the biggest thing that she's ever done, and she thought it was really terrific.  She hasn't yet said any particular reason *why* it was so terrific.  She also walks faster than I do, and wouldn't be walking with me along the Camino.  We would probably be staying at the same hostels every night.  However, at the hostels, one of the major benefits of doing this (according to what I've read so far about it) is the people that you meet at the hostels, from other parts of the world, and outside your experience.  You don't necessarily want to speak to people that you already know every night.  And, from the research that I have done about the Camino, so far, it doesn't seem particularly restful either.  I'm not talking about the thirty to thirty-five kilometres of walking everyday.  I could do that.  I'm doing 17 or 20 km on many days, as well as getting other stuff done.  And I very much doubt that there's other stuff that I could get done along the Camino. 

No, my concern about the Camino not being particularly restful, is what the books about the Camino tend to say about making arrangements, remaking arrangements, booking, rebooking, finding out that the natives where you intended to stay don't speak your language, and you don't speak theirs, finding places to sleep, finding places to eat, and doing this all on the fly.  Because, even though you should book in advance, sometimes your plans fall apart for a variety of reasons. 

The most attractive of the options that has been presented to me is from my baby brother.  He likes cruises.  I've never actually been on a cruise.  At all.  I have been on extended overnight ferry rides, and I'm sure that I wouldn't have a particular problem, either with rough water, or with sleeping on board ship.  I like water.  I grew up on the water.  I like oceans.  They are very restful.  Even in storms.  (As long as you have a warm, dry place to stay out of the rain.)

What my baby brother is most interested in, right now, is a repositioning cruise.  An extended repositioning cruise.  The shortest of the options that he's looking at right now is thirty-six days.  It's from Vancouver to Sydney, Australia.  Like I say, it's the most attractive of the vacation options right at the moment.

Yes, I know that there are a lot of things to learn.  I know that there are questions to ask.  Starting with, what do I do about covid?  What happens if the boat gets an outbreak of covid?  How much is it to get trip cancellation insurance that would cover this eventuality?  How much is it to get medical insurance that would cover this eventuality, regardless of which port they might throw me off in?

Like I say, my baby brother has been on numerous cruises before.  He's giving me some tips.  Interesting things like, if I can't find someone else to come with me I'm going to have to pay for both occupants of the cabin, myself.  Right now, that sounds like a very attractive option.  Having a cabin, to myself, for more than a month, anytime I want it.  He also tells me that gratuities are included, or, rather, mandatory.  And he's told me how much they are for a cruise of this length.  There's also the price of Internet access.  I'm not sure whether I would need Internet access.  It might be great not to have any Internet access.  Or, at least, just to have it when I desperately need it.

The thing is, what's so attractive about this option, is that it would force me to take a vacation.  I would be able to get *some* work done.  I can always take along something to work on.  And I would probably be judicious about which books I would take along with me.  I'm not worried about running out of things to do, or to read.  I'm also sure that there would be a library on the cruise ship.  Probably very little frequented by my fellow travelers. 

But I wouldn't be able to go to meetings.  *Any* meetings.  I wouldn't be able to go to any meetings in person, of course.  But, even if I did pay for Internet access the whole time of the cruise, it probably wouldn't be great access for Zoom meetings.  So an awful lot of the meetings, that I feel that I have to attend right now, I simply wouldn't be able to if I was on the cruise.  I would *have* to not do them.

I'd probably be of some help.  To my sister-in-law.  She, like Gloria, doesn't like mornings.  My baby brother is getting up early these days.  So do I, so I could take him out for breakfast and we could get in  couple of miles walking around the ship, and give my sister-in-law a bit of a break so she could sleep in.

There are more things to find out about the cruise.  One of them being, what about duties and taxes?  From some ads that I've seen duties and taxes can exceed the price of the supposed trip ticket.  Do you have to book a deck chair if you want to sit down anywhere on the ship?  How do you book a deck chair?  How expensive is it to book a deck chair?  I know that port visits are an additional cost.  Is it okay if you just never get off the ship?  As I say, right now that seems like a very attractive option.  Just not getting off the ship until it finally docks in Sydney.  It seems like a very restful idea.

