Listening (part 2)

Some more on listening. 

One of the ways to learn how to listen, is to teach.  Oh, you find that surprising?  Do you think that a teacher just talks, and doesn't need to listen?  Nonsense.  If you are teaching, you have to keep on checking.  You have to keep on checking, to see if people understand.  And, since nobody in a class wants to be the idiot who doesn't understand, most people in a class aren't going to ask questions, even if there's something they don't understand.

You have to listen, really listen, if they do ask a question.  You've got to listen to the question, and then you've got the parse the question that they ask.  Or, particularly if they don't ask a question, you've got the parse any comments that they make.

You can't just answer the question that they have asked.  You have to think about that question.  Does it result from a simple factual misunderstanding, or ignorance?  Or does it result from a more profound misunderstanding of what you are talking about?  Is it just a missing fact that has prompted this question, or are they completely on the wrong track?  You've got to figure that out.  And to figure that out you really got to listen.

And you really have to listen if they make a comment.  Don't think of this comment as just an ignorant contribution, made by somebody who knows less about this than you do.  Of course they know less about this than you do.  Otherwise why are you the instructor and they are in the audience?  You have to listen to their comments, and critically analyze it.  Is this comment correct?  More to the point, is this comment just a restatement of something that you have already covered?  There's two possible problems if it is: the first is that the commenter is wasting the class's time, the second is, are they really certain that they've got the material?

If they are just restating what you have just said, to affirm, to themselves, that that was what you said, you need to confirm, and affirm, that that point is correct.  You need to affirm it for them, but you also need to affirm it for some of the rest of the class, who may be having the same difficulty.  You also have to think, and make note, that you may have to rework how you are presenting the material for this particular topic or issue.  If this person is having a problem, then maybe others are having the same problem.  And maybe that's your fault.

So you have to listen, not only to the comment that is being made, but to their body language as you affirm it, possibly restate it, and, if it was a question, answer the question.  Are they comfortable with your answer, or are they just as confused as they were before?

Remember the old cliche: you have one mouth and two ears.  When you are teaching, you do more listening than talking.  At least, you do if you are in any way a competent teacher.  You have to listen.  You have to listen all the time.  You have to listen to the nonverbal stuff.  You have to listen to facial expressions.  You have to listen to body language.  Maybe the facial expression is telling you that they are confused.  Then you've got work to do.  Maybe the body language tells you that they have given up and tuned out.  Then you've *really* got work to do.  You have lost that audience member.  And it is much harder to get that person back than it was to get them there in the first place.  So you should have been listening earlier, when their facial expression indicated that they were confused.  By now, they are not only confused, but have concluded that you do not know what you were talking about, and, therefore, there is no point in them listening to you.  You've got a heck of a lot of work to do at that point.  And if one person is sitting in the front with their arms crossed (and maybe their ankles crossed too: then you're *really* in trouble), then there are probably other people, in rows further back, who aren't giving you that feedback, but have given up, and you've lost them, too.

So, listen.  Listen all the time.  And you cannot listen when you are talking.  It's a physiological fact.  When you're thinking about what you're saying you are not listening.  When you are speaking, you are drowning out anything that your ears can hear.  When you are thinking about what you are going to say next, you cannot process an interpret any indications from them.  So, stop talking.

You need to stop talking, and look around the room, and assess how it's going, on a regular basis.  You've got to ask if there are any questions.  That probably won't prompt them to ask questions, but it does give you a few seconds of time (and, some time, count them off to yourself.  Count off ten seconds, before you speak again.  It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?  But, believe me, they will hardly notice.)  Listen to the body language.  Listen to the facial expressions.  Of course, they are not making any noise.  You are not actually listening with your ears.  But, take that time, and assess the feedback that they are giving you.  Because they are giving you feedback.  And you need that feedback.

Okay, now that we have covered that in a teaching situation, let's think about it in terms of a normal conversation.  Or an *ab*normal conversation, when you think you are helping or counselling someone.  Same cliche: you've got one mouth and two ears.  In fact, that cliche is even more important now.  You are not the teacher.  You do not have a mandated, and, generally, agreed upon, right to speak more than the other person.  In fact, it's entirely possible, that you shouldn't say anything at all.  It might be preferable for you not to say anything at all.  The only thing you need to say, is something that proves that you have heard, and understood, what they have been saying, if they start getting uncomfortable with the fact that you're not saying anything.  (Particularly if they already know that you are the type of person who talks too much.  And we all talk too much.)

So, listen.  Listen as if your life depended on it.  Listen as if *their* life depended on it!  It may very well do so.  Remember all those people, related to, or friends with, someone who committed suicide?  And they all say the same thing: if only there had been some indication!  If only I had known that they felt that way!  Well, have you asked them?  I mean, you can't just flat out ask them are you going to commit suicide.  I'm pretty sure they're going to say no to that.  But ask them how they are.  If they say fine, ask them how they *really* are.  Ask how their day has been so far.  In detail.  And don't be afraid to not talk, when they stop talking.  Silence is very powerful.  Silence is painful, and we are all afraid of it.  So if there is a sudden silence in the conversation, and you don't rush into fill it, they may start talking again.  And this time, they might tell you something interesting.

You have to really listen.  As I've noted before, most of us just listen until we find something that we can say, the next time they stop talking.  And then we stop listening, because it's absolutely vital, for us (not for them), that we remember what we needed to say.

First off, that's insulting.  They already know what they are telling you.  They have already thought about it.  For more than a split second.  If you think that in the split second since they said it, you have come up with some absolutely fantastic insight into their character, personality, and process of depression or grieving or whatever the problem is, you think they're stupid.  And they're not stupid.  Whatever you think you're going to say, they probably already thought of it.  What you are going to say is probably a cliche anyway.

Okay, let's assume it's not a cliche.  Let's assume it actually is important.  And let's assume that it's important enough that you need to tell it to them.  You don't need to talk to them *right now*.  At the beginning of the conversation, ask if you can have a pad and a pencil with you.  Say that they can have whatever you write down while this conversation is going on, at the end of the conversation.  And, when you come up with some blinding insight, that you were smart enough to figure out, and they were too stupid to, you write down a couple of words to remind you of that vital truth.  A vital truth is not going to take more than a couple of words.  And then keep listening.  Because what they are saying is more important than anything you are thinking.  They are the person in pain.  They know the symptoms.  They know the causes.  They know what has been happening in their life.  In detail.  You don't.  Part of what's going on here, with them talking and you listening, is that they are, themselves, clarifying and formulating what they have been feeling.  It is more important that they do this, than that they listen to cliches from you.  Cliches from you are just going to interrupt their train of thought.  You are going to be scrambling, what they need to clarify.