I feel ...

First of all, I suppose I have to explain response generalization.

When we humans are in a stimulated or aroused state, the physical manifestation is similar, regardless of the stimulus or cause.  Our heart rate increases, we are agitated, and we have a hair-trigger reaction to any other stimulus.

In the middle of the last century, some researchers tested the hypothesis that we humans don't really know what it is that we are reacting to, when we react.  Subjects were given some adrenalin, usually administered in water or coffee that was "provided" to the subjects, without the subjects' knowledge.  Then they were put into a situation, and given an ostensible "task," with a "stooge," who was one of the experimenters, but seemed to be another subject.  The stooge would then model some strong emotion, like anger, sadness, or fear, supposedly in reaction to the task.  In pretty much all cases the actual subject would show a stronger version of the same reaction; rage, crying fits, or terror; and would later attribute that reaction to the task.

(Responses generalize in other ways as well.  If you deliberately scare an infant, say with a sudden loud noise, they become afraid not only of the noise, but also of other stimuli or objects that are, coincidentally, in the same environment where they were scared, and even of objects *similar* to objects in the environment when they were scared.)

Last night I was feeling very strange and agitated for a few hours.  We were talking about caffeinated drinks, and so, initially, I thought my reaction might have been to a latte I had earlier in the day.  But, as time went on, and the feeling got stronger, I was wondering if it was a reaction to exhaustion (I'm certainly sleep deprived enough), or whether I might be getting sick.  Eventually, though, I recognized that this was a physical reaction I often feel when I am very angry at something, so this was probably some kind of unresolved emotional reaction.  Earlier in the day I had been reminded that I'd soon see my great grandson for the first time (positive), which also, of necessity, reminded me that Gloria never did get a chance to see him in person (negative).  And even before that had been an emotional roller-coaster as L finally found the missing VHS tapes (up), *and* the manual for the VCR/DVR (up), but we found that "Gloria's greatest hits" was not among those already converted to DVD (down), but we found a DVD of Gloria playing with R and T (glad to see her and missing her all at the same time), but we did find the three VHS tapes (and therefore six hours) of Gloria singing (up), but then I found that the VCR/DVR (or, at least, the VHS side of it) had died (MASSIVE downer).

L thinks it was some kind of, or at least similar to, a panic attack, as Shining had when she was younger.  That may very well be true.  And certainly her suggested treatment, of walking, apparently worked, and I was much calmer after we had done a couple of laps.  My emotions have always been something of a mystery to me, which often irked Gloria, and is partly why I am working so hard to catalogue and analyze them here.