Control

 I've mentioned that a lot of people ask how I am, or to consider what it is that *I* want, and that it is extremely hard to answer these questions.  (Of course, what *I* want is Gloria, and that's not going to happen.)

I have also mentioned that I seem to be reacting to everything as it comes at me, immediately, as soon as a reminder pops up, without planning how to work on it most effectively or efficiently.

(I'm trying to address that.  For example, BCAA wanted me to come in and fix some disastrous mistake that they had made, so we made an appointment for Monday.  Since I was going to be out, driving, seeing them, I planned ahead and made a shopping list for stores in the area, and it was reasonably successful.)

I am beginning to suspect that these two issues are related.

I'm feeling that I am not in charge, that I am not in control.  Now, of course, that may simply be a natural reaction to loss.  You have a big loss,  and that packs a wallop, and the world does not seem as controllable as you assumed it was when everything (well, most things) were going as they were (you assume) supposed to.

In reality, of course, we are not in charge, and random negative (and positive, but we don't seem to mind as much about the positive) things can happen.  We are not in total control.  We have some control over some things, but anyone who works in emergency management or business continuity or incident response knows that we don't have total control.  (Either that or they are delusional, and should not be put in charge of those fields.)

So, is this stronger feeling of a lack of control just a part of grieving?  Is there anything in particular I should be doing about it?  Is it related to the learned helplessness theory of depression, where the "cure" for depression is to make the subject "succeed" at something even if you have to force them to do it?  (What does *that* do about control?)