I'm new here, in Port Alberni.
When people from Port Alberni find out that you're new, they ask where you're from. I don't know why they ask where you're from. I start to say that I was born in Vancouver, that I lived in North Vancouver with my wife, that after Gloria died the girls moved me to Delta, and before I get even barely started, they just reply, "Oh, 'The Mainland!'" Well, of course it's "the mainland." From here, everywhere is "the mainland." Everyone is from "the mainland" if they weren't born here. As far as I can tell, "the mainland" starts at Coombes, if not Cathedral Grove. To the best of my knowledge, even China is "the mainland."
See, I come from Vancouver. I'm a Vancouverite. Vancouver is the ultimate mobile society. Nobody is from Vancouver. The standing joke is that only nine people were ever born in Vancouver. Well, I'm one of the nine. I was born in Vancouver. Not only was I born in Vancouver, but both of my parents were born in Vancouver. Three of my *grandparents* were born in Vancouver. I'm from Vancouver.
And, like I say, *nobody* is from Vancouver. Everybody expects that everybody, in Vancouver, is from someplace else. I once went for a job interview, and they asked, making small talk to put you at ease at the beginning of the interview, where are you from? I said Vancouver. They replied, no, no, where were you born?
Vancouver.
But that's not the case in Port Alberni. Everybody in Port Alberni was born here. Everybody in Port Alberni has lived all their lives here. And, most of you are really, really old. So you've lived here for a long time. Interestingly, when I lived in North Vancouver, everybody in North Vancouver gave directions by landmarks that don't exist anymore. It's the same here in Port Alberni, for a slightly different reason. Everybody in Port Alberni has lived here so long, that the landmarks that they navigate by, don't exist anymore. Sometimes they have changed because of geological processes. That's how long most people have lived in Port Alberni. So, for example, I live at the high school. No, not the one where the students go everyday, the old high school, that isn't there anymore. That's the way I give people directions to my house in Port Alberni.
Interestingly, a lot of people here make a big deal of the fact that they moved away, but moved back. They moved away, and they tried to build a life outside of Port Alberni. But, even though they tried really hard, they just always felt that they had to move back, even after living someplace else for so long. And so, eventually they found a way to move back. And I'll ask, how long were you away? Oh, it must have been all of five years.
Five years? That's not "moving away." That's "going for coffee." That's a long vacation. You guys make it sound like exile for most of your lives. Five years? You hardly have enough time to find out where the shops are! Don't get me wrong. It's perfectly acceptable to love your home town, and I'm really glad that you all do. But lots of people live away from their home town for that long just to go to college, and they don't make a big deal out of it.
I've also learned a few other things about Port Alberni since coming here. For example, coffee. Now, I'm not a big coffee fan. Oddly, since Gloria died, I've been drinking an awful lot more coffee then I ever have before. But I'm not a big coffee aficionado. I'm not one of those who has to have a certain type of coffee, made a certain way. I don't like strong, bitter tasting drinks, so I take my coffee with a lot of cream and sugar.
But that is not Port Alberni style. That is one thing that I have found since coming here: the way people from Port Alberni like their coffee. Good coffee, in Port Alberni, is strong, and dark, and black, and bitter. Port Alberni coffee is for people who think Starbucks doesn't make their extra dark roast strong enough. Other people might talk about paint stripper. In Port Alberni, the coffee that's good enough doesn't just strip paint, but takes off the gelcote, too, and starts eating holes in the fiberglass. Or, sometimes they talk about rust remover. Port Alberni coffee will take off the rust, and then start etching the steel. That's the way people in Port Alberni like their coffee. The preferred coffee shops in town all know this. The default brew at any independent coffee shop here in Port Alberni, is strong, extra dark, and extra bitter. And none of the restaurants or coffee shops put out cream and sugar, because, why would you put sugar in your coffee? It's not bitter enough anyway.
So, when I learned that there was an open mic night, which featured not only musicians and other artists, but comedy, as well, I thought I'd give it a try. After all, I'm here because my wife died. So, given that you guys like black bitter coffee, I thought I'd try out some black, bitter comedy, and see if that's to your taste.
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