Grief is schizoid

How do I put this?

I am, at the same time, married to Gloria, and Gloria is dead.  I have a life, which is being married to Gloria, taking care of Gloria, discussing everything with Gloria: and at the same time I am alone, bereaved, lonely, and in the wrong city.

But that's not right either.  I am both married, and not married.  I am in a quantum state of marriage.  I am in a quantum state of life.  My life, my old life, my original life, is over.  But I am still alive.  My old life is irrelevant.  At the same time, my old life has made me what I am.  Gloria has made me, to a large extent, what I am now.  At the same time, Gloria is dead.  Gloria is no longer discussing anything with me.  Gloria changed and modified me in all kinds of ways over the past three decades.  But that is no longer happening.

At the same time, my life is changing in all kinds of ways, very rapidly, and is completely different from what it was.  I am not taking care of Gloria.  I am not going to the same meetings, with the same people.  I am not shopping in the same stores.  I moved, or I was moved, from North Vancouver to Delta, and then from Delta to Port Alberni.  I have changed all kinds of things that I am doing.  I am no longer attending churches that I have attended, and where I know people, and where I have known people, for years.  I am doing church shopping, first in Delta, and now in Port Alberni.  I built volunteer jobs in Delta.  Now I am building volunteer jobs in Port Alberni.  I am obtaining volunteer positions in Port Alberni, in completely new areas.  I have the time to do all kinds of these activities because I am no longer taking care of Gloria.  That caretaking/caregiving part of my life is over.  It was the major part of my life.  Now the major part of my life is volunteering, with multiple organizations, and church shopping, and attending Bible studies.

I miss, really, desperately miss, Gloria.  I miss talking to her and discussing everything I am doing, and that she is doing.  At the same time, I am enjoying the volunteering, and researching, and writing, in lots of different directions.  And, on the third hand, I miss discussing all this new stuff with Gloria.

Currently there is a meme doing the rounds of the "grief" social media accounts, about how it's possible, and OK, to both grieve and be grateful (I assume this is because the Americans have just finished their tardy version of Thanksgiving) at the same time, and how we need a new term to describe this type of multitasking.  But, as the grief industry tends to say, repeatedly, mourners always feel that they are going crazy, anyway.  What's a little schizophrenia between the bereaved friends?

(Yeah, I'm way behind.  I started that three weeks ago ...)