Exhausted

I am exhausted.  Partly it is still grief.  Grief is exhausting, and death admin is exhausting.  And I've been on the run ever since.  I'm somewhat afraid to stop, in case unresolved depression is lurking in the background.  It's like that old line about don't look back, somebody might be gaining on you.  If I stop, I may never start again.

Partly it is, as K puts it, self-imposed craziness.  I am trying to build a life (no, not rebuild: my life is now so different that it is like a completely new life).  And, in order to start a new life, you have to line up a lot of things, most of which aren't going to work.  So I have to keep looking around for things to start, knowing that most of them *won't* start right away, and some may *never* start, but if I don't keep starting things, nothing will *ever* start.

Partly it is the second move in a year (yeah, I moved ten times in two years, but that was when I was in my late twenties, not as an Official Old Person).  And fighting, for two months, with all the utilities.  And now fighting "deficiencies" in my new house.  (For which the girls are doing *huge* amounts of the work, but there are still lots of things that I have to do myself.)

And I'm *still* not fully unpacked.  And every time I sit down, and look around, I see something else that needs to be fixed, unpacked, set up, read, thrown out, etc, etc, that I hadn't even *thought* of adding to a to do list   ...