Do a grief cleanse
Okay, what the heck is a grief cleanse? Does this mean that you eat nothing but grapefruit juice for a couple of days? Does this mean that you only think eat things that you really, *really* don't like for a couple of days?
I have never heard of a grief cleanse. But, on the off chance, I did a search for grief cleanse. And, surprise surprise: the only thing that came up was something by the grief guru who made up this particular list. Apparently, a grief cleanse is a form of grief journaling. You sit down with paper and pencil, and ask questions of, well, grief. And then you write down any answers that you get.
I am not opposed to grief journaling. Recently, a number of authors have started to really emphasize grief journaling, and I think that there are a number of reasons why grief journaling is a good and useful exercise for the bereaved. I just don't think that you need to dress it up in other terminology in order to do it. There are plenty of places that you can get advice on grief journaling, and even lists of prompts to get you started doing grief journaling. You don't need to call it a grief cleanse, or any other new invented jargon.
Okay, I should admit that "grief cleanse" was not only noted by this one particular grief guru. There was another entry mentioning grief cleanse. It was also referred to as "grief decluttering." This was an exercise where you go through all of your possessions that have a relation to your dead person. This seems to be a little bit more than just getting rid of their clothes, although it does seem to have similar purposes. You examine your possessions, and particularly those possessions which are related to the deceased, and determine whether or not you really need to keep said possessions. This is possibly an exercise that can be helpful in the grieving process, and is probably something to consider, if you haven't done it. It is also possibly very emotionally fraught, so it might not be one of the first aspects of grief work that you pursue.
Listen and watch encouraging messages — podcasts, inspiring movies, uplifting or soul stirring music
Concentrating on the positive can have some beneficial effects. But I really have to be careful, and caveat that "can have." Yes, looking to the positive, in order to distract yourself from The fairly constant barrage of negative thoughts that you may have following a loss, can be a useful and beneficial thing. But it may not be a real fix.
There is also a very real danger that choosing to watch positive and uplifting material may generate a feeling of revulsion for this type of content. If the uplifting material that you are reading or watching or listening to is overly simplistic, you may have a negative reaction simply by watching it or listening to it. The unreality of an onslaught of "be happy," "life is good," "the world is wonderful" can very easily turn negative as the unreality of viewing the world through rose-colored glasses is impressed upon you in an objectively very difficult situation. So, I could not, unreservedly, recommend reading, watching, or listening to a barrage of uplifting and positive content.
If positive content is difficult for you, you might want to consider comedy. Comedy (and possibly the more absurd the better) is not directly challenging the reality of your difficult situation. Comedy, if positive simplistic positive and uplifting material is difficult for you, might be something that could lighten your mood, without appearing to be completely unrealistic in light of your loss or tragedy. Comedy is, almost by definition, unrealistic, and therefore the unreality may be more acceptable than a steady diet of "life is wonderful."
Reduce your workload
I think this might come under the category of "be kind to yourself." Yes, the reality may be that you simply do not have the same capacity that you did before. Nancy Reeves has proposed a very interesting thesis, where you actually may have the same energy as you had before the loss, but an enormous amount of that energy is, immediately following the loss, taken up by simply surviving the loss. Therefore, yes, be kind to yourself, and accept that you may not be able to accomplish the same level of work as you were able to before the loss. You should also note that the loss of an important person in your life means the loss of resources that enabled you to perform the level of work that you were carrying on before.
Go back to work
Okay, doesn't this, quite explicitly, contradict the previous item in the list? Reduce your work, but also go back to work?
However, yes, it should be considered. Depending on what your work was, you may need the distraction that your work may provide to you to distract yourself from simply concentrating on the loss all the time.
This dual issue requires careful balance, and very few people can give you specific guidance on what constitutes a proper balance. Do you reduce your workload, and take light duty for a while? And how do we define "a while?" And how much distraction does doing our job provide us in the midst of the grief work that we are necessarily going through after a loss? Yes, consider this dual set of instructions, but you may need help in determining the right level.
Cultivate soul enriching habits — prayer, spiritual reading, solitude, meditation
Okay, we're back to positivity. Once again, yes, good habits, prayer, spiritual readings, meditation, can all have a valuable part in your grief journey. But, as with the uplifting content that we just talked about, there are some dangers if these practices do not, actually, help with your grief work and grief journey.
Journal your thoughts and feelings
Yep, as expected, we are into grief journaling.
And, yes, as I have briefly noted, more and more people in the grief industry are proposing grief journaling, and I do feel that, for many, it can be useful. In my own case, my family physician suggested that, given that I was a good writer, I should write. (I think she probably had in mind a private grief journal, and instead I started to write a blog. Oh, well.)
Grief journaling, in common with the sharing that is done in both individual grief counseling, and in group grief support situations, forces you to express what you are feeling and going through. Trying to put your emotions and experiences into words requires that you, yourself, think more about what you are going through, what you are feeling, how various aspects of both grief and your life are coming at you, and this, very often, forces you to clarify those thoughts and experiences. Sometimes you will say something, to your counselor or to the group, and someone may question what you have said. This may prompt you to consider whether what you said was, actually, and accurately, what you experienced. This forces a rethinking, and often clarifies, even if only to yourself, what you actually did feel or experience. The same thing can be true of writing down your experiences. If you write them, and then possibly reread them, you may be asking yourself "was that really how I felt?" Was that really how I experienced this? Once again, this may clarify for yourself what you are going through, and can, possibly, be a guide as to how you proceed.
This isn't a guarantee. It does depend upon how much thought you have put into your own life. It can depend on whether you are used to analyzing your own situation. It can have a lot to do with the type of work that you do, the type of hobbies that you pursue, the types of pleasures that you enjoy. If you are an analytical type of person, grief journaling is probably more helpful. If you are the type of person who takes life as it comes without too much thought, you may find grief journaling difficult, and possibly unhelpful.
Connect with empathetic witnesses
Yes, I agree. I can recommend telling people your story, and having them witness your grief and difficulties.
With only one proviso.
Finding empathetic witnesses can be an awful lot more difficult than you think.
Breathe
Breathing exercises are good. Breathing exercises can be quite calming. Calm helps you to manage the flurry of thoughts and emotions that can be enormous following a loss. The types, and strength, and variety of emotions that you experience following a significant loss can be like nothing you have ever experienced before, and can lead to questions about whether or not you're going crazy. No, you're not going crazy. Pretty much everybody goes through exactly the same thing.
There are lots, and lots, and lots, and lots of different instructions you will get on breathing exercises. Basically, they all boil down to: inhale for longer than you exhale.
Grief cliches (1)
(to be continued ...)
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