Grief cleanse

In "Unlocking the Mystery of Grief," Cam Taylor suggests the "grief cleanse," a specialized form of grief journalling, that he credits to Christina Rasmussen.  This is a seven-step process repeated over seven days, mostly asking, "Grief, will you come out and speak to me?":

Step one - ask, Grief, will you come out and speak to me?

Step two - gauge your resistance 

Step three - why should I do this?

Step four - ask grief will you come out and speak to me question again, write answer

Step five - what did I find surprising

Step six - grief will you come out and speak to me?

Step seven - is there anything God wants to say to me?

So, I've done it.

Rasmussen/Taylor "Grief Cleanse" - Day one

Step one - ask, Grief, will you come out and speak to me?

Step two - gauge your resistance

 - no particular resistance or expectations, possibly 4/10

Step three - why should I do this?

 - let no one say that I am unwilling to try any unverified and unsupported suggestion that anybody makes to me about my grief and/or psyche.

Step four - ask grief will you come out and speak to me question again, write answer

 - crying

Step five - what did I find surprising

 - unsurprising

Step six - grief will you come out and speak to me?

 - no response

Step seven - is there anything God wants to say to me?

 - unsurprisingly, no response

"Grief Cleanse" - Day 2

Step one - ask, Grief, will you come out and speak to me?

Step two - gauge your resistance

 - 2/10

Step three - why should I do this?

 - recover anything I've forgotten or missed?

Step four - ask grief will you come out and speak to me question again, write answer

 - no response

Step five - what did I find surprising

 - how quickly resistance is fading

Step six - grief will you come out and speak to me?

 - no response

Step seven - is there anything God wants to say to me?

 - apparently not

Day 3

Step two - gauge your resistance

 - 1/10

Step three - why should I do this?

 - (so far not much point?  Simply completing task?)

Step four - ask grief will you come out and speak to me question again, write answer

 - note random moments in Hallmark movies trigger grief bursts?

Step five - what did I find surprising

 - low expectations, but surprisingly little benefit/insight so far

Day 4

 - no reponse

Day 5

Step three - why should I do this?

 - sheer desperation?

Day 6

 - no reponse

Day 7

see above

Grief topics: https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2025/06/grief-table-of-contents-and-resources.html

Review of "Unlocking the Mystery of Grief" by Cam Taylor

Taylor does, albeit very briefly, touch on the standard advice about grief: accept your grief rather than fighting it, think about your grief and your feelings, get enough rest, eat a proper diet, get some exercise, engage in activities, find a purpose.  He also suggests grief journalling, in a number of ways: poetry, the standard dairy-like journal, and grief writing prompts.  There is one additional format that he credits to Christina Rasmussen; the "grief cleanse"; a seven-step process repeated over seven days, mostly asking, "Grief, will you come out and speak to me?"

However, one aspect of the grieving process crops up over, and over, and over, and over again in the book: tell your story to empathetic listeners.  I am very glad that Taylor had people who were willing to listen to his story of grief sufficiently to get him through the grieving process.  I hope that everyone who goes through grief has his same good fortune.

Review of "Patience"

The British generally do police/detective TV series better than the Americans, generally with more creativity and less firepower.

"Patience" is an interesting addition to the genre, although it is not completely original.  It is obviously based on the French and Belgian series "Astrid et Raphaelle."  In both series a (female) police detective specializing in murders is assisted by a (female) criminal records archivist--who is also autistic.  As in most ensemble cast relational series, the relations between the characters are an important component of the series.  In the case of these two series, the relations between the characters is both complicated and enriched by the ongoing development of understanding between neurodivergent and neurotypical characters, and the budding perception of differing perceptions of what a relationship may be.  (How far this can be developed in a TV series is still open to question.)

The British series ("Patience") is much less consistent (although also less stereotypical) in terms of the representation of autism or Asperger's spectrum.  It also extends the exploration by having the detective be mother to a son who may also be on the spectrum.

Distracted Driving

So, we (Community Policing) are doing a distracted driving check.  We're at a light-controlled intersection.  The light's red, and the passenger is chatting with us (so that's a positive), and it's a nice, sunny day, and it's a nice chat.

