Dying

It comes to us all.  Sometimes we suddenly go under a bus, or we are given a diagnosis of some lingering and fatal disease, but, for the most part, we simply get old, and then we die.

I suppose that the doctors have, by this time, all been told (by society, at least), that, when an elderly person comes to you with some kind of complaint, you don't just reply, well, at your time of life, you have to expect that.  But I'm sure that they all still *think* that.  And the doctors aren't finding anything wrong with me, because there *isn't* anything wrong with me.  Except that I am dying.  We slowly degenerate.  We get older.  We get slower.  We start to lose bits of our memory.  Our eyes don't work as well.  We don't have the same kind of energy or flexibility as we used to.  And it gets worse.  And then we die.  There's nothing anyone can do about it.  So why even mention it?

I doubt that even gerontologists, for the most part, take the time, or do the necessary research, to study the specifics of that slow and steady degradation.

But, when you are in it, it's annoying.

I am getting older.  I am failing, in many respects.  It's not just that I feel that I am dying.  I can almost measure it.  Of course, I am possibly in a better position to measure it than most.  I have dealt with metrics all my life.  For one thing, I have never been afraid of numbers.  Numbers are real.  Names are just string variables: they are arbitrary.  But numbers are real.  Most of the time they have meaning.  And I had to provide metrics when I was teaching, and we were constantly told about metrics when I was an information security expert, and I tend to pay attention to characteristics, and patterns, and signposts, anyways.

It's rather funny how we, as human beings, are so willing to give opinions and advice about matters where we really have no information at all.  For example, I'm getting weaker.  I am low on energy.  And, when I mention this, people are extraordinarily willing to suggest that I do exercise!  Even a little bit!  Even just a little bit every day, and going say, one house further every day!  As if I hadn't, for years previously, been the only pedestrian in town.  Walking everywhere.  Oh, that's not enough exercise?  What about the Tai Chi?

But, no, I don't walk anymore. I don't have the energy to go out walking.  And my house is at the top of a hill.  Yes, it's only a small hill, but I am, seriously, afraid that if I get away from my home, I may get to the point where I do not have the energy to climb back up that hill to my house.  And the Tai Chi?  Yes, I still do the Tai Chi.  Every morning.  Without fail.  Except that now, everyday, it is more and more of a burden to accomplish.

And then there's the reading.  I mentioned the reading.  But here's the thing: I have a bit of a metric.  For a number of years I have read ten chapters of the Bible, every morning.  That means I've read the whole thing.  Many times over.   And I know how long it takes.  Now, of course, not all the chapters in the Bible are the same length.  Sometimes the ten chapters that I'm reading will take less than fifteen minutes.  Every once in awhile, the ten chapters that I'm reading will take over half an hour.  (That's not very common.)  But the thing is, that, these days, more and more of the ten chapter blocks are taking more than half an hour to complete.  Sometimes it gets up to forty-five minutes.  So, as I noted in regard to the reading, reading is taking more effort.  Reading is taking more time.  And I can even measure that.  I have metrics for it.

So, I know, even though most people don't seem to notice it, that I am getting older.  And more decrepit.  And less capable.  And that I am losing more and more of the abilities that I relied upon even for the most basic aspects of living.

And I can measure it.

I can notice the milestones.  (Usually sometime after they have passed, but I can measure them.)

And I just wish it wasn't taking so boringly, annoyingly long to complete ...