Inconsistency

Okay, I am overloaded.  As Number One Daughter puts it, this is self-induced craziness.  Why, am I doing this to myself?

Well, if I don't do anything, I will simply sit around, and mope, and be depressed, until I die.  But, isn't that what I want?  I mean, not being depressed, but dying?  Yes, there is no particular reason for me to be here, so, yes, I want to die.

So, isn't that inconsistent?  Well, yes, it is.  However, sitting around and waiting to die is going to take a considerable length of time.  And I don't particularly want to just sit there for that extended period of time.  I abhor waste.  So I might as well do something, while I'm waiting to die.  Yes, this is inconsistent, in that, while I'm doing all of these things, I am probably increasing the time before I die.  If I would just sit around and mope, I would die more quickly.  However, "more quickly" is open to definition.  I probably wouldn't die within a reasonable space of time, reasonable, for me, at the moment, being next week.  So, I keep doing things.  I see needs.  I tried to find fixes.  I try to find things that I can do that will help other people.  As I say, there is no sense in thinking that, just because I am a grieving widower, and in pain, here in a new city, that anyone will care.  So, instead, I am trying to reduce the total suffering on the face of the earth, by reducing the suffering of other people.  And doing things, and starting projects, and doing work, towards that end.  That much I can do.  And that's reducing suffering, so therefore, no, it's not inconsistent.