Am I doing it wrong?

I am reading yet another piece on grieving.  It is supposed to be giving me comfort.  In a way, I suppose it does provide some comfort, in that it's saying that it's OK to grieve; it's OK to be sad; other people have had these experiences.

The thing is, other people have had lots of experiences that I haven't.  Lots of people say their loved one comes back to them, appears to them, that they dream about the loved one.  Gloria hasn't appeared to me.  (That may be unfair: she may have appeared to me in dreams, but she *knows* I almost never remember my dreams.)

I don't wake up and look for Gloria on the other side of the bed.  I know she's dead.  I've known ever since I woke up in the hospice and she wasn't breathing.  The closest I've come to forgetting that she's dead is having to correct myself over "our" car or "our" bank account, or thinking "Gloria would be interested in that" before mentally changing it to "Gloria would have been interested ..."  (Then again, maybe Gloria is interested in that, whatever she is doing right now, if "now" has any meaning in eternity.)

I'm also supposed to be angry.  At Gloria, at God for taking her, whatever.  Now, I know that I have unreasoning anger.  It's the bereaved person's superpower.  But, as far as I know, I'm not angry at Gloria.  I'm glad that she's out of the pain she was in.  I'm not mad at God.  What would be the point of that?

I'm not even mad at the oncologist.  Gloria liked him.  OK, maybe he was a bit cagey and undetailed in what he saw earlier in one of the tests.  He made a referral to a GI specialist, and didn't provide any details, so the GI specialist didn't follow up.  But, would it have made any difference if it had been discovered then?  It was a referral to a GI specialist, so they *might* have found the stomach tumour.  But the cytology on the pleural fluid indicated that the tumour on the lung originated with a tumour somewhere in the pelvic organs.  So there was already metastatic cancer, and it probably pre-dated the stomach tumour, and knowing earlier might have meant that we might have known longer that Gloria was going to die, but it probably wouldn't have saved her life.

But, there you are.  I'm being all rational and cognitive.  I'm not being emotional and irrational.  So, am I doing grief wrong?