Gloria, in some social event that we were attending, would frequently ask me, "Don't you *feel* it?" "It" would be some tension in the room. The answer, on my part, would always be, "No."
I don't know that I am less socially aware than other guys, or if guys are just less socially aware than women are. I do know that I have, over the course of my life, had to enter, for the first time, into an awful lot of new situations. My career history is not so much chequered as plaid, so I've had to walk into an awful lot of new job situations. I've had, as mentioned previously, lots of experience in walking into new churches. I've always done a lot of volunteer work, so, as I've lost access to one group, I've had to find another. I'm well used to being the new guy. Maybe I've just trained myself to ignore any socail tensions. (In this regard, I find it helps to keep in mind a corollary of Hanlon's Razor. Hanlon's Razor states that you should never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. By extension, in social situations, never attribute to unfriendliness or antipathy that which can be adequately explained by social clumsiness on the part of the incumbents.) Or, maybe I am just much more socially unaware than most people. I don't know.
What I *do* know is that, in order to make me feel unwelcome, you've really got to work at it. Well, they obviously worked at it.
This was the second time that I attended. I didn't feel all that welcome the first time, but, as I say, I'm used to being the new guy. I figured that I didn't know them, and they didn't know me, and how were they supposed to welcome me when they didn't know me? The first few times are usually pretty awkward.
But the second time was beyond awkward. They really had to work at it. And they did. Like I say, in order to make me feel unwelcome, socially unaware as I am, you've got to be pretty blatant. And they were. They didn't quite say, outright, that I was to leave and never come back, but it was the next best thing to it.
First off, as I tried to find a place to sit, it was pretty clear that every chair I sat in was reserved for someone else. I was displacing someone wherever I sat, even though there were, in fact, extra spaces to sit.
Then it was made pretty clear that they considered me an outsider, and a drop-in, and not part of the group, and that they were making *extreme* accommodations to "welcome" me into the group.
I'm not entirely familiar with their forms of worship, although I do know about them. I'm familiar with lots of forms. I've sat through a three-hour sermon in a "Black" church in the US and enjoyed it, and been through a Society of Friends meeting without panicking, and that's different enough to freak out just about anyone I know. So I didn't object, of course, but I didn't participate, either, because I don't know enough about the form to get it right. However, it wasn't enough to make it clear that non-participation was not appreciated during the worship itself. No, during the later Bible study, someone had to make the point that they *knew* that their worship style was weird, and that that they were going to do it anyway, regardless of what other people thought, and *everyone* in the group enthusiastically (and pointedly) agreed.
But the capper was when I asked for their help. This particular group is in a unique leadership position in their church community, and their church community has already committed to a project in which I am involved. So I noted their leadership, and asked for their prayers, and ideas, about this project which, as I mentioned, is already accepted by their church. And not only was my request completely ignored, but they went on to note how much better was a related program, which is not only not currently running, but which they, in fact, have no one qualified to run.
I *can* take a hint. When driven home by a sledgehammer. I will not be back.
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