Comfort

As a pastor, he is concerned about my situation, and my lack of comfort and fellowship.  We had, in fact, being talking about listening, and I had noted that listening needed to be more than simply being quiet while the other person talked, and needed to be backed up by actual interest.

This turned out to be a mistake.  He decided that what I was describing was a wife.  He decided that what I wanted was a wife.  He is, possibly, correct.  He decided that I would not be happy in looking for a church until I found a church that would or could be a surrogate wife.  It is possible that he is correct.  It may be that it is impossible to be accurate about your own motivations in this regard, in this type of situation, in pursuing the depth of your own psychology, and accurately identify your own internal state.  There is certain research in the field of logic that indicates this possibility.  (This would create a problem for the psychological counseling and therapies that rely on the "talking cure," although it is possible that some benefit maybe derived, even when when is not completely accurate or correct about an internal state, or central internal state, or all internal states.  Be that as it may.)

The thing is, he decided that this was the case.  (Which I thought rather proved my previous point about listening: he only listened until he felt he had diagnosed the problem, and then stopped listening to anything else that I had to say.)  At which point, he decided that there was no point in my looking for a church, as I was looking for the wrong thing.  It is not reasonable to ask a church to fulfill the role of surrogate wife.  It may not be possible, and, in any case, it would probably be unhealthy to try and do this kind of surrogate replacement.

I do not think that he is correct.  He may be, of course.  However, while he has made his decision, he did not present any evidence to support that contention, other than the mere fact of the illustration.  So, I'm not convinced that his assessment is, in fact, accurate or correct.  And, even if it's assessment is correct, it is not exactly helpful.  Even if I could assume, for the sake of argument or development of strategy, that he is correct, what course am I to take in this regard?  Am I to look for a wife in my current damaged, pained, grieving state?  I am not, in this state, an attractive candidate for any type of romantic interest or involvement.  Or, am I to change my requirements of what I am looking for, in a church?  I have, in fact, two requirements of a church: I am looking for a church where I can provide assistance, and do work, and have a purpose, and I am also looking for comfort.  If, in fact, I am looking for the wrong thing in terms of comfort, then the church will not be able to provide comfort: no church will.  In that case, it is, in fact, impossible to obtain comfort.  (Lord save me from pastors, and comforters, who are cheerful people.  As with W in Delta, whom I told I would never go to for counseling or pastoral care, since he was a primarily cheerful person, and his sole experience with depression had lasted all of a few days, and terrified him, whereas I have faced it for more than five decades.  Anything he could suggest would be facile and based on very limited experience, whereas I have long years of study and personal experience on the issue.)

And then I, seemingly randomly, run into F.  And he tells me that the pastor does not understand and that we need to get together.  That's a comfort, and I'm looking forward to getting together with him.