This has become a general catch-all file for ideas about the "Grief Guys" project and possibilities, so I think I need to post it in order to ensure that all the bits have at least some kind of home.
Instrumental and intuitive grieving
Grief Guys is not just about guys. Although there is a gender-related preference that seems to occur, it has more to do with a personality type, and women can be on the instrumental end of the scale. Which brings up another point: it is not a dichotomy between intuitive and instrumental grieving, but rather a continuum.
Recently, some counsellors have begun to propose a type of counselling based on Stoic philosophy, rather than the more traditional recounting of feelings. While this is similar to, and might help with those on, the instrumental end of the continuum, it misses the point: while some may grieve in a more instrumental style, and some might grieve in a more intuitive style, everybody does both, just with a different emphasis and balance.
Intuitive processing of grief, which is more traditional in the grief industry, concentrates on feelings, talking about your feelings, and remembering the past (often talking about the deceased). Instrumental processing of grief concentrates on cognitive activities (often learning), projects and activities, and planning for the future.
The idea of "grief work" seems to be fixated and limited to the concept that grief work is primarily (and often *only*) dealing with emotions. But Mary-Frances O'Connor's idea of grieving, as expressed in "The Grieving Brain," seems to point to a need for cognitive "grief work," possibly related to learning or relearning, and therefore an instrumental type of grief work, as not quite distinct but possibly adjunct to the idea of affective grief work as seems to be universal in the grief industry.
The Grief Guys idea is an experiment and exploration of how to incorporate both styles of grieving, and both types of grief work, into a program to address a wider range of needs for all bereaved. Hopefully we will learn enough about these factors from this project to augment existing counselling programs, and render the Grief Guys program unnecessary.
I think that it would be a good idea to divide the two-hour meeting into two parts.
The grief groups tend to divide into two parts anyways, with a break for coffee in the middle, but for the grief guys group, this would be a bit more structured. The first hour would be project type work. This would give the feeling of activity, and it would give the guys in the group a bit more of a comfort level, when, after the midpoint break, it moves into the second part, which is more of the Kumbaya stuff. At that point, having already worked with the group on a bit of project stuff, the guys in the group might be more willing to discuss the aspects of grief, and their feelings, and their need for help.
To give more of an idea of "work" and activity, I think it would be important to set up the group meetings in a room with tables, rather than just the circle of chairs for the current groups. This allows for taking notes, etc, and provides more of a "work" impression, which is probably important.
Projects, in a number of aspects, would be suggested by the guys in the group. An initial, seeder, project would be the formation of a death list, or a series of death lists: a list of things to do in preparation for an upcoming death to do or to check, a list of things to do immediately following a death, and a list of things to do immediately following a death specifically for men. (There are such lists, of course, and we could use them as an initial basis, and starting point, but, from my own experience, I would say that there is a lot of work to be done on such lists.)
Grief Guys group guidelines
Each person's grief, and style of grieving, is unique. There are probably many common aspects or symptoms of grief that you will share with others, but there is no predictable pattern or timetable.
Grief is not a disease, it is a consequence of having loved.
You may talk about your grief, if you wish. If someone wishes to talk about their grief, please listen, respectfully. Actively, if you are able. (If you are talking about your grief, remember that others may wish to, as well.) It is probably easier and more appropriate to talk about your grief in the second half of the meetings.
It may be that you do *NOT* wish to talk about your grief. That is OK, too.
You've had lots of friends giving you "advice" over your grief, and it's probably bugged you. Remember that when you offer advice within the group.
This is particularly true is someone is talking about their grief. Guys tend to want to "fix" things. It is not likely that grief can be "fixed." You probably want to help, and fix the grief, and give advice, and you may feel uncomfortable if you can't. But please think twice, or even several times, before you offer advice about someone else's grief.
What is shared in the group, stays in the group. Please respect the confidences that are shared here.
This is currently a "drop-in" style group. Do not expect everyone to have attended, and listened to, everything. However, if you are going to come, please respect other's time, and be on time.
When working on projects, think of what *can* be done, before we get into what *can't* be done.
Grief Guys group guidelines
Confidentiality Don't criticize either feelings or style
Listen when others talking Talk, or don't talk
Mute cell if possible
Session 1 (introduction)
(repeat for session 2, possibly intermittently thereafter)
Part 1
Intuitive
- feeling, emotion
- talking about feelings
- remembering the past or the deceased
Instrumental
- thinking, learning
- working
- planning for the future
Everybody has both styles, but the "balance" varies. Men *tend* to be more instrumental, and women *tend* to be more intuitive, but there is no dichotomy. *Everybody* is on a continuum between both styles.
"Grief work" may be talking about feelings. It may be working on projects. It is probably a bit of both.
This project is experimental. It attempts to provide both styles of "grief work." If you can let us know how well this is working for you, that will help us, and will help more bereaved people in the future.
