Sunday 20230430

Sundays are always the worst.

I have yet to get through a Sunday service without crying here in Port Alberni, but, so far, I have been able to get away with it, without anybody catching me at it.  Not today.

Today was particularly bad.  The depression, and exhaustion from the depression, is getting worse.  Today I spent almost an hour sitting in a chair, trying to find a reason to get up out of it.  Without notable success, although eventually I did.  Out walking I was very slow and tired, and I seem to be lightheaded most of the time when I'm standing up, which indicates a pretty strong somatic involvement, although all my medical tests indicate nothing wrong.  (My cognitive impairment is obviously worse: I've been catching *way* more typos while I've been writing up this piece.)

And thence to church.  First off, for some reason, something reminded me that I was alone, so that started a crying jag.

And, I had barely finished that one, when someone got up and made a contribution, and mentioned that this particular book teaches about perseverance.  Now, Gloria did know about my "just going on," and "keeping on going," as a sort of part of cognitive behavioral therapy, sort of "learned helplessness" type of "forcing success," as a means of dealing with depression.  She knew about it, and she approved of it, and occasionally she would comment on it, and note that I had a great deal of persistence, and perseverance, and that she found that quite amazing.  One of the last things that she said to me, in the month while she was sick, but before she went into the hospital, was that she found my perseverance, and persistence, and stick-to-it-iveness, and just plain "keeping on going" incredible, and that she found it marvelous, and that I kept on going in the face of adversity more than anybody she knew, and she wondered at that.  Well, right now I don't feel like keeping on going.  I want to die.  This depression is awful, and stronger than anything since before I married Gloria, and today is particularly bad and I don't know why I'm here.  I do not want to persevere, here.  I do not want to keep going.  I want this to end.  This life is really, really horrible.

So, the person giving the "testimony," her mention of perseverance set me off on another crying jag.  And this time I got caught at it.  Rob, bringing his little ray of darkness, everywhere he goes.  Just call me Rob Btfsplk.

And then the sermon, ... well I don't know that this was a central theme, but it was a big theme, that our suffering; suffering not as a result of our own actions; but benefiting others, is Christ-like and important.  Well, I am definitely no Christ figure, but I am suffering.  God killed my wife to bring me here to Port Alberni, but my being here has not particularly benefitted anybody.  Given the repeated rejections of pretty much everything that I am trying to contribute (especially to the churches) here, it's pretty clear that I am not benefitting anyone by being here.  So, that started another crying jag.  

It's been a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, day.  It has been absolutely awful.  I wish I were dead, rather than going through this.