Shopping

 Trying to be a responsible Old Person, who has already had A Fall, and needs to keep relatives informed of where I am and what I'm doing, I told K&L, "I'm going shopping. Why am I going shopping? I hate shopping. Is it comfortingly familiar? Anyway, I'm going to Save-On and maybe Walmart."

And Number One Daughter wrote back:

I am going to propose that you actually love shopping. And that all this time you have either told yourself or been told that “you” hate shopping. If you actually want to break the cycle, start making a shopping list and don’t let yourself go shopping until you have added to the list for at least 3-4 days instead of going when you think of something. Or pick 2 days a week that are shopping and errand days.

Or maybe work on acknowledging that you actually love shopping. 

Or figure out what shopping is for you (an escape from other tasks?). Kind of like scrolling social for us? In other words mostly a waste of time? 😔

If familiarity is what you are looking for, then maybe curl up and dive in to an old classic book?

Or just shop without guilt or explanation (or even the need to report). Cause you can.

Which was kind.  (Particularly that last.)

It was also useful.  I did, immediately, start to do the shopping list thing.  I'd had one before, and I'm still trying to work out exactly what the best system is.  But having a list, of any type, forces you to be more aware of shopping, and what you are shopping for, and why, and whether this purchase is really necessary.  I'm not quite finished December accounts, yet, but I notice that, yes, I was doing a lot of shopping, in the days immediately after Gloria died, and, while few of the purchases were completely unnecessary, it seems obvious that I was using shopping, as much as I hate it, as an escape from something worse.  (Sitting around and thinking about missing Gloria?)

Some types of shopping are comforting and familiar.  When I finally found the (one!) Safeway around here, it was almost like an old friend.  I do have to be very careful these days in grocery stores.  I'm starting to get the hand of not buying things that Gloria wanted or needed, but I'm still not used to "buying for one," and I've already had more food than I'm comfortable with go into the compost.  I also need to guard against stress eating.

And, yes, even other types of shopping, because they provide some level of familiarity, are comforting in this time when nothing is familiar: no wife, no friend, no schedule, no home, no home turf.  So I'll have to watch that.  (A few days ago I was reminded that, yes, I *do* hate shopping, and why.  I was looking for a loofah.  I went to *SIX* different dollar stores, and not one of them had one ...)

Anyway, starting to have a shopping list really reined in the shopping.  I'm even starting to be more aware reading the flyers, because I have to think, before I put something on the shopping list, of whether I actually have room in the fridge or freezer for it.  (This week has been difficult, with bloodwork, and fasting, and fasting for the colonoscopy, etc, but I should get back into going to Big Bazaar and checking the "dead vegetables" shelf, and that's what's for dinner.)