Faith from the Garden of Patience?
Patience from the Garden of Faith?
(Is there a difference?)
As you get older, sometimes you mellow out. You realize that many of the things that you thought were important, aren't that important. You take things easier. You don't sweat the small stuff, and you realize, more and more, that it's all small stuff. So, you're more mellow about delays and interruptions. You're more patient.
Then again, as you age, sometimes you realize that you haven't got much time left. The things you want to get done, or get started, or pass along; important things; aren't going to get done, or started, or passed along, if you don't get a move on, and right *NOW*. Any delay may mean that this thing *won't* get done, because you may not be around to do it, if it can't be done immediately. You're less patient.
I was Gloria's caregiver for at least seven years. (Security was almost becoming just a hobby.) So, when she died, I lost my job as well as my best friend. (And my home.) However, almost immediately, a work colleague (I have mentioned, haven't I, that it's turned out to be my work colleagues who have been more helpful than most of my supposed close friends?) said that this was an opportunity to "reinvent" myself. Of course, my immediate reaction was that I didn't *want* the opportunity, thanks, but I also knew what he meant. I could sit around and mope about my loss, or I could get on with it. Whatever "it" was. I've always been in favour of getting on with it. (But we can go into that another time.)
So, I've got new projects. There's the grief guys. But then, that's on pause.
There's the idea of societal misbehaviour (I've got to find a better term for that: it seems so innocuous) and pandemic grief
and another work colleague suggested two new papers that are new developments or outgrowths from that concept. And then, at a conference, someone who who attended my presentation saw it in a completely different way than I did, and wants me to mount a very ambitious project that I didn't think had much chance of going forward. (But a colleague suggested that this might be the right time, so ...) But where am I going to get the time to do all of these projects? And the resources?
As I mentioned, when you lose someone, you lose a lot of "relationship" as well. You lose friends. You lose social contact. You lose social circles. So, I'm trying to rebuild mine. So far without a whole lot of notable success.
I've made two attempts to find a new church. So far *that* hasn't worked out too well. Neither of them, while there are fine people in them, haven't been a home. A third has shown some promise, but some downsides as well. We'll see, but, for now, I can't see that I've been successful at that, either.
Why am I gardening? (No, stick with me; this isn't changing the topic; I'll tie all this together eventually.) As my baby brother says, Mom taught us to hate gardening. And it seems to be emotionally dangerous. And yet I need to do it. And I don't understand that need. (The grief counsellors all say I don't *need* to understand it, but then they are all intuitive, and I'm a guy, and I'm instrumental, and I'm cognitive, and I need to understand.) (Which is also going to tie in.) I've had some minor successes. But more failures. (Although, as I say, even though it's hard to understand why I'm gardening, it's easy to figure out why I'm doing five gardens ...)
And then I had a couple of *REAL* gardening failures!
(And another.)
But maybe the reason that I so desperately need to garden (and that's not the only indication of an emotional need in regard to gardening), is that God is teaching me patience. I *can* be patient. With things I understand. But God seems to be teaching me to be more patient with things I don't understand (which is very hard for me). I don't know why I need to learn patience. After all, I don't have much more time to be patient *with*. (And I wouldn't think I would need to be particularly patient in eternity: that seems kind of a contradiction in terms.) But I guess I have to trust. And have faith.
At this new church, it's liturgical, which isn't exactly new to me, but it's different than most of the churches I've attended. But the first time I attended, a lot of the liturgy really hit close to home. Including the "confession" (of guilt, not faith). That first Sunday it spoke of not having enough faith in God, and doubting. So, maybe my impatience is doubt, and a failure of faith. And, given what I have seen in terms of long term developments in my life, which initially seemed to be failures, I should trust God more in terms of things I do not currently understand. I don't need to understand. I just need to have faith that all things work together for good ... (But we'll cover that another time ...)
The broad beans are doing pretty well in one garden, and at least showing in three more, which, since they were Gloria's favourite, seems a kind of grace. And some of the stuff that I thought had completely failed is actually starting to sprout and grow. (I'm still covering new shoots with clear Tim Horton's cups that I "harvest" on my garbage walks, but I'm even learning how to transplant tomatoes grown from seed.) So maybe the gardens are working to prove to me that just because it doesn't look like it's working out at first, doesn't mean God can't make it work in the end ...
Of course, that still doesn't make it any easier to figure out *which* of these projects I am supposed to be patient and persistent about ...
(Or, maybe I'm reading *way* too much into some random events, and going off the theological deep end ...)
No comments:
Post a Comment