Getting on with it

 I promised I would tell you about getting on with it.

I have fought depression and suicidal ideation, for over 50 years.  I first became aware of depression when I was in university.  I realized that I had been fighting it for some time prior to that.  However, being in university gave me an opportunity to study various aspects of depression.  I've definitely experienced it over 50 years.  I've had counseling sessions with a number of counselors, of different types, all of whom have eventually, basically, given up.  I have had at least three rounds of medication with different types of antidepressant drugs.  They don't seem to do anything for me. 

There isn't any reason for depression.  At least, no reason that's apparent to anyone else.  There probably is some factor involved in brain chemistry that triggers depression, but this is not apparent to anyone on the outside.  And it's not particularly apparent to you as a depressed person or as a person in depression.  Brain chemistry is hard to measure.  It's not something that you, yourself, can assess.  You just know you're depressed.  I probably don't need to go into all the details of depression, the lethargy, the brain fog, the inability to form new ideas, the sleep interruptions and disturbance, everything that goes into making up depression.  You can read about those elsewhere.

One of the factors of depression that I studied, while I was in university and had the opportunity, was the theory of learned helplessness.  This seems to have started with research by Martin Seligman.  It's an interesting theory, based on experimentation, primarily with animals, but extending into all kinds of additional research with people.  The basic theory is that when a subject learns that they cannot succeed in a situation, they learn helplessness.  Learned helplessness seems to be pretty much identical to depression.  One person who objected to Seligman's work and theories stated that learned helplessness was a false theory because the brain chemistry of subjects in learn helplessness and in depression were in fact identical.  Well, I suppose that would be exactly the point of the theory of learned helplessness. 

In any case, once subjects had learned helplessness, the next step was to figure out how to *unlearn* helplessness.  And, therefore, cure depression, as it were.  The only way to do this seemed to be to force the subjects to succeed.  In the case of animal studies, this might involve taking an animal subject and physically moving them from an area where they shouldn't be, to where they should be.  Or forcing them to do whatever it was that you wanted them to learn to either avoid a punishment or obtain a reward.  In the case of human subjects it tends to translate, in "talking cures," to rephrasing or reformulating the information that the subject gives you, in order to demonstrate to them that they are succeeding.  For example, if the subject says that they are still depressed because they only got out once this week, you can congratulate them on the fact that they have improved, because the previous week they didn't get out at all.

This has become my way of dealing with depression.  Just get on with it.  Now, that is an easy thing to say, and it's not particularly useful to tell people who are depressed.  I've got 50 years of practice in doing it.  Telling people who haven't got 50 years of practice to get on with it, may not assist them in getting on with it.  You may have to start small.  You may have to start with minor successes.  Going for a walk and just putting one foot in front of the other.  Just getting up in the morning.  Climbing a set of stairs and just putting one foot in front of the other.

When I took my masters degree, I had just been fired.  So I wasn't in a great state of mind.  And I was faced with a huge task of taking multiple courses, more than the normal Masters degree level load, and I didn't know where to start.  I didn't have prerequisites for any of these fields except for education.  So, what I did, as soon as I got the textbooks for the courses I had signed up for, was simply open one and start reading.  This has become part of "getting on with it."  When faced with an enormous task, just start.  Start with anything.  Do anything, as long as you are doing something.  That's starting.  That's getting on with it. 

In another situation of life I was undertaking an exercise regime.  (Don't laugh.  I can exercise when it's absolutely necessary.)  I was doing a lot of climbing of stairs.  However I was also entering a depression at the time and I can well remember, at one point, finding all of this just too futile to carry on with.  I sat down on the stairs and wondered how long it would take to starve to death.  Eventually, of course, I got up, and took one more step up the stairs.  And then another.  And then another.  Just get on with it.  Just keep doing it.  (We'll come back to that.)