Grief Guys group guidelines
Confidentiality Don't criticize either feelings or style
Listen when others talking Talk, or don't talk
Mute cell if possible
This program will be two-hour meetings divided into two parts, with a break for coffee in the middle. The first hour will be project type work, mostly related to what we can do to help others. After the break, it moves into the second part, which is more of what you might have expected from a bereavement group.
Projects, in a number of aspects, will be suggested by those attending the group. An initial project could be the formation of a death list, or a series of death lists: a list of things to do in preparation for an upcoming death to do or to check, a list of things to do immediately following a death, and a list of things to do immediately following a death, especially for men. (There are such lists, of course, and we could use them as an initial basis, and starting point.)
Initial projects:
- planning tool/checklist for the recently bereaved
- what did *you* wish you had known when your loved one died?
- list/description of other projects
- list of activities that "grief guys" can do for other bereaved
Guidelines
Part 2
Grief - consequence of having loved
O'Connor
grief - reaction to loss
grieving - relearning/rebuilding new "mind map" of world without loved one
Commonly experience:
- sleep disturbance
- anger
- intense loneliness
- "bereavement brain"/brain fog
- depression
- nobody understands
- friends have abandoned you
- guilt/regret
Emotions may be strong (or absent), you may feel that you are crazy
- you aren't: everybody feels this way
- you are: but so is everyone who is bereaved
If there is a "right" way to grieve, we haven't found it yet.
Questions for attendees at end of session:
Do you want more information about grief? Is this too little?
Do you want readings about emotions or feelings?
Would you like a bibliography of books/Web pages to read about grief?
https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2022/12/grief-bibliography.html
https://www.instagram.com/notsorryforyourloss/
https://www.instagram.com/optionb/
https://www.instagram.com/empowered_through_grief/
https://www.instagram.com/the_grief_project/
https://www.instagram.com/johndelony/
https://twitter.com/CPAmom6
https://twitter.com/CPAmom6/status/1613017459879202816
https://twitter.com/WhatsYourGrief
Session 2 (review, recap, extract)
(repeat some for session 3)
Part 1
Query for subsequent feelings about first session?
- did anything from the first session particularly help during the past week?
Assess group for new attendees, recap introduction?
Review project work from previous session
Further project work
Part 2
How was your week?
Primary loss
Secondary losses
- finance
- status
- confidence/security
- plans/schedule
- friends
Self-care activities
- support system?
- something you enjoy?
- can you enjoy anything?
(Katja: Self-care assessment sheet? Compassionate Self-Care sheet? Creating a support system sheet?)
Journalling/writing
- helps clarify/focus feelings
Questions for attendees at end of session:
Do you want more information about grief? Is this too little?
Homework: creating a support system sheet
Session 3 ( )
(repeats? )
Part 1
Query for subsequent feelings about second session?
- did anything from the first or second session particularly help during the past week?
Assess group for new attendees, recap introduction, session 2?
Review project work from previous session
Further project work
Part 2
How was your week?
Depression
- learned helplessness
- keep going
- take one more step
- when going through hell, keep going
- "heroism consists in hanging on one second longer"
- volunteer
- do something new
- exercise, health
- walking
(Katja: PHQ-9?)
Family
- How is the rest of your family handling things?
- grieving, too?
- supportive?
- obtructive?
Session 4 ( )
(repeats? )
Part 1
Query for subsequent feelings about third session?
- did anything from the prior sessions particularly help during the past week?
Assess group for new attendees, recap?
Review project work from previous session
Further project work
Part 2
How was your week?
Anniversaries, holidays, and other triggers
- how do you experience this? is it a problem?
- strategies for triggering situations?
Rebuilding, re-inventing, building a new life
- schizoid/quantum life
- I am, at the same time, both [married, taking care of Gloria, discussing everything with Gloria, living in North Vancouver] and, at the same time [Gloria is dead, I am alone, bereaved, lonely, and in the wrong city]. I am in a quantum state of marriage. I am in a quantum state of life. My life, my old life, my original life, is over. But I am still alive.
Resources
https://www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/life-events/death/after-death
Literature search:
https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/exc_0816.shtml
stoicism and "instrumental" expression of grief
"working through" allows the bereaved to adapt to the world in the absence of their loved one while maximizing social support networks and reinvesting in other relationships and meaningful activities
https://mygriefandloss.org/continuum-of-grief
intuitive vs instrumental grief, dissonant grief
https://www.psychotherapy.net/interview/grief-counseling-doka
interview with Kenneth Doka, styles of grieving
I would like to thank Pascale, who, of all the grief counsellors (professional, individual, group, volunteer, or amateur) that I encountered in my own grief "journey," was the most professional and helpful, and whose words of encouragement, and direct assistance (at a time when my energy was at low ebb and this idea could very well have died) provided the impetus to continue and develop the project.
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