Alone ...

 This is lonely.

Gloria was, as I started this, dying.  I was thirty miles away, setting up the home that she should have been moving into.  I should be there, but I can’t, because I have to be here.

And I couldn’t tell anyone, because we committed to not telling anyone until Gloria could agree, and tell them.  But now that may not happen.  So I can’t tell anyone.  At least, not yet.  Soon, it’ll be obvious.  But, right now, it’s lonely.

K&L have each other.  They are doing all the work.  But, while they do all the work, and put in enormous amounts of time and energy, they have each other.  They can talk to each other.  I couldn’t talk to anyone.

Well, there’s a little left for me.  An enormous to do list of all the admin that goes along with moving.  Cancelling the gas.  Cancelling the hydro.  Moving the phone.  Moving the paper.  Ordering new TV and Internet service.  Cancelling the old TV and Internet service that isn’t available in the new place.  Part of which means that I don’t have the Internet for a while.  And, much more than others, I live on the Internet.  Possibly not in the same way as all the social media addicts and influencers, but I’ve worked there for almost four decades (when I got on, there were only about a thousand people there), so most of my friends and colleagues are there.  Plus, of course, all the means to cancel, move, and order utilities are on the Internet.  Well, the Internet got connected,  so that helped.  But, not that much ...

And then Gloria died.

And then the admin really started.  There's a whole bunch of administrative and clerical detail that go along with somebody dying.  And, again, K&L did what they could, but I have to do a lot of it, because, after all, I'm the one with the accounts, and the secret question answers, and the passwords ...

And, although K&L have moved everything here, I still have to haul it out of boxes and set it all up ...

So then this very good friend mentioned the Jewish community practice of surrounding the mourner, and doing everything for them.  I mean, you don't have to be Jewish to know that meme.  Pretty much every movie that features death shows the mourner with a central core of three to six close friends, and then a houseful of other friends, any of whom can be dispatched to take care of a specific task as it comes up.  (I suspect that part of the reason for wakes is this type of idea.  I mean, it would even help if you could note that you needed to cancel a utility, and someone would look up the support number, and call it, and wait on the line until finally you can get through to an actual person, and then hand the phone to you.)  And, of course, that prompted another crying jag over how alone I am.

(And it doesn't help that Jacque Brel's "The Old Folks" has just started up on the playlist rotation ...)

(And, of course, the idea of the wake style of a house full of people is a complete non-starter in the midst of a pandemic, especially one that has been boosted by a new and improved and more transmissible variant ...)

(And one of the admin details I had to do was to call the vaccination line, and find out why I, over 65 and with diabetes and high blood pressure, all risk factors for CoVID, haven't been offered a booster, when Gloria got hers about a month ago.  Apparently, in my case, they are willing to stick rigorously to the "six months after" policy, so I don't qualify for boosters, so all the admin that has to take place in person is even more of a risk for me ...)

A lot of friends have offered to be there.  If I call.  If I can figure out what they might be able to do to help.  My friend offered to Fedex orders of ribs for meals for me.  Or call tradesmen to fix things.  It might be a bit problematic sending meals by Fedex, since we are in different countries, and by the time they figured out the duties to get the food over the line, it might be cold.  But it was a great offer, and the most helpful I've received so far.

What I really need is time.  For all the details.  And/or help with all the admin that goes into somebody dying.  And, together with the mention of the Jewish community support for the mourner, that has prompted me to realize how alone I am, in contrast to the Jewish practice and all the movies.  And you can't Fedex time.

And, of course, most of my admin help over the years has come from Gloria.  (Oh, believe me, I did know what I'd got before it was gone.)  I've lost my best person to talk to, as well as my admin.