Joy

As I have said elsewhere (or, as I have written elsewhere, but possibly not posted yet), our homework from grief group this week is to figure out what does, or will, bring us joy.  As noted, this is difficult for me

I'm working on it.  Its possibly going to be a difficult weekend to do this particular piece of homework, because it's Remembrance Day.  This year Remembrance Day falls on a Friday, so that makes it a long weekend.  It's also that weekends have generally been a problem.  Sunday is a particular problem, but weekends in general tend to have fewer activities.  Fewer activities means I don't have a specific reason to get out, and therefore it's sometimes more difficult, just sitting home alone, in the silence.

Remembrance Day used to be of a bit of a big deal, with Gloria.  For twenty-five years, Gloria was the featured soloist at a Remembrance Day service in a particular old folks home.  So, we had some place to go for a Remembrance Day service.  And it was quite meaningful.  We got to know the old veterans, and it was quite touching to have confirmation of what we were losing, as the last First World War veteran died, and then the last Second World War veteran died, and then the last Korean War veteran died.  It made Remembrance Day that much more significant.  Even after the ones who had participated in the wars died, simply the fact that we had known them, and they were now lost to us, made the day, and the ceremony, much more significant.

But that was then.  And this is now, without Gloria.  Remembrance Day is still meaningful for me, but I can't seem to find motivation to participate in any of the services.

So, this weekend is just a long weekend.  And a long weekend is just lonelier.

On the other hand, a weekend, particularly one without too many requirements, gives me an opportunity to get some work done.  There is writing to be done, and research to be explored.  There is unpacking still to do.  There is still some cleanup and organization to do, which I have not been able to do while I've been fighting with the utilities.  So, it's not as if I don't have anything to do.  It's just that all of it is stuff that you do by yourself.

And there still isn't any joy.  I mean, I *could* find joy in bingeing out, but that would kind of wreck the diet, as ridiculous as it is.  It's hard to find joy in bingeing, when the whole time you are stuffing yourself you are also thinking, "I'm going to be paying for this for the next few weeks." Oh, joy.  I suppose having a long weekend, with little to do, does provide more of an opportunity for a long soak in a hot tub, which various events have often prevented, in recent weeks.  (People *will* plan events for evenings.  I have no idea why ...)

I went to the Remembrance Day service today, more to remember Gloria than the actual veterans, because of  doing the services over the years at the Lodge.  And then, even after she couldn't sing for Haro Park's services, I would always record the national service, at the national monument, for her, and we would watch it.

By the time I got there, the place was packed, so I didn't actually stay for the service, because, of course, the local politicians were making their speeches.  But, a while later I went down to the legion, and spoke to a few people there.  So, today was surprisingly triggering.  But generally okay.