Loneliness

I am frustrated, pretty much to the point of tears.  Literally.

It started because my pensions have not come in.  This is not a big deal.  I have money in the bank.  But I wanted to check with the government to see if anything was wrong.  So, I tried to sign in to Service Canada.

First I tried with the bank account.  That didn't work because Scotiabank is somehow not available for whatever needs to go on.

So then I tried with the BC services card.  This is supposed to be one step authentication.  It's not.  Service Canada decided to ask me for a bunch of security questions, some of which I can't even remember answering.  So, of course, I got something wrong somewhere in there and it wouldn't let me in.  But then it said to change my profile.  So I started through that process.  But it wanted a bunch more security questions, this time for me to give answers to be used in the future.  So I did that.  It didn't like some of my answers because none of the answers are supposed to be the same.  So I changed the questions until the answers weren't all the same, and then it decided that something wasn't the same as what was on file.

Of course I can't call anybody because they only answer the phones Monday to Friday.

Later on, I ended up standing outside a church, waiting for someone to show up for an event which I had been told and confirmed was going to happen, and where nobody ever showed up.  And feeling that, if I died right then and there, it would be OK with me.

The fact that I am frustrated to the point of tears by this trivial and stupid process seems to illustrate how little reserves of cope I am running on right now.

* * *

I suspect that my meltdown, a week and a half ago, has primarily to do with loneliness.  Loneliness is a major issue with grief.  It is far stronger than can simply be explained by the loss of one, albeit primary, relationship.  It almost seems to extend to relationship in general.  And those who are bereaved are sometimes desperate to fix it.  It is almost a cliche that dad, having lost mom, gets into an inappropriate relationship with some bimbo, and marries her with an indecent haste.

So loneliness is quite intense, and I have spoken  of it before.  In regard to the hypothesis of grief being a primary driver of the misbehavior in during the pandemic, the loneliness is an explanation for the rise of cults, and the increased followers for conspiracy theories, during that period.

I am lonely.  I am intensely lonely .  This is not an area that I am well equipped to understand.  What little I know of emotions, I learned from Gloria.  I don't think we ever discussed anything in regard to loneliness.  So, it could be that I am badly failing to understand or analyze this properly.

I do not completely understand the needs involved in socialization.  This involves emotion and psychology, two areas where I have limited experience and knowledge.  But we need something.  Cope?  Social energy?  Empathy?  Behaviourists would talk about positive reinforcement.  (It's not just jelly beans.)  Transactional analysts would talk about "warm fuzzies."  Whatever it is, I am running low.  L says that I am frantic, and possibly I am.  I am "putting out" into the community, as I did in Delta, and hoping to get some "return on investment" (which may sounds weird when talking about social or spiritual areas) before I completely run out of ... whatever it is.  And shut down completely.  Never to start up again.

Recent discussions in this area have tended to rely on the differences between introverts and extroverts, and suggests that introverts do not have the same kinds of needs for socialization.  I do not think that this is fully true.  There is a difference in the intensity of the need, or possibly the quantity of the need, in regard to the difference between introverts and extroverts.  Maybe extroverts get what they need from the quantity of socialization, and introverts get it from the quality of socialization.  However, even introverts do have needs in regard to socialization.  I do not know what the needs are, but they are there.  I am, primarily, an introvert.  So was Gloria.  (And, yet again, I first wrote that, "So is Gloria.")  However, we both had certain needs with regard to socialization.

I am lonely.  I am away from my community.  (If I ever had any.)  I have twice been ripped out of any idea of community, and placed in a new location, in the past year.  When I moved to Delta, I realized that I would need something in regard to socialization.  I am not equipped to formalize what that need is.  I find it hard even to describe it.  However, I do know that it is a real need.  I did put a lot of effort into rebuilding some kind of community.  I went church shopping.  I not only looked for a church to attend, but got involved, in a very intense way, in the activities of the churches I attended.  I helped out with community dinners.  I helped out with clean up days.  I helped out with special events.  I know that it is important to be involved in this level of activity, so that, while working with people, you can assess their capabilities and personalities on a much deeper level than is likely to be available for analysis over superficial conversations during a coffee time after the service.  I also know that it is important to volunteer, and to look for opportunities to help, rather than simply demanding that other people address your needs.  For one thing, nobody has any particular motivation to address your needs, if they don't know you.  For another, your needs can, sometimes, be addressed by helping others.  This business of the requirements for, and benefits from, socialization can be complex.

I did not confine my attempts at socialization to churches.  I attended community and arts events.  That did not really result in any particular benefit.  The most successful non-church area, was in volunteering for Deltassist.  I became part of the garden crew, and, although I had very little gardening experience, I did quickly find a place as "Rob the watering guy."  Anybody can do the watering: it just takes time.  So, I did the watering, while those who had experience in gardening did the more sophisticated tasks.  But, watering was important, particularly during the drought this summer, so, I did become an important part of the gardening crew.  I made a contribution, and I had a purpose.

Having a purpose can be part of the importance of socialization.  Victor Frankel's book about "Man's Search for Meaning" raises this issue: we are all looking for meaning, or, to put it another way, purpose.  So it's important to have a purpose, to give meaning to your life.  Without it, we are in danger of depression.  I know this: I have fought depression for over 50 years.

I got a bit of purpose over the past few days.  Sunday, one church asked me to help with the sound board.  Monday, I got to be the narrator for another church's Christmas play.  Maybe it'll be enough for the next few weeks?