One of the aspects of depression is that the whole mess in front of you is just too big to deal with.  Of course, in reality the whole mess in front of you is probably smaller than you think.  But in the midst of depression it looks insurmountable.  Again, it tends to be multiple parts: many tasks that are in front of you that seem to be just too big to deal with.  So, pick one.  Do one.  It doesn't matter which one, just start anything.  Having done something, you have forced yourself to succeed.  That makes it (possibly only very slightly) easier to start the next task.

Getting on with it doesn't necessarily mean getting on with an important task that you are facing.  Sometimes it's getting on with *anything*.  It doesn't matter if what you succeed at is the most important thing in your life right now.  Succeeding at getting out of bed helps you with more important tasks.  Succeeding at going for a walk can help clear your head, help with your physical activity level, possibly give you more energy, and maybe help face something more important.  You don't have to choose the biggest insurmountable challenge facing you.  You can pick anything and just do it.  Get on with it.  Keep doing it.

Don't necessarily take on an enormous task all at once.  Try to break it down.  Small tasks allow you successes.  I am currently losing weight.  (I'll tell you about the intermittent binging diet some other time.)  It doesn't help to note that I am down over 100 lb from my highest weight.  That's not particularly motivating when I'm hungry for a meal *right now*.  It's not even helpful to note that I am down seventy pounds from shortly before Gloria's death, when I look at the fact that I still have another sixty pounds left to lose.  So, I break it down into smaller chunks.  When I am lighter than I have been in this diet, then I allow myself to eat.  It's a success.  It's a reward for a success.

If you feel that you can take on the biggest and most important task facing you right now, then certainly do so.  Just ensure that you feel you really *can* take it on because you don't need yet another failure right now.

A motto, phrase, or mantra may help. One of mine comes from the book "Are You My Mother."  Every time the baby bird fails to find his mother, we are told, "and the baby bird went on."  I sort of modified that for my own purposes (noting my status as a beard [techie] rather than a suit [executive or marketing]), and saying, "and the tubby beard went on."

There's always the old standby, "When You're going through Hell keep going."

Then there was our three-year-old neighbor, who coined the phrase "keep doing it, Wob!"  (This was mostly when I was doing something she found amusing, and wanted it to continue, but we sort of modified it for our own purposes, and, hey, a catchphrase is a catchphrase.)

Butterflies

I did an hour at Deltassist figuring out how the watering system for the front planters worked.  That was *after* I did two and a half hours watering the main garden areas.  My back is killing me.

All that time took it over the lunch break, and a couple of the staff came out to eat lunch in the garden.  One counsellor was asking if I had been gardening long, and I said I had taken it up after my wife died.  To move on, I noted that there was a dragonfly over the garden, and that I had had a butterfly around me most of the time I had been watering.  She decided to go with the newage-y idea that our loved ones come back and visit us as animals or insects.

(She's young.  She'll eventually learn that you don't open a can of worms unless you're really good at worm wrangling ...)

OK, yes, Gloria really liked butterflies.  So I couldn't carry on much of a conversation after that ...

The Scientific Mind: Time and Tide

Annacis Channel was full when I crossed it the other day.  That was about 5:00 p.m.  It was full again this morning when I crossed it on the bus.  That was about 7:30 a.m.  Down here in Ambleside, waiting for the walking group, a good chunk of the beach is showing.  That means the tide is falling, which is reasonable.  (The traveling, almost standing, wave that is the tides is generally about six hours out of phase with the position of the moon.  Therefore the highest tides are in the morning and the evening, rather than at midday and midnight.)  High tide is probably somewhere around 6:00, both a.m. and p.m. the full moon was yesterday, so we are probably having King tides. 

When I crossed it the other day, I noticed that Annacis Channel was full of debris, probably picked up off the shorelines, having been deposited there some other time.  So the king tides are picking up debris that other tides have left behind.

