Hallmark movie script rules

There are certain rules for a Hallmark movie script.

Do not expect anything profound in a Hallmark movie.  Any significant ideas, or even genuinely witty dialogue, must be surgically removed from the script.  Nobody wants anything demanding from these movies.  Otherwise they wouldn't have chosen a Hallmark movie.  (This is enforced so rigorously that I have documented the only two exceptions that I've ever found https://fibrecookery.blogspot.com/2024/11/another-one.html.)

Kids are generally to be avoided onscreen, but, if absolutely necessary to the plot, must be cute, and usually precocious.

Nobody.  *EVER*.  Pays for anything.  No cash.  No credit cards.  No cheques.  Just grab the item, thank the cashier, and leave.  Only *once* have I ever seen anyone exchange anything for goods or services.

Like Disney, nobody ever dies in a Hallmark movie.  This may seem odd until you start thinking about it.  Lots of people are referenced as *having* died.  There are lots of widows and widowers, sometimes (sort of) grieving.  But nobody ever dies.  (Well, OK, somebody dies in a Hallmark mystery.  But they have the good taste to do it offscreen, and before we get to know them.)

One or other of the romantic leads (generally not both) generally has a hugely insane schedule, has to work really hard, and doesn't have time for a relationship.  However, nobody ever actually has to do any actual work during the movie, or gets in trouble for taking time off to do (for example) an entire week of Christmas activities.

Hallmark movies frequently emphasize the "opposites attract" idea about romance.  The "button-down" businesswoman falls in love with the "free spirit" guy.  The grinch falls in love with the "Christmas-is-the-most-wonderful-time-of-year" girl.  Et cetera.  A major sub-variant of this theme is the small town/big city version.  Most of the time this is the big city guy/girl having to visit the small town and, while falling in love with the small town girl/guy also discovers the "true meaning" of life/Christmas/family/peace-of-mind and decides to stay in the small town.  (There is also the small town girl/guy striking out to make it in the big city and falling for the big city guy/girl, but this is less often.)

Hallmark movies frequently involve weddings.  Not necessarily between the romantic leads, but one or both (usually both) leads are involved in the wedding party and arranging the wedding.  (This is generally used to force the romantic leads to meet, interact over the wedding plans, and usually *fight* over the wedding plans.)  At some point the bride is going to have a full-on bridezilla meltdown, and sob that she just wants a perfect wedding--is that too much to ask?  (As anyone who knows the laws of thermodynamics, or security, knows, yes, it is too much to ask and you will never achieve perfection, and as anyone who knows weddings knows, if you *did* manage to pull off the perfect wedding, nobody would remember it, since what you remember about a wedding; the stories that are retold on every anniversary; are the disasters.)  Everyone involved in the Hallmark movie wedding assures the bride that, no, it is not too much to ask, and that they are all onside to arrange and hold the perfect wedding.  Immediately after they have promised to pursue the perfect wedding, the perfect wedding venue will have all the pipes in the building burst, simultaneously, ruining the perfect wedding dress, and the 700 perfect pew bows that have been made for the occasion.  Shortly after this the bride realizes that what she *really* wanted all along was a simple outdoor wedding, with her coming into it on a horsie.

The romantic leads in Hallmark movies may kiss, once.  *Only* once.  Other couples in the movie may kiss at need.  Hallmark movie aficionados know that extended make-out scenes are not allowed, and that if the central characters kiss more than once it is because the script writers have come up short, or that the actors have spoken their dialogue too fast, and the director needs another seven seconds for the mandated run-time of the movie.

If visiting a small town, it is mandatory to have an evening around a campfire or propane fire pit.  If Christmas, hot cocoa is served (but not consumed, see below), if not, marshmallows are toasted.  (The marshmallows may or may not be used to make s'mores.)  The "big city" equivalent is a walk along a waterway at night, which must involve a food truck (or trucks) at some point.

Then there is the $1.34 moment.  Hallmark movies are TV movies, and come with definite script moments to pause for blocks of commercials.  Hallmark movies are eighty-four minutes long, which, with added ads, works out to two hours of TV schedule time.  At one hour and thirty-four minutes (inclusive of ads), the romantic leads must discover the situation which, tragically, means that they can never be together.  (The situation is resolved approximately six minutes before the credits roll, although the resolution is often not a resolution at all.)

I don't know if they are the majority (apparently Hallmark has made something like forty or fifty this year), but Hallmark *Christmas* movies are a major sub-category, and have particular rules all their own.

There must be a snowball fight.  Usually in conjunction with snowperson construction.  (Although mandatory, occasionally these scenes are so short that if you sneeze at the wrong time, you'll miss them.)

At some point hot chocolate must be purchased.  (But not paid for: see above.)  Usually the hot chocolate is the "best in the world," and often because of some added component or flavour.  (Occasionally hot apple cider may be substituted, but this is frowned upon.)  The characters may take one, and only one, *very tiny* sip of the hot chocolate.

(This latter requirement is generalized to any food.  A character may take only one, very small, bite or sip of *any* coffee, other drink, burger, cookie, meal, or any other edible.)

A visit to a Christmas market is required.  It may not fit either the locale or the plot, but, somehow, a Christmas market, even if a very *strange* Christmas market (sometimes unrecognizable as such), must be implemented in the movie.

As the romantic leads realize that they are in love, and get their *one* kiss (see above), or as one or both central characters realize the true meaning of Christmas (and therefore realize that they are in love, and get their *one* kiss [see above]), it must start snowing.  As noted, Hallmark shoots a lot of Christmas movies, so most of them must be shot in the summer, when it doesn't snow.  This, and the fact that a lot of Hallmark movies are shot in Vancouver, where it often doesn't snow, is why it so seldom snows in Hallmark movies unless you are actually on a ski slope.  (It is expensive hauling all that gear up a ski slope, so you shoot the scene, whether it is snowing or not.)

A Christmas tree must be decorated, and usually must be bought at a Christmas tree lot or farm.  (But not paid for: see above.)  A recent additional requirement is that, at some point, a tangled ball of Christmas tree lights must be presented to someone to untangle.

The lead couple must go skating.

There must be gingerbread house making, Christmas cookie baking, a toy drive, or present wrapping, frequently as a contest.  Gingerbread house making is pretty much mandatory.