Grief cliches (5)

See suffering and loss as part of life

Okay, I am *extremely* tempted to just go into yet another rant on toxic positivity.  Yes, I suppose that there are those who have been able, all their lives, so far, to see the world through rose-coloured glasses, and who never have had a loss, and who have never had any significant suffering.  If there are such, and they actually do not believe that suffering and loss is a part of life, then they are actually *suffering* from toxic positivity, and, yes, in that case, they need a dose of reality.

However, for the rest of us, it is possibly not terribly helpful to tell us to see suffering and loss as a part of life.  Yes, we have suffered.  Yes, we have had losses.  So, yes, we know that suffering and loss is a part of life.  But just saying that you need to recognize this is unlikely to be of any help in your grief journey.

Be aware of limiting beliefs

Once again, it is tempting to lump this in with the foregoing.

But, yes, there are some, and probably many more than those who think that suffering and loss is not a part of life, who feel shattered, and may, actually, believe that they cannot get through this.

Very, very few people actually die of a broken heart.  There are some few who do.  I don't know that anyone has, as of yet, determined the risk factors for those who, under severe emotional stress, actually have electrical signal malfunctions in their cardiac muscle.  But it does, very rarely, happen.  So, the belief that you cannot survive this is probably false.  (Some of us would *like* to die of a broken heart.)  And the belief that you cannot survive this, and you cannot get through this, is definitely going to be a limiting belief.

The belief that you are never going to be happy again is also a limiting belief.  Being happy, while still grieving, can be very strange.  People who have suffered a severe loss, and are grieving, may find that, when they find themselves experiencing happiness, pleasure, or even joy, feeling guilty about their happiness.  But you can enjoy things, even after a serious loss.  So, the belief that you can never be happy again, and there could never be any pleasure in your life again, is a seriously limiting, and incorrect, belief.  You have to work against falling into that trap.

If you have lost a spouse or partner, it's possible that you may think that you can never love again.  If you have lost a child, you may believe that you can never love another child as much as you loved the one that has died.  Once again, these beliefs are almost invariably false, and you need to fight against them.

Reframe your perspective

I think that this one needs a bit of context.  You may have a proper perspective.  You may have a reasonable perspective on what the loss means, how important it is to you, and whether this loss means that your life has no meaning anymore.  Simply saying that you need to reframe your perspective is not necessarily either true or helpful.

Renew your purpose

Yes, a significant loss in your life can make it feel like your life has no meaning, and no purpose.  When Gloria died, I lost my best friend, I lost the person that I most wanted to talk to at a given time, I lost my wife, and, since I had been her caregiver for a decade, I also lost my job.  So, yes, the meaning and purpose of my life took a pretty major hit.

I have tried to find a purpose, since, and, by and large, I have failed.  I have tried writing.  I have tried different *types* of writing.  I have tried to get involved with teaching.  I have tried quite a variety of volunteer work.  I have even tried gardening (and why I am gardening I *still* have absolutely no idea).  I still have no new meaning or purpose in my life.  I can't renew the purpose of my life, because I was taking care of Gloria, and Gloria doesn't need taken care of anymore.  So, I would say that your purpose, and the meaning in your life, can take a hit, and you may need to find something else.  Certainly renewing is not always a possibility, and finding a new purpose can be very difficult.  Considering your purpose, and considering pursuing efforts to find a new purpose, should be something that you should think about.  But just blankly saying "renew your purpose" is probably not helpful.

Embrace tears as healing

As I have previously noted, I don't have any particular problem with tears.  However, I'm not sure that I, necessarily, see tears as healing.  Yes, you may have to cry.  And it's all right to cry.  There is nothing wrong with crying.  Some people feel better after crying.  I, myself, don't.  But I don't fight against it either.

If you feel better after a good cry, good.  If not, it doesn't necessarily mean that there's anything wrong with you.  I don't think that there's anything wrong with crying, but I don't think that there's any magic healing in them, either.