Gloria would have been interested in all of this.  But Gloria is dead.  What is the point of knowing all of this, now?

Beheadings

 It seems I'm down to four gardens again.

The sunflowers are under attack again by something.  Or, in this case, probably someone.  Four of the five surviving plants (out of thirty planted) have been beheaded, or partially beheaded.  The height is consistent, and seems about right for little boys with sticks.  Nothing got eaten.

Given the law of broken windows, this does not bode well for the rest of the garden.  Obviously, the garden needs more observation than I am able, by myself, to do.

The unweeded state may have something to do with it, although it is interesting that this happened the day after I did some major weeding.

Grit blast

Seventeen kilometres today, which isn't bad, considering I didn't think that I'd have an awful lot of time for walking today.  What with a five-hour transit ride for a one hour medical appointment on the North Shore again.  I suppose a half a kilometer of that is down to the stress test.  Also not bad considering I was walking on a broken toe.

I haven't been to Queensborough in a while, so there was a bit of a change.  Even though I'm getting used to the foibles of the Alex Fraser bridge, I'm really starting to get annoyed by the management of the Alex Fraser bridge. To whit, today the west side pedestrian walkway was closed, for some purpose that seemed to involve about fifty feet of the total bridge deck.  Of course, they don't tell you this until you have walked all the way over the overpass to the west side of the bridge, and are then informed that the sidewalk is closed, and you have to walk all the way back over the overpass to the east side of the bridge.  And, of course, cross all of the dozens of little crossings that you have to make across roadways and entrances and exits in order to get across the overpass.

This means, of course, that if you are walking southbound on the Alex Fraser bridge, you have to walk against the northbound oncoming traffic.  Which means you get the full force of the wind blast, and the grit blast, from the oncoming cars and, particularly, trucks.  Up at the midpoint of the bridge the addition of an apparent wind from the south made it seem like I was walking into gale force winds.

The toe really wasn't an issue while I was walking.  Until the last kilometer when it was kind of sore.  Which may have had something to do with the fact that during the second last kilometer of walking home my left foot, which is the one with the broken toe, started to cramp in a weird way.

So, soaking in the tub at the end of it all was *very* soothing ...

Broken toe

I've broken my little toe.  I stubbed it on the filing cabinet, forgot about it, and then didn't realize that I'd broken it until, after a few days, I couldn't figure out why my toe was hurting.  I was wondering if my shoes had a pinch point, or the socks had a wrinkle or an extra thick section of knitting over the toe, or I was getting gangrene. or I did not know what was happening.  And then realized it was broken.

There's nothing to be done about it.  They don't splint or cast broken toes, at least, not little ones.  You just put up with the pain until the toe heals.

Gloria broke her little toe quite frequently.  Usually on the desk in the hallway, even though it had been there for years.  (Neither of us wore slippers: both of us liked bare feet around the house.)  So, if I'm crying while out walking, it's not over the pain in my toe, but because I am remembering Gloria.

Review of Mary Brown's Chicken and Taters

Mary Brown's is a new chicken chain.  It seems to be highly regarded by somebody or other according to the advertising that they are putting out. 

I tried it out.  The store, at least in my location, is basically just a storefront, with a kitchen in the back, and a little bit of space for a few tables out front.  The chain is definitely not going for ambiance.

I ordered a chicken dinner, and got two of the driest pieces of chicken it has ever been my misfortune to eat.  The dinner comes with either french fries or potato wedges, coleslaw, and a canned drink.

The chicken coating is not particularly flavorful.  As a matter of fact, it has hardly any flavour at all.  If KFC's eleven herbs and spices are too spicy for you, you might have an option here (but then Church's already has that covered).  They also have a chicken sandwich which they are heavily pushing and advertising.  It's a chicken sandwich.  It has a coated piece of chicken, a bun, some mayonnaise, and some shreds of lettuce.  That's it.  It's nothing special.

