The dangers of gardening?

So, we were discussing gardening, and my baby brother (who is into gardening in a *real* big way, and helping me out), out of the blue, asked why I was so interested in it all of a sudden.  It's a very valid question.  Mom made sure that all of us got heartily sick of gardening, particularly vegetable gardening, while we were kids.  (I carried the bulk of the forced labour that was involved, but pretty much all of us faced the demands.)  And it's not as if I ever had any pretensions to a green thumb: both Gloria and I had thumbs that were not so much brown as jet black.  We managed to kill pretty much every plant that anyone ever gave us, except for the Christmas Rose (and *it's* not looking too well).

And on the way to church, it was sunny, and I was trying out the gratitude thing, and thanking God that it was sunny, and a nice day, and mentioning that it might be nice if some of my plants would show just a *little* bit of interest in sprouting, and all of a sudden I was crying.  Over my non-garden.  So I'm obviously not just interested in gardening, but heavily emotionally invested in it even before I've had any indication that it'll work in any way.

L came across something that suggested that you think of yourself, in terms of emotions, as a pond.  The emotions are little fish that swim around in the pond.  You are the pond.  You are not the fish.  I get the theory, and the concepts, but, in my experience, emotions are not so much fish as sharks, that are going to tear a chunk out of you if you don't keep them fairly seriously in check.

Anyway, gardening has gone from being a harmless hobby and diversion to yet another emotional minefield.  I don't know why I'm trying to garden, and I don't know why I'm so emotionally connected to the idea.  There are, of course, plenty of possible hypotheses as to why.  Gloria died, so it makes some kind of twisted sense that I'd be trying to make something live and grow.  My financial situation is less stable, so growing a vegetable garden provides a kind of support to keep myself fed.  (Ceterum censeo Poutine, and his invasion of Ukraine, delendum esse.)  Still, I've got plenty of experience that says that it won't work, so I'm rather mystified as to why I'm so interested in trying once again.  And what happens if nothing comes up?