Review of "It's Okay That You're Not Okay" by Megan Devine

Megan Devine was, and presumably still is, a psychotherapist, and then one day she watched her partner drown.  She says that she wanted to go back and apologize to all the people that she had counseled about grief over the years, for not understanding what they were going through.

Basically, everything in part one of the book is addressed to an audience that won't read it, and desperately needs to: those who have not lost anyone, but who know someone who has.  There is a good deal that is recognizable (to anyone who is bereaved), in the material that she puts into the book.  The book is well written, with short paragraphs, and is therefore easily readable.  However, there is very little actual analysis.  The content does not provide any startling insights, but this first part is not particularly helpful to those who are bereaved, other than those who have had absolutely no contact with counseling or grief groups.  The material is not necessarily facile, but it's not very helpful either.  (Devine does touch on religion, and it's obvious that she, for an atheist, is really, *really* mad at God.  She blames religion, particularly Western religion and Christianity, for the dysfunction in our society in regards to grief.  Interestingly, she sees Eastern religions as promoting more compassion, which is intriguing given that in Eastern religions having compassion on someone is seen as simply a way to get more karma, and therefore is a benefit to you.)

Devine proposes a new model of dealing with grief, as opposed to fixing it, or just simply continuing to suffer: that of bearing witness.  This does explain an awful lot of the postings that I am seeing recently on the grief accounts about bearing witness.  However, in her initial mention of this concept, coming, as it does, towards the end of a huge section that is simply (although justifiably) complaining about the massive dysfunction and misunderstanding of grief that exists in our society, she seems to be, herself, bearing witness to this dysfunction, rather than grief itself.

I recognize an awful lot of what Devine writes in her book.  I certainly recognize the issues of the monumental weight of death administration, and the issues about shopping, and particularly the issues about realizing that you no longer have to look for particular items or brands because you only bought them because it was your loved ones favorite.  Then, there are the other stories she tells that are completely foreign.  (She talks about not changing the sheets on the bed for an entire year.  My initial reaction was, how could you possibly do that?  And then I realized that I had, while Gloria was still alive, sometimes gone more than a year without changing the sheets, because Gloria would feel guilty if I washed the bed linen, because laundry was *her* job.  And I can recall, at one point when Gloria was in hospital, taking advantage of her absence to wash absolutely everything on the bed while she was gone.)  I was intrigued to find that we share a sudden loss of interest in reading.  I can second her recommendation of writing about your grief, although that seems to be her major (and possibly only?) approach to processing grief.  (I am far from certain that it would help every griever.)

Devine makes a distinction between pain and suffering.  Pain is what the body feels, and is unavoidable.  Suffering is the lack of validation that your pain gets from other people.  Devine also suggests finding anything that makes you feel the tiniest bit better.  Unfortunately, since I can't find anyone to validate my pain, what makes me feel the tiniest bit better, is Timbits.  This would not be good for my diet.  Devine also notes making an inventory, and collecting data on, the things that make you feel the tiniest bit better, in order to figure out what to avoid, and what to pursue.  This is possibly a good idea, but, for someone in the midst of grief, might feel like an awful lot of hard work.

The book should be entitled "It's Okay That They're Not Okay," and it should be required reading for everyone who has a friend who is grieving.  (And to anyone who is working in, or intends to work in, grief counseling.  Unfortunately, positive outcomes for this group are not guaranteed.  I have already had an extended conversation with an intended counsellor, who has read the book, and is much enthused by it--and, quite obviously, has no idea of grief, and no feeling for, or skill in, grief counselling.)  It is much more useful to those than to the bereaved (and it would be much more useful to the bereaved if everyone else would read it).