They also do poutine, which is served not so terrifically warm.  They are also pushing Nashville chicken sandwiches and taters, which gives you a honey barbecue sauce on top of the material already mentioned.

Gross

He: I brought twelve dozen.

Me: That's gross.

He: What?

Me: That's what a gross is.  Twelve dozen is a gross.

He: Huh.

She: I didn't know that!

[Sometimes I just feel so alone.  Gloria would have got it.  *Sulla* would have got it  ...]

The Scientific Mind: Sun shadow halo

Someone on Pinterest had been hiking in a mountainous area, and had observed that his shadow, on an opposite hillside, was surrounded by a halo.  He had never observed this before, and, in fact, had never heard of it.  He wondered what caused it.  It's not too difficult to figure out or explain.  When the sun is behind you, and you are facing away from it, and you can see where your shadow is (or should be), against any irregular surface, the planes in that surface that are directly facing you, and therefore perpendicular to the light from the sun, are most brightly illuminated when they are closest to you.  At the same time, some of the planes not as close to perpendicular are going to be more shaded, and those will be more visible, the farther they are from the centre of the shadow.  All together, the area immediately around the shadow is brightest, and the illumination fades the further away (in angular terms) from the centre of the shadow.

This can be observed in many ways.  As noted, in mountainous terrain, when you can see your shadow against an opposite slope.  When you are flying over some forested area, and can see where the shadow of the plane is (or should be).  When you are flying over a cloud bank, and can see where the shadow of the plane is (or would be).  You can even use this effect to figure out where the shadow of your plane should be, if you can't make it out.  Just look for the center of the brightest area.

You can even observe this on a sidewalk.  When you are walking, facing away from the sun, and can see your shadow, note that the area on the sidewalk is brightest immediately around your head, adjacent to your shadow.  The sidewalk, particularly if it is old, isn't a regular surface even if the irregularities are quite small.  So, the surfaces facing you most directly, are most brightly illuminated by the sun, when the sun's rays are closest to your head.

You're welcome.

Volunteer or client?

I'm still not sure what this group is all about.  It's not about diabetes, because even though we all seem to have it, we aren't talking about diet or exercise.

Seemingly it's about isolation, and, particularly, seniors in isolation.  Not getting out.  Having some kind of program to get seniors to get out.

The thing is, are we really resources to develop a program to help seniors in isolation, or are we guinea pigs?  Are we really creating a program to get seniors to get out and meet, or is this a sneaky way to get us seniors to get out and meet other seniors who are all convinced that we are meeting to plan a group to get seniors out and meeting seniors.

(There was a philosopher of the Tang dynasty, who one day dreamed he was a butterfly, and was never sure, thereafter, whether he was not a butterfly, dreaming himself to be a Chinese philosopher.  Envy him, in his two-fold security.)

It's very meta.  And confusing.

However, there is one indication.  If we were clients of the program, they would be giving us coffee.  Since they aren't, I assume we are volunteers.

Potatoes

Gardening day yesterday.  A big morning, and early afternoon, at Deltassist, where a projected two hours turned into three and a half of weeding, watering, harvesting, and planting.  There were also some "volunteer" potatoes, growing from an incomplete clean out from last year, which I was asked to take out of a couple of different beds.  Since there was no place else to put them, it was either chuck them in the compost bin or me take them home to various of my other gardens.  So I did.

I put thirteen, all I had room for, into the church raised beds.  Of course, nobody was at the church on a Monday.  So, in order to water them in at all, I had to carry up water with me.  Between the plants dehydrating in the couple of hours that it took me to walk home, and the lack of water that I was able to carry to the church in order to do a little bit of watering in as I planted them, they now look more like they should be growing potato chips.  However, rain is forecast tomorrow night, and Thursday night, so hopefully they will survive until then.  Once they've had those two bouts of rain they should be okay for a while. 

