Why

The age-old existential question, eh?  2B OR !2B?

Why am I dieting? 

I mean, I know that it's good for my health.  I know that the walking is good for my health.  But why am I concerned about my health?  That only means that I'm going to live longer.  Why would I want to live longer?

I am old.  That means that, in the eyes of the world, I am useless.  Seventy years of learning all that I know, and it is of no use to anybody.  Thirty-five years of learning about security, and it is no use to anybody.  I have no use to the local community because I am no longer in my original community.  Because I am now a "newcomer," I am of no use to the community.

I am old.  I am also bereaved.  Nobody wants to know about that because nobody wants to think about death.  Also, I no longer have my friend, my buddy, the person to talk to, the person to enjoy things with.  So I am not enjoying anything anymore.  It's kind of freaky how little I am enjoying anything anymore.  I'm not enjoying reading.  I'm not enjoying movies.  I'm not enjoying much of anything.  I can't really even say that I'm enjoying walking, although walking is one of the things that is at least, less annoying.  But again, why am I walking?  Walking is only going to make me healthier, which is going to extend my life.  The life, you will recall, that I am not enjoying.

The only thing that I'm enjoying is oversized, unhealthy meals.  And, since I'm dieting, I can only do that about every week or two.

Am I hoping for something better?  I suppose that I must be.  What's that old joke about the triumph of hope over experience?

Am I hoping for a new friend?  I've had few enough really good friends in my lifetime.  Why should one come along just now?  Am I hoping that when I get to Port Alberni the community will be more accepting than it's being here?  Yeah, good luck with that.  A small town?  Accepting?  Not going to happen.  It's going to be more work discovering the community, finding a place in the community, finding opportunities to volunteer in the community, and all of that hard work.  And, I doubt that it will yield a better result.

I guess I just get on with it, regardless ...