And his Significant Other (who is in the driver's seat), pulls a Big Mac out of nowhere, and takes a huge bite.

I mean, you have to use two hands on a Big Mac, even if you are at a table!

So she's got both hands on the burger, and doesn't have a spare one for the wheel, and isn't looking at the road, because she's making sure the shredded lettuce and goop isn't falling into her lap.  And the light goes green, and they move off.

And I'm thinking, who's driving the car? ...

VM - G - 2.03 - governance - policy breaking policy

Having made the point that you should never create a policy that your volunteers are going to be forced to break, I should immediately note that sometimes policy has to be broken.  You cannot think of all possible situations, and all possible conflicts, when creating a policy.  Your policy is never going to be perfect.  Therefore, there are always going to be situations where the policy has to be broken.

Therefore, one of the things that you should always do is to have a policy breaking policy.  What is it that your people are to do when the policy, for whatever reason, cannot be followed?  As far as possible, this policy should give guidance as to what kinds of occurrences or situations would justify not following a policy.  However, since you cannot foresee all possible situations (and if you can foresee them, you can probably craft your policy in such a way as to avoid those situations), this probably isn't going to be terribly effective.  Possibly the best that you are able to achieve in this regard is to address, or list, principles which might justify the fact that a policy cannot be followed.

More importantly, your policy should, particularly, address who is allowed to make the call that a policy is not to be followed.  Are all the volunteers allowed to make this call?  Are only shift leaders allowed to make this call?  *Are* shift leaders allowed to make this call?  How far up the organizational food chain do we have to go before we reach someone who is allowed to make the call that, in this particular situation, the policy is not to be followed?

In pretty much all cases where a policy cannot be followed, or must be broken, a written report, with justification, should be provided.  Your policy might contain a form, giving details of the situation, the policy that could not be followed, the person making the call, and additional details of date, time, location, and those involved in the situation, both within and outside the volunteer organization.  You may create a form for this purpose, or simply write into the policy the details to be included in any such report, and to whom the report is to be submitted, and copied.

These reports should be reviewed, and as a priority.  The first point to note is whether this situation is likely to recur, and whether your policy has created a situation where the policy must, frequently, be broken.  If so, the policy needs to be amended as quickly as possible.  Once again, ensure that you do not have an active policy which requires that your volunteers are regularly in a situation where a policy cannot be followed.

In some cases the situation might be rare enough that an amendment to the policy is not necessary or justified.  This is possible, but be careful, and deciding this, that you are not simply taking the easy way out.  As noted, no policy is never going to be absolutely perfect, and there are going to be some situations that you simply can't address.  However, ensure that this is truly a rare situation, and that it cannot be addressed by some amendment of the policy.

Volunteer management - VM - 0.00 - introduction and table of contents

https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2025/05/volunteer-management-vm-000.html

Persistence of Learned Behaviour Following Extinction of Reinforcement Cues

So, on 10th Avenue, just south of the dip (or the mound, if you are a true original Port Albernian) Dunbar crosses 10th.  Dunbar crosses 10th at a slight angle, but there really isn't anything impairing anyone's vision as they approach the intersection.  Up until about a month ago, there were two left turn lanes for those at the intersection, for those who were turning left, either east or west, on to Dunbar.

The intersection of 10th and Dunbar is one of the proofs that Port Alberni drivers are the worst drivers in the entire world, and possibly an explanation of why.  Yes, the intersection is on a bit of a hill.  Yes, the intersection of the streets is not exactly perpendicular.  But, as noted, there is pretty much nothing to distract you, and no obstructions of the sight lines around the intersection.  And yet drivers keep killing people at 10th and Dunbar.

So, about a month ago, they took out the left turn lanes, and built a median barricade down the middle of the street, in order to prevent people from turning left onto Dunbar from 10th, in either direction.

As I mentioned, previously there were left turn Lanes at the intersection.  So, if you weren't turning at the intersection, but continuing straight on 10th Avenue, in either direction, you had to swing to the right as you drove through the intersection.  But, as mentioned, now they have taken away the left turn lanes, and so you no longer need to swing to the right as you go through the intersection.