The remaining five potato plants I put into the community garden.  They're pretty dehydrated too, but at least I was able to use the hose there and give them a bit of a soak.  Hopefully they'll survive.  I also put in a bit more beets.  The broad beans are doing quite well in the community garden, and today, for some reason, the sunflowers have really sprouted!  Mostly producing leaves, but an enormous growth of leaves for one day.

Whatsoever things are pure ...

So, I was addressing the issue of which of the various projects that are blocked or on hold or otherwise not coming to fruition that I should be patiently working on while waiting for something to happen, and she said (essentially, although not in so many words), Philippians 4:8.

Which was a bit of a stopper.

Now, I've known for a long time that God does not care about the field in which most of my professional effort lies.  God does not have a computer.  While God cares about the people who use computers, and while I can hope that my efforts may help people, God doesn't care about technology, as such.  So that's one thing.

But I work, specifically, in information security.  And "whatsoever things are pure" just doesn't play a big role in the field.  Where I started, in malware research, social engineering, in terms of getting people to run or install malware on their systems, makes extensive use of sex and pornography.  (Well, to be specific, for the most part attackers just use promises of sex or pornography, but sometimes they grab various images to seed their traps.)  The discord attacks, mostly aimed at the alt-right, seem to have weird ties to pornography, as well.  And, of course, in other areas of information security, I'm dealing with scammers and fraudsters and liars and people (and attacks) that just aren't very nice.  If not downright evil.

Researching differential privacy, or homomorphic encryption, or security frameworks isn't too dangerous.  But that's pure research, and it doesn't play a huge role in my work.  I don't get a lot of opportunity to do that kind of research or teaching.  Most of the real (and therefore more useful) stuff is a lot messier.

Now, I've dealt with this over the years.  I've come to terms with the fact that most of what I do for work is in a lower rank of importance in the grand scheme of things.  But that was then, and, right now, I'm in a bit of a vulnerable state.  Probably also spiritually vulnerable.  Much more than normal.

I'm a grieving widower.  I've lost my wife, my best friend, my sounding board, my major job grounding me in reality (as much as I ever was in reality), and my main earthly support.  I am still somewhat sleep deprived (although better than I was), so my judgment is still pretty suspect.  I'm damaged, and hurt, and in danger of attaching to inappropriate ideas and groups.  (All of this is bog standard grief stuff.)

Therefore, maybe this is not the best time to concentrate on many of the areas where my professional life would normally lead.  So maybe the work on information warfare, and discord attacks, and other aspects of the societal misbehaviour and pandemic grief stuff is not where I should be concentrating right now.

Which isn't helpful, because that's where the possibilities seem to be.  The grief guys stuff seems like it would be safest, but is pretty much dead in the water because I need some involvement from others, and nobody else seems to be willing to help.  A lot of other areas are the same.

I suppose that the psychological factors of the metaverse might not be *too* dangerous to work on.  Much of it would just be cataloging.  Although I'm pretty sure that pornography will be a huge issue there, and, of course, as soon as anybody starts building something along those lines, the scammers will be rushing in with new attacks ...

Review of "Free Guy"

For the first time since Gloria died, I watched a movie, and enjoyed it.

(I even watched it in real time.  Most of the time I am using the setting on the DVD to play things a third again faster than normal, because I am annoyed by the waste of time.)

(I doubt that this is a breakthrough, because the rest of the week has been pretty bad.)

Yes, the basic premise (multiple premises, in fact) hark back to the original "Tron," as well as to "Ready Player One."  There are some slight reminders of "Groundhog Day."  There is a reference to "Enchanted"'s "true loves first kiss."  (There are also a number of references to Marvel and Disney owned properties that I wonder the lawyers let slip through.)  But, while I doubt that "Free Guy" will become a cult, or any other kind of, classic, it's got a complex, but ultimately satisfying, love story, and a great deal of heart.

First off, as a Canadian, I really like Ryan Reynolds' standard of a nice guy character.  Unfortunately, it seems to you have to make the nice guy a comedy item to get it sold in the movie market (and, generally, mostly for cheap laughs), but it's still, well, nice.  Then to take that, and use it to take on the whole of gamer culture, is ambitious, to say the least.  However, in the context of the movie, it works, and it makes some interesting points that could use some examination, particularly in our rush to the metaverse.

The idea of building points and status by doing good is passed over failure quickly, as is the "non-consequence" of failures.  Reynolds' character is somewhat inconsistent, at one point seeming to feel actual pain having broken someone's arm, but at another, having terminated a player with extreme prejudice, just saying "He's having a nap."

There's tons of CGI, and very little examination of technical issues.  (The discussion of artificial intelligence is minimal at best, and it is assumed to have "just worked.")  Nobody seems to have heard of information security (although there is a nod to "The Cuckoo's Egg," in that the server stats at one point are off by one player), or backups.  And if a lightsaber is so important, why is it so ineffective?

Lots of things don't work particularly well.  I really like "Play Your Own Kind of Music," but I have no idea why it was chosen as background music for that scene or that part of the movie.  The point to be made comes elsewhere.

It's interesting that a "cheap" sci-fi movie and Mandel's lauded "Sea of Tranquility" novel make the same point.  "A life lived in a simulation is still a life," and "Even if we're not real, this *moment* is real," both say the same thing.

This probably is a movie you have to see multiple times, to appreciate.  There is lots of throw-away content that is just thrown away, but that makes it harder to appreciate, the first time, that "Coffee, cream, two sugars" is not just an odd repeated mantra, but a significant clue to what is going on.

However, overall, I liked it.  It's nice, and it's got heart, and, if you allow yourself to think about it, some depth.

Condolences

I didn't know why I was supposed to make an appointment, and she started to talk about being a caregiver.  So I said that, yes, I had been a caregiver for a number of years, but my wife had recently died.  "Oh, good!" she said, "You can be a resource!"

Which makes a bit of a change from, "My condolences."  What "my condolences" really means is "I don't want to talk about it!!!"  In our society, you can talk about sex, drugs, rock and roll, perversions, anything you like.  But you cannot talk about death, or pain, or grief.

Social network failures

I have mentioned that I am trying to rebuild my social circles and networks.  (This has become more urgent with the mention, by a friend, of a potential danger, particularly given my field of work and study, of concentrating on the less desirable aspects of what needs to be addressed in security.  Another friend mentioned that a primary safeguard is having strong social support, and I don't, right now, have any social support, let alone any strength or resilience in it.)  I've also mentioned that my efforts have not been particularly successful.  A few examples.

Churches, in our mobile society, have tried to shortcut the connections that would normally build up over years in a community.  In recent decades, this has mainly been done via "small group" Bible studies, or just small groups.  In a smaller, tighter group, information about each other can be obtained more quickly, and so, the theory goes, everyone in the church will have a fairly tight connection with at least a few people.  Unfortunately, in any congregation at least a half to a third of the congregation will not have been assigned to a small group, and, for those who are, probably a third will not be attending the group, for one reason or another.  In any case, knowing the process, in the churches I have encountered so far, I have been agitating to be placed in such a group.  One church placed me in a group fairly quickly.  Unfortunately, as one church member noted, "how small a group do you want?"  Most of the time this group consists of two of us, and the group leader.  The other person in the group is one who sees the world in very simplistic terms, and is not inclined to examine any issues deeply.

In another church I have been agitating for placement for five months.  That has finally happened.  I was invited--to the year-end wrap-up potluck dinner.  The dinner was nice, but they probably won't be meeting again for at least four months.