But, of course, the reason that Port Alberni drivers are the worst drivers in the entire world is that they pay absolutely no attention to the situation around them.  Including the road, and any huge changes in traffic patterns that may have been built, and signposted.  So, as I was driving up 10th a few days ago, I noticed that a car, ahead of me, as it drove through the intersection at 10th and Dunbar, swung out to the right.  Even though the road was completely clear, and there is no longer any reason to.

I suppose it's no wonder that Port Alberni drivers don't pay any attention to the road, or the cars, or to people on the road, or to any other aspect of the situation around them when they are driving.  Port Alberni drivers don't seem to drive by visual cues, but by muscle memory.

GriefGrads

I am a grieving widower, of three and a half years standing.  I have been through both individual and group grief counseling.  I am looking for some type of, if not exactly peer support, at least sharing of shared misery.

Having been something of a researcher all my life, when my wife died I started researching grief.  I have researched, and developed some resources, on topics such as men's grief, grief scams (I am also, by profession, an information security specialist), grief bots, and a variety of other topics.  I am currently working with a hospice society producing a podcast which we call "A Good Death."  Various articles on different topics of grief can be found at https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2025/06/grief-table-of-contents-and-resources.html.

Grief (peer) support groups are composed of people who, by definition, understand bereavement.   Unfortunately, most grief support groups seem to end when the formal group curriculum ends.  One of the hospice societies with which I had some connection had a Saturday tea, which anyone who had taken either individual counseling, or group grief support, through that hospice society was allowed to attend.  (I referred to it as the Grief Alumni Tea.)  There were people from different grief support groups, and some who had just had individual counseling, but all were bereaved, and all were able to provide support, and insight, to each other.  (Unfortunately, I moved away from that area, and into an area where the population doesn't seem to support group meetings that don't involve beer.)

I figured that there must be a lot of places where the population won't really support a face-to-face drop-in situation for informal grief support.  So, I have been attempting to find such, online, so far without success.  Such groups seem to be extremely rare.  So, being not exactly an expert in grief, but having researched it a bit, and being professionally an expert in computer communications, I'm trying to get something started, under the title of GriefGrads.

I would appreciate help from anyone who feels that they would like to participate.  But I would like to make it clear that I am not interested in starting yet another business in the grief industry.  For those in the grief industry, if you find this might be interesting or useful to some of those with whom you have contact, I would appreciate any kind of publicity that you feel able to offer.  If you run something similar and charge for it, I completely understand if you do not wish to publicize this type of free activity.  Those in the grief industry who are looking to advertise their own services or shill for clients are cordially invited not to attend.  If you are, in fact, bereaved, and are willing to talk about your own grief, and help those who participate, I welcome your feedback and participation.

As one of the Internet dinosaurs (I was on the Internet before it was *called* the Internet), I am initially interested in running a group over email.  I realize that many people see this as a kind of a privacy concern.  I have two responses to this concern, first that the identification of those participating in GriefGrads with an email address is a realistic privacy concern, but that the identification of scamming participants with particular email addresses seems to me to outweigh the concerns about participant privacy.  In addition, I know that social media platforms are far less anonymous that many people seem to think.  However, I am willing to consider social media platforms, as well.  Since the girls require me to be on WhatsApp, I would consider this as a kind of a second step in providing a GriefGrads platform.  It provides for easy chat functions (once somebody is on the system), and can also provide for small video conferencing meetings.  I am willing to consider additional social media platforms, with the proviso that I want to make this as accessible to people as possible.  I would consider virtual meetings with video conferencing, such as Google Meet, although I do want to keep the GriefGrads available as a free offering, and the free offerings on the various virtual meeting platforms are generally limited to short meeting times.

For those wishing to participate, you can contact me at rslade@gmail.com

For those who might be concerned that this is a scam, or simply want to check me out, you can start at 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Slade

or 

http://shouldersofinfosec.pbworks.com/w/page/146046189/Rob%20Slade%20-%20%28Slade%2C%20Robert%29

or 

http://fibrecookery.blogspot.com 

If you want to check me out even *further* on social media, you can start with the accounts listed at https://www.blogger.com/profile/00652675651093388424