The two warring hospice societies in this neck of the woods aren't doing very much in terms of programs for the bereaved.  They are expending their energies on fighting with each other, and the bereaved, in our municipality, are caught in the crossfire of a "no man's land" of non-provision of services.  However, one does have a volunteer "grief companion" program, and I was assigned one.  He is interesting, and, under normal circumstances, would be interesting company.  These are not, of course, normal circumstances, and my needs go slightly beyond being addressed by an uninterested chat with a distant acquaintance.  Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to have paid much attention in the volunteer training program.  If the training mentioned listening, he wasn't listening at that point.  We spend most of our time with him telling me what has been going on in his life.  (It would be interesting, if I were not preoccupied with an issue that seems, to me, to be of greater import and moment.)  The volunteer co-ordinator told me that this was not to be a friendship: this volunteer seems to think that is exactly what is going on.  (He also mentioned taking notes, which I would have thought should have been included under the section "DON'T EVER DO THIS!!!"  However, his notes can't be very extensive or accurate, because he doesn't seem to remember much of anything that I do manage to say.)

(I would be feeling my neck a bit in providing unflattering commentary of people who could easily self-identify.  However, I can take comfort in the fact that none of the agencies of the grief industry that I have encountered so far have taken the slightest steps to do any follow-up, or to obtain feedback on any of the "services" provided.  Despite the fact that my blog is listed in my sigblock, and so goes out with every email message I send, only one person from the grief industry has noted its existence, and it is extremely unlikely that that person, or anyone else, is reading any of these postings with any regularity.)

I have now attended three different grief groups without making any particular contacts.  As noted, the local hospice societies aren't doing much in the way of programs.  I have joined a walking group from the area where I previously lived, and where Gloria died.  However, this involves five hours of transit for one hour of walking.  I have also been dragooned into another group, seemingly for people who live alone, but, again, this involves five hours of transit for an hour of talking.  Another hospice program has a tea (which I refer to as the "alumni tea"), but, again, five hours of transit for one hour of tea.

I'm still trying.  I'm working hard at it.  I'm putting in tons of effort.  So far the "return on investment" has been minimal, to put it in the very best light possible ...

MyRewards

The new McDonald's MyRewards app, and associated MyRewards program, allows you to have special coupons deals or rewards.  Accessing this program is done by QR codes, but the QR codes very often do not work.  The readers on the McDonald's kiosks seem to be pretty much useless in terms of scanning the offers.  The readers at the tills do a much better job. 

The app does allow you to access coupons and rewards at the kiosks, by entering a code.  The code, used both for rewards and for coupons, and for identifying yourself to the system in order to build rewards, are all accomplished using four digit numbers.  This is interesting since it allows 10,000 possible combinations.  I assume that the coupons must be time limited, but, since using the app with the kiosk does involve several delays, one assumes that the time out, must be longer than a minute.  Let's propose five minutes.  In fact let's propose six minutes, since that makes the math a little bit easier. 

Allowing for six minutes means that there are 240 possible periods in a day.  Given the four digit codes, this allows for slightly under two and a half million possible orders per day.  In fact, the total number would be somewhat less than that, since you would not want to use the entire address space, and, in any case, you would not be able to evenly distribute the orders over the entire day.  Some periods of the day would be much busier.  Five in the afternoon would be a much busier time than 3:00 in the morning. So the total number of orders would be much less efficient than the theoretical limit.

Allowing for an incomplete use of the total address space, in order to prevent people simply guessing at login numbers, and allowing for the inefficiencies of random entry of orders, and slower periods of the day, it's unlikely that you would get more than 200,000 orders per day.  This is rather interesting.  It may be that this is spread worldwide, or it may be that the MyRewards program is limited to North America.  Even so it's interesting that the system is limited in this manner to such a small apparent ability to generate orders, given the promotion that the app and the program are being given by McDonald's. 

Of course I assume that the system itself is not hard coded for a four digit number.  The coupon codes may be extended and complicated with letters and numbers in the future to accommodate a much larger address space.

Salesman

He said he owes me lunch because of his mistake.  That means he's got a budget for feeding clients or customers.  That means, despite what it says on his business card, he's actually a salesman.  